Most of the second half of 2008 my life evolve around work (a lot of new and stressful things), my mother (who I’ve been worried about) and my god daughter, who will soon be half year old. I have to admit I am besotted. She is a little darling.

On top of all that the apartment building my friend is living in had a quite serious fire and she was evaquated and stayed away some days. I help her to drag back her mattress (in a tram) and that was quite funny. Some good moments after a moment of terror. The fire made me think also, how fragile the life really is and how we cannot know, when it is going to end.

There has not been much time to think about men or about being single. In fact I am a bit tired of this topic right now. My head is empty, which you may have noticed in this blog. I am sorry, but I really did not have much to say about anything related to men or relationships. I hope I would have, but I really did not.

Well there was an office christmas party and I was told I was dressed prettiy – by some of my female colleques. And I met an old (male) friend of mine, who I like a lot, and who is married and has a baby. Long time not seen and such. So no romance in the air, at all.

Somebody asked me this question in this blog for a while ago.

I don’t think it is a question of need. I can do without a mate. I might feel more satisfied with a family, but I am rather happy with my life as it is. In fact relationships (with men) usually make me feel frustrated and uncomfortable.

 It is more like I want one. I want a man to share my life with and I preferably also family. I’d love to have some one waiting me to come home after work and share my lonely nights with. I’ve always been a bit maternal type and I’ve wanted kids the last 15 years.

Yes, I feel like time is running out, but it is more because of my ability to count, than because my friends are already married. Most of them are not. In fact only one of my good friends is and another one is going to go next summer. My sister is not and propably will never be, because she does not want same things from her life. My mother has never been hinting on this.

I am unofficially a God mother (- it will be official only after the babtism of course). The baby girl was born couple of weeks ago and after it we had a slight worry with her blood sugar levels, but now everything is fine. I am happy for them and part of me wants to throw a party and another part of me wants to pamper her to rots.

I was almost sure it was a boy, before it was born. Earlier during the pregnancy I was thinking it was a girl – I just had a feeling, but later I had almost convinced myself it would be a boy as its daddy thought it would be. I had almost bought a skull & bones pacifier (for a joke) cause I knew its daddy had asked for skull cloth nappies. But it was born to be a most beautiful little girl possible.

One of my collegues commented on me that somehting happens on the brains of women, when they see babies. I don’t know if that is true for them all, but for me it is I suppose. I am over the moon – and it is not even my niece nor my own daughter. The whole summer I we been feeling like there is some kind of population rush as it seems that every third woman you see (of fertile age) are pregnant. I was thinking I was little nutty, before I red an article that the maternity wards are in trouble as there are so many babies expected in the best holiday season. Everybody is working overtime.

And no wonder – just couple of years ago my cousine gave birth to her second about this time and now my friend too. Yet both of them was not so much planned as my cousine and her hubbie had given up the hope for another. And my friend and her hubbie had decided that one could come when it would come. They had counted that as neither of them is very young anymore, the baby might take some time. I just red about this few weeks ago as the researchers have found out that also male fertility slumps after they turn to 40s. So its not only women, who should get the babies early enough but also men should not leave it too late.

I’d love to get a baby of my own, but I just don’t think I am ready yet – and I don’t have that much time anymore.

He is legally man, he has beard. His wife had hysterectomy (removing uterus) due to endrometriosis and cannot get pregnant. According to his own story, he just stopped taking testosterone to be able to get pregnant, without needing no help of artificial hormones nor fertility drugs to aid her (his) pregnancy. Got lost? I almost did.

It took them one year to get access to sperm bank, because so many doctors / medical stuff felt uneasy to treat them. He told to the Advocate they needed to resort to home insemination, where the wife was aiding him. Most of the wives family don’t even know him being transgender. And here I thought that you need to be sterile to be able to legally change gender – but apparently you don’t. So now this guy is first “man” to pregnant. He sees himself as his own surrogate.

So knowing all this, would you date a transgender?

Read more: Labour of Love by Advocate.com or She is pregnant, but she is a man by stuff.co.nz or Is the story of a pregnant man legit? By Katu

I find that unlike many single women claim to do, I enjoy talking about pregnancy, baby slings, different kind of diapers, prams and how and where baby should sleep. As I told before I feel even closer connection to my friend now that she is pregnant.

My friend is bigger now, although her weight is more evenly distributed than in most pregnant women and one might not be so sure, if one would not have seen her before. She says she does not need to use maternity pants and clothes yet, although she has been using tunics for while already.

Touch the tummy? No I have not felt the baby kicking and would not try to touch her stomach, if she will not offer (probably wont). It would be interesting, but not something I think I want to push. I wonder will people really try to touch pregnant women’s stomachs – probably not in our culture. She has told me that she has already felt for a while some movements.

This has also made me think about children myself – you also might have noticed it, when I freaked about the menopause thing. Men are so lucky as they don’t have to worry of the things like that.

Just an year ago I wrote about not being in a hurry to become mother. Last weekend I found myself panicking about potential menopause. I know it was silly and it probably has not started yet, but my curses were light and I was quite warm (although I wore plenty of clothing) and some how it came to my mind that it might have begun.

It made me check my priorities. It is totally different not to want become mother now – than not to want to become mother ever. Yes I do want to become mother and after last weekends shock: rather sooner than later if possible. I also don’t believe in becoming mother by myself. There are several reasons most important being that I unfashionably believe that children need their father as well their mother and also I don’t somehow believe I could manage it just by myself. I think I need the support of the partner -  the father.

I’ve always consider the adoption and fostering as an option. Suddenly I do want to have at least one of my own. I want to be pregnant and carry my child. I am more and more aware of the fact that there is not that much time, even if my mom got last of us about five years older than I’m now.

Yet I am truly scared of running in trouble by picking a man too fast, as I am afraid my mom did. I know that in the end he loved my dad, but they had serious problems due his lack of consideration. I don’t want to get married with an irresponsible man. I also don’t want just to pick a good man – I want to fall in love with him. I don’t want to do any cold blooded decision. I don’t want to choose a man just as an instrument of getting child.

He is a charmer and she is a clinging shadow. You wonder why they are together, especially when you occasional hear her whining for him. He is charming sunny character, always in the center of the scene and for her nothing is ever right. You wonder why does he stand for her. He is fun to be around, always full of pranck and she is powerless little grey mouse in the corner of the room or preferably in the kitchen.

Behind the scene there is another story: he is reckless and leaves her to take care of all practical issues. He seems as dependent on her as she is on him socially. He might cheat her or use excessive amounts of alcohol, and she forgives. She might complain for his carelessness and thoughtlessness and might threaten to leave him and the kids, yet she is never able to.

In the shadows of the secrecy she pegs his attention with manipulative means, because nothing else can get his attention, as he is mostly just interested on him self. She invents symptoms of malady, she makes her self believe or maybe threatens to take her own life or walk out of marriage. And the children, if they have them, are just pawns in their manipulative games.

The Loyal Supporter

It is surprising how this sunny guy is able to get himself in feuds and disputes with others. As long as everything goes as he likes, its fine and his charm is shining, but if anything changes, he starts to get angry and launches his battle. She stands beside him, like virgin of justice seeing no fault in his side. In her yes (as well as in his own) he could do nothing bad. That’s why he stays with her, because she is his only loyal supporter.

He might even abuse the kids either physically, emotionally or even sexually and she just looks on the other direction, because she want to keep up the prince charming image her immature imagination has created of him and that fits him just right. It also fits her, because when he leans on her support, he gives her attention she has yearned and for once she is happy.

This is an union between narcissistic (he) and emotionally unstable (she) personalities, both deeply dependent and manipulative, the union of borderless. Both of them are stuck in the past: She in the period, when child starts to explore the world, but still needs the mothers arms around her; He in the early childhood stage, where the ego is still very fragile. Neither has reached any maturity nor emotional independence. They are deeply dependent. Occasional the pop-psychology has used the term of co-dependence (of usually female side)  of this kind of phenomena.

The word “No” is taboo in their union – he doesn’t want to hear it and she doesn’t want to say it.

My best friend is pregnant for the first time and I’ve been about to write about it for a month already. It is surprising that I don’t feel a dot envious although I’ve been wanting a baby on and off since I was 17 (a bit sheepish, I know!). Instead I am genuinely happy for her and listening all her news cordially.

She calls the baby “the bundle”. I’ve just heard that the Bundle is now 20 cm of height and growing happily. She had her second scan just a couple of days ago. The sunday before she was already showing off some extra weight. One might not have noticed if one would have been used to see her thinner.

It seems to me that the babe is bringing us even closer than we used to be before. It is funny as I truly would except myself to be envious, but I am not. I don’t even feel strange or funny as she suddenly is becoming mum. Somehow it feels so natural to me. At the same time I feel so outsider – she already knows about pregnancy and fetus so much more than I do. Occasionally I’ve even felt a bit stupid, because I don’t know things she seems to take for granted.

I don’t even dare to expect her to make me godmother as she has so many friend and the daddy has plenty of them too.

When digging through the digital world about the misandry I found about a T-shirt that said “Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them!” that had raised huge controversy somewhere in America. First it seemed rather insignificant, because I remember my self telling people that boys are stupid in certain age very young age. Yet throwing stones at them would never even occurred to me. 

The boys are stupid maybe innocent, but adding the ending somehow makes the t-shirt a hate-shirt. Yet it is true that t’s that have similar messages about women and girls are probably more widespread and probably only slightly less controversial. And does anybody pay any attention on them? Not at least in this scale.

I don’t support those t-shirts and I think it was unfeeling to make them, but why are people making so much noise, because it is nothing that is not happening in much larger scale for women and girls every where. The misogyny is so much more widespread that for example the spellchecker does not even know the word misandry or misandrist. (And I am happy that is not more common than it is, but so should also misogyny be.)

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It did not also take much work to find t-shirt like this – just had to add “sexist t-shirt” in Google.

“I thought that shirt was very offensive, and I’m sure people who made that shirt thought it was cute,” District Attorney Evert Fowle said: “But when you prosecute 728 domestic violence cases a year, it’s not cute.”

There was discussion about this t-shirt and it’s message was considered insignificant.  The reason given was that it was cartoon kind of violence, while the other was not? And the world is fully of similar and worst sexist t’s.

So why make a fuss only about the single one that reverses the roles?

We went to see the movie (My Blueberry Nights) whit my friend, who did not like it that much, because she said it is not likely to get such a handsome guy anymore (Jude Law) and thought it cheesy. I had seen it more like a story of love and lost – and journey of getting over. (Of course the Hollywood stars are pretty - they are not real life).

I’ve been thinking about that moment and that comment and wondering does it show our different inclinations towards the relationships.

I am a romantic – have been so long I can remember and have not yet stopped being. I am a dreamer. Maybe my hopes and dreamers are unrealistic and maybe my friend is more realistic, but I wonder if she has became a bit bitter and cynical. But is it better to be realistic or hopeful?

The last year (2007) was intended to be a year of relationship processing. I wanted to use this blog as my method of personal therapeutic writing. I partly forgot it and wrote anyway. Maybe it is time to return to the key issue here. Is there something wrong in me, because I’ve not yet mated? Should I just be content of staying single?

The Male sweat is supposed to make women more relaxed and less anxious. The fact is male smell tames us. It makes women more relaxed. I’ve been wondering if these is the reason spinsters get little tense towards older age. I don’t think it is so much about sexual activity, because female sexual drive is not so high. Of course there are exceptions of this rule, but they’re just that exceptions.  It is more about other things we are missing.

My feelings toward my own spinsterhood are fluctuating along the time. Occasionally I am anxious, other times content and some occasions even hopeful. As all women I feel fat and ugly, especially around the certain time of the month. It makes me slightly blue.

There are also maternal instincts hitting over. Another friend of mine is expecting a baby. She is close friend of mine and find my self in waiting. I have noticed that I look knitting models in the magazines and think about knitting something to him or her. I find myself looking for the baby books and thinking about educating this one. I would love to become a godmother, but I believe that there are many other great candidates for godparents, so nothing is sure. But it doesn’t matter as the baby’s mother is like a sister to me.

The truth still is that while I am more and more settled in my role as a spinster that even my mother has now acknowledged and as I am wondering if I ever would be a good mother to children, my maternal instincts are still alive. I’d love to be baking a blueberry pie (or in here bilberry pie) for kids, whether my own or ‘borrowed’.