He seemed nice, well educated and polite. We had nice chat over the net. Then he told he had nothing in the home to eat and silly me joked about needing to order the pizza. He wanted to meet me over lunch or dinner next day. I am no follower of the rule book - yet the invitation surprised me.

I had a polish friend in India, who used to say, that I was a good judge of human nature. Yet I admired her openness towards new people. She was never worried of them nor about their true intentions. She had huge amount of friends and she was always smiling. I still wish I could be more like her.

I myself don’t trust strange people. Part of it is probably because I don’t trust my self to be a good judge of human nature. When I was younger I was in general sceptical on cross-cultural romantic relationships and especially on marriages. Is this truly a question of being afraid of the trouble or does this belief hide something more hideous behind it?

This man was from Iran. I have heard a lot of stories about Iran as well as maybe of Saudi Arabia. Both countries have similar flavour – really old fashioned and misogynist. There is not so long time I watched the movie called Persepolis about Iranian life. I did not recognise it during chatting him, but afterwards some prejudices crept up that I was not proud of.

Maybe it was because of those prejudices people generally have that I felt his reluctance to tell were he was from. It took him a while to answer. Although as usually across the net, it is really difficult to interpret peoples feelings. But I felt the conversation stop for a while after I asked. Yet during the discussion I did not let the fact affect me, but it was after it, while the consciousness of the fact came in to my mind.

Yet the prejudices affect me and I am not proud about this. I have seen enough people around the world to know that prejudices are not always true. Some people just don’t fit in them. I don’t fit in typical prejudice about Nordic women myself. Prejudices are not people, they are simplifications we make to be able to make the world easier for us to comprehend. Yet I seem to not be able to hinder the stories I’ve heard running around my head.

My problem with men has been a special kind of shyness or social fear. I am afraid of sexual chemistry and behind it are my bad experiences. I know it makes me difficult to interpret, because I am not otherwise excessively shy. It often happens that men I am not interested in find me easier to approach than those that I find fascinating. It usually take time to trust and feel comfortable around them, but most men are not that patient and I can understand them.

It is hard to interpret a person, who is hiding behind the mask. Freezing of fear maybe interpreted as a turn down. I can understand this and I may even try to control my behaviour and smile more, but in the situation that I feel afraid and unsure, I am not totally in control of my reactions. The situation is hard to explain especially, if one is not sure about other persons feelings. Smile is much easier approach than telling other person that you are afraid to show them your feelings.

 (Sorry If the next part is repetitive, but I am still going through this issue).

The insecurity and fear raises partly from low self-esteem. When I am unsure of my personal attractiveness, it is hard to interpret male attention. Partly there is history of under age sexual harassment or even abuse and also repeated harassment in the adult age. The first time I was under school age and it was mild form of physical and more serious verbal abuse performed by older boy that had probably been subjected to some abuse himself. The second time I was in teens and it was group of older boys harassing me in the form of sexual propositions and comments of me.

The third time was really a sexual bullying by men of a group I had trusted and other men in responsibility I had trust even more talked it down, when I tried to explain the situation.  One of them made silly excuses and other one tried to pressure me to forgive and forget without getting any apology. Later I got out of one of the bullies that he had believed he had right to “educate” me, because he felt I was too straight-laced. The only comfort is that I was partly able to show him his error of judgement, although I did not trust him enough to open up totally.  Yet the situation made me feel like no man could be trusted and that put me totally off the men for a while.

I am not looking for a light-hearted relationship. Some times I hope that I would be, because it might be easier. I would not need to afraid that I am giving some sign of being easy woman and not to be taken seriously. I am also afraid that men could make fun of my feelings. It maybe due the fact that people (not only men) have made fun of my feelings before. It does not make the situation any easier. I am also afraid that if the man gets to know me better, he might get disappointed and abandon me. I am afraid of not being worthy of love, which can be probably trased back to my parents behaviour. Yet I am as much afraid of my own feelings as of the man I am interested in. I am afraid to become heart broken, while I know it is normal part of human life. Very few of us are lucky enough to be always happy.

I may sound pretty analytic right now, but right in the situation I am not able to tract the roots of my feelings. I am just feeling strange panic. I feel my learning curve of handling the situations, where I am strangely afraid, isn’t fast enough. The older I get, more difficult it seems to meet men I would really be interested in and less practice I will get. I feel stuck.

It has been ages I’ve written. “Nothing has really happen”, I think in my low moments and yet, when I talked to a friend she commented that I am having more bustle than years before. Maybe I have, but I still consider it nothing. I feel like being properly on the self, if you could call it like that. I’ve been feeling hopeless for while …

I am wondering, if I got an attitude problem. This particular friend of mine told me that I’ve been telling for years that now I feel finally spinster. Maybe by considering myself as a spinster, I am creating a self prophecy. I cannot come out of the self, because my expectations have glued me there. I am stuck.

If everything is just depending on my attitude, how do I disconnect from those unwanted attitudes? I don’t know. I wonder if it is so difficult to let go, because I feel safe hiding behind them. They guard me from disappointment, because no failure cannot be bigger than impossibility.

Kids can be gruel. I think I carry with me my childhood fear of been made fun of behind my back. Sometimes when men approach me, they make me feel that they are not serious. They make me feel that I am some short of cruel experiment or that they are like cats toying with mouse. On my conscious level I know this is not true, but on my deeper level, I feel lost. How could I change my emotions?

I am sorry, if I’ve told this story before, but I remember of being in the high school level and we had this emotionally sadistic history teacher. Usually I was safe, from his teasing, because of my fondness of history, but this time he made me one of his marks. He but me and a very beautiful girl in my class in short of “pageant”, Where three boys sitting beside us were judges. Two of them voted me and I felt so humiliated. At that time I felt even not being voted at all would have been less mortifying than them giggling when they voted me. Of course I knew I was not as pretty as she was. I was the brainy girl.

It's Summer

The other occasion was when I was about 13 and one pretty boy in my class told me I was ugly. I wanted to ask him, what business it was of his, but I was not brave enough. At that time I was generally well liked among my class mates, if not the most popular girl. Most of my classmates still thought about me in friendly way. At the age 13 being told you are ugly hurts really badly.

It is funny how little insignificant moments can create big scars. Probably neither my former history teacher (with his bear blurred brains) nor my former classmate remember these occasions. They lasted less than ten minutes at the time and yet they are bothering me some ten-fifteen years later. I loved to be able to dig up this dirt and burn it. Yet I don’t know how. Even digging this dirt hurts, but how could I would love to get rid of it finally.

Today is too beautiful summer day to stay in these thoughts for long. It is time to enjoy the season, while it is here.

I filled in a questionnaire on partnership issues. There were some questions that made me think. Both me and my sister have emotional relationship issues – although we have reacted in different ways towards our childhood. 

I wonder what impact does parents union have on our view of relationship. It is in the end what we’ve experienced when we were growing up. We might have seen something of the unions of our uncles and aunts, maybe also of our grandparents and cousins, or we might not, depending how open our family is. Yet there are usually few other role models as people don’t show their true self towards outsiders.

The marriage one has spent longest part is usually the parents union, until your own continues longer. It is the one you have closest look in. It is something one considers the norm. Even if as children we propably don’t understand the deep waters of the union. Yet every other model, however more common in society, is merely something else. We might like to go along with the norm or rebell against it.

It has been studied that people, who’s parents have divorced are more likely to divorce than those who’s parent havent. Daughters of the alcoholic often find themselves married with a bottle. Also violence exposes to further violence as one has not been ablet to build proper guard against it. Yet also good things of the parents marriage might materialise, like the experience of getting over the hard times and respect towards your partner. People are looking for the model of their parents in good and bad.

The other significant role model is the media. Yet it is hardly the best possible model. Just look at the day time soap, where the story is kept up by continuously changing couples and partners - cheating and seduction. It might make us unconciously feel that the life around us is similar. 

Yet people are usually more loyal and their life more boring and ordinary than we expect. The problem is we are not often able to honestly dig in the other peoples unions. Due this we only have vague and often false idea of what is happening inside of them. The sorrows as well as joys of them are usually mystery for us.

So the only model we saw almost honestly and often painfully clearly is our parents union. We know what happened, how it happened and how both parties reacted. Yet even there our view is not impartial : we learned to take sides, whether we wanted or not. Our view of it is not as unemotional and clear as many of us would want to think.

It seems to me that true Gentlemen are not in fashion. There are some guys, who act gentlemanly in front of women they are after, but behind their backs are buggers. The true gentleman first of all must truly respect and cherish women (in general), a trait that was banned by a gang of ultra-feminist in the name of absolute equality.

Due to this true gentlemen are rare and far between. Few men dare to stop opening doors to women that don’t seem thankful. Few men bother guarding their tongue in the presence of women. The positive discrimination of good manners of gentlemen is gone. You can find Neanderthals as well from the top as from the bottom of the society, as well from the millioinaires (e. g. Donald Trump) as from the plumbers.

Some men have decided to imitate gentlemen to woo women. They pretend to treat the women they are interested in gentlemanly. If you want to test if these guys are true gentlemen and not just pretenders, watch how they treat women of less importance like ugly ducklings, little girls and old grannies. That shows you how they will treat you in long term relationship. True gentlemen don’t discriminate women on the bases of desirability.

Some men it seems consider dirty talking as an average and neutral everyday language. They throw sexist comments and juvenile jokes around as if they would be appropriate in every occasions. If some one does not laugh and, especially if that person is female, they act offended and call them, if they happen to be women, humorless bitches. It seems to me that these guys have not yet dried the water behind their ears.

There are also gentlemen in disguise. They don’t howl about their gentleman traits and they might not even know all the curls of the etiquette, but if you follow their behaviour faithfully you slowly learn to understand that they are gentlemen in their hearts. I have to admit that I respect these artless closet gentlemen much more than those, whose nobility is just for the outer shine.

I think it is time we admit that women and men are at least slightly different and that there is place and time for positive discrimination even in the most modern society. There is no need to return to the middle ages in the name of equality. The good manners have developed because everyone wants to be treated nicely. So gentlemen: be my quest and open the doors for ladies.

All spisnters ready? You’ve looked your selves nice guy to propose? It is once in the four years opportunity to propose a guy – and win (depending of tradition) skirt cloth or nice pair of gloves (If he doesn’t say yes that is).  

I have to admit that I am dodger here. I could propose, but I don’t know any one at the moment, I’d wish to say yes. Pathetic, Isin’t it? Put all you other: go for it at February 29th.

Marriage Proposals by Women: Tips and Is Trend Really for Leap Year Only?

“Destined to die alone
in a room heavy whit
the tang of cat wee.”

This e-card brings to my mind a scene from the first Bridget Jones film, where she is afraid to end up old maid and being eaten by her dogs. 

Happy Valentine for all “Spinsters” and all other single Ladies! Lets give up all stupid fears, laugh cordially for them  all and for ourselves and live happily ever after enjoying our freedom as long as it lasts.

If you want to send this or some other kind of “cute” anti-valentines card, check meish.org.

Ps. My friend shend me a e-card cat for valentines and other one send me a postcard picturing two swinging nuns.  Did they maybe try to tell me something?

In the past most women stayed home and just took care of the house-keeping and babies, right? It would be most natural to mommies to stay home and take care kids now too? It depends how long past do you want to go and what kind of society do you want to dig in to. And especially it depends on the class.

(Please note:this is not blogging against homemakers or their choice of the lifestyle!)

Historical Notes

Now being a homemaker is only possible in the society whit large income differences. It is common among the middle class that makes just enough to mom to stay at home, but not enough to hire a nanny. That is surely the historical fact. In most of the societies in the past the working potential of parents were needed whether mother worked at the home farm milking cows or took part of the activities in their husbands shop.

Of course the home was not far from the work. In fact most farmers wives worked at their home and most shop-keepers and craftsmen lived above their shops. And it is well known fact that the children were usually babysat by their older sisters that usually did not go to school or if they did just for few hours. That way the mothers working from home are in fact filling the most traditional roles of women, and not the house-wives.

The social historians are well aware that the ideal homemaker or house-wife was born in the early 19th century post-industrial revolution Britain among the middle class and especially white collar labor. In the longer span of history one would consider it rather modern phenomenon. Especially as it was only in the mid 20th century, when it came available to larger masses. After the Second World War there were large campaigns to make women go home to make place for home returning soldier and that was when the myth of traditional homemaker was actually created.

About the Idea and My Experiences

It is strange that it would be considered somehow natural for women as a gender to be somehow adapt to just to live whit children whit-out the normal adult connections during the day time. This idealised mother does not necessary even make her children happy. It also stresses the marriage, because the wife is grieving for company, when husband returns tired after long day at work. The marriage might last, because she is financially too scared to break it up and after staying at home it might be difficult to return to the working world, but it might not make the marriage happy nor a good place to kids to grow up. This might not be true of all women staying at home, but it is still common enough story.

My granny used to work, when my mother was little. My mother used to stay home, because my father had good income and that was possible. She is intelligent woman and was never truly happy at home just whit us kids. She loves children and has been great mother at best taking care of home and doing inventive stuff. Yet she has always been at her best, while she worked or studied.

Now the decision to stay home maybe better for kids than working long hours to further career and not having enough time to be whit them. Yet staying at home should not be portrayed as ideal and traditional solution, while it seldom is and at least does not fit for everybody. Nobody should feel bad mother, if they wanted to have something else in their lives than just kids. No father does either. I don’t think highly career driven father is ideal either. And nobody should stay home as a martyr, if they clearly are not happy and just make their kids miserable.

Now if I ever get a family, I’d loved to be able to work from home, at least some part of the week, but I am not ideal homemaker nor shall I ever be. I don’t see why I should feel I am not enough woman like this.

For celebrating Friday something silly: I used to write about, how the Capricorn description does not fit me in Horoscope According to an Abnormal Capricorn - so now I found a funny test to confirm this:

How Capricorn Are You?

And what sign should I be then:

What Sign Should You Be?

As an answer, how cancer I am then is:

How Cancer Are You?

Strange isin’t it? And a reason not to believe in horoscopes!

I will now share whit you this old posting by Avanoo that pops up in my-comments once in a while. Since 9 months it was originally posted it has (slightly irritatingly) collected comments infrequently up-to now. So I am now sharing this thought provoking posting whit you too: The Science Is Clear: Marriage Should Be Eradicated

I said 9 months ago: Science is never clear…especially social science. I say this as some one, who once studied this field. You may always pick up the studies that please you.

Marriage is a lot about expectations. In my own country the divorce rates differ greatly from one part of the country to other, and this in a country, where divorce has been made really easy.

I think people now-a-days don’t expect the marriage to last and the power of expectations is great. It is also shown by social science that when we read and watch (even fictional) affairs to happen, we start to expect them in our own life too. Also it has been studied, that the [exposal to high amount of] beautiful people over the medias makes us less satisfied with what [(partners)] we have.

As others have said: the problem of marriage is in people mind, expectations and in modern culture, not marriage it self.