I always blamed myself for killing the blooming romance. There have always been easier women around and usually the men around me have not been up to challange I present. I wonder if it has been partly due their own immaturity as well as mine. When they’ve started to date someone else and I’ve relaxed around them, they’ve suddenly became interested again. For me that is no-no situation.

When it happened again already years ago, I was immature and did not know how to act. I’ve always believed that women should support each other and not to steal each others boyfriends. So I did not encourage him, but I considered him as my soul mate, so I could not bring myself to really discourage him either, which I now know I should have done. He truly seemed like perfect for me as we had identical interests much unlike his girlfriend. I also knew he had been smitten with me just half a year earlier before they started to date. Yet it was impossible to me to brake their relationship.

If I had known, what I know now, I would have turned him down immediately. There is no point of waiting some one to leave their girl friend first, at least not if they are so insecure as he was. I let myself to be treated badly and it was not wonderful situation for his girlfriend either.

The next time I shyed from a guy there was frankly not enough time to process the situation, before I left for Italy. We saw again in the summer, but I left again and when I came back he was dating.  This time I had already learned my lesson.  When he got smitten again and I clearly turned him down, he became angry. He had more intense charachter than the first one had had. He might have even left his girlfriend, if I’d given clearer sign for him.

At that time my moral collar was up and I did not want to give him any engouragement what so ever. I don’t know what I’d do now. Would I be wiser? Fortunately I’ve not really been in the similar situation after that. I’ve learned that men in relationships are no-no even if the situation is about warming up the old romance. One should not dream of them leaving their girl friends for you.  Even if I’ve newer been partner in crime in physical cheating, I’ve still felt myself somewhat dirty, because these guys have lusted after me.

It may sound funny, but I truly think that I should dream less and live in reality little more. The idea came to me, when I was thinking of a man I know and like. Always before I’ve let my dreams run wild: designing the family and kids, thinking up the weddings. And sometimes I have had difficulty to separate my dreams from reality.

I have well developed imagination. In my head I write stories to please myself. They rarely come out in the reality. Sometimes they can be productive, while they make me want to know about issues and understand things. Often they are counter productive, because I spend my time in thinking and not putting things in action. The funny thing is that I often act before I think and things I think I rarely put on action. Maybe I am afraid that reality would not be as perfect as the dreams can be.

In case of relationship this usually means loosing the touch.  I wonder if the daydreams are really my escapade from my fears relating relationships and I have plenty of those. Daydreams are safe, while the reality can broke your heart.  Yet they make me passive. That I’ve never been good in feminine wiles, makes situation worst. I’ve never needed those wiles to get attention and I’ve always felt them to be somewhat dishonest, but maybe that is part of the problem: I don’t know how to connect.

So while I daydream, the relationship that was in the bud starts to dry up. I end up noticing that only thing I have left are my dreams. I’ve jumped ahead before anything really happens and I stand there with only empty dreams. Instead of being more cautious in my head and seeing were it might be leading. I feel heartbroken  whit out a reason. My problems raise partly from the fear of passionate relationship and that fear is I think the root of my dreaming, because the dreams are safe. 

Yet the older I got more I’ve realised that however safe the daydreams are, in the end they are just that – only dreams. The man of the dreams is never a real person. He is just mirrow of my own hopes and dreams. He lacks his own personality and his own will. He acts as I’d hope him to act. In other words he is just puppet of my imagination, who looks like the person I am interested in. He is boneless, fleshless and cold.

Dream man is easier to get along than a real person only because you don’t really need to get on with him. What makes him safe is that he cannot make real decission about me nor turn me down. But because he has not chosen me, he cannot really love me either. Little by little the excitement starts to dry up.

Dreams don’t stand by you, when you’re hit by reality. They don’t give you support nor real affection. While they may give you pleasure, they don’t really give you passion. Especially they are empty in the form of respond, because they are just my imagination. They are not responsive and the interaction with another person is in my eyes one of the treasures of human relationship and the root of true passion.

It does not need to be fireworks nor has it have to be any crazy thing either, but I’d still love to have some electricity in the air – at least a little. I we grown wise enough to understand that fireworks don’t guarantee happiness, but I don’t want it clinical either as it felt like, when I was for short while active in the Internet dating world.

When I was 16 I was already labeled as romantic and I suppose I am, although one that has two feet on the ground. Does it matter then if ones head is occasionally in the clouds? Maybe that is my problem: I want both – feeling comfy and giddy with a guy and it does not happen often. In fact I think I can count only couple of times it has actually worked that way. Other times either quality has been lacking.

Oh, I’ve been in love (and not just once), but it is some years ago now. My biggest romance was hurtful and humiliating and I spent long time licking my wounds. I don’t just blame him, although there was fault in him too, but I mostly blame my self. I was silly and did not know how to put end on it, even when I knew I should have. And after few more or less unfortunate events I really wanted to be on the self for a while. It just felt too frustrating. (This was long story made far too simple, but it is more or less how it felt). Yet I was not totally able to do it.

But for some years now I’ve truly been on the self. I would love to step down from it, but suddenly it is not that easy. The older you get the more difficult it gets. I don’t even know where to start. And in the mean while my friends have found men and some of them have even got married. And even those, who have not are in the stable relationship. There are some singles left, but those who I’ve walked most of the road with me are now taken.

I know I could go to the Internet and make my pick of the bunch of guys (I tried this in the spring), but it just does not work for me. The pictures don’t tell the personality and yet I don’t want to raise expectations by meeting men, I might not like. One of my pen pals had experienced this in first hand and told me that we should meet asap to see if we could click and not to waste time in the potentially meaningless writing. I did not believe it right away, but now I think he was correct (although he lived home, “creeps”).

So I came to conclusion that how romantic it sounds to meet man through pen pals (as one of my colleagues has), it is still not thing for me. I believe in first impressions and reading people and through static photo you don’t get any feeling of them. Even a film would probably not tell much. You just have to be present and view their reflection of you. By just looking photos I’d propably pick all the wrong guys (the good looking,  but not animating). Usually folks are just not that photogenic and in real life they are something more.

There is just this one wish I have for man who ever is going to propose me. I don’t mind how he does it (but might have notice that my taste is not for romantic cliches…) but please would you not propose me at Valentines. It is so old and corny.

My parents got engages at Valentines day in fact. The Valentines day at that time was not really known in my country and my father must have picked up the idea in Germany, where he had lived and worked as an engineer for couple of years (yes my family is kind of a travelling one).

One can see there was a novelty factor there, because as I said the day and its celebration was not well known yet and it was something fresh still. Today it is different even here. I would much prefer 2.2 (February second) for example or new years eve or midsummer or preferably any other day in calender – even if it would not have any great meaning, but I wish he would skip the Valentines.

Yet this might not be very important posting as I am likely never to be proposed. It just came to my mind in the after Valentine feeling.  Maybe I need to try my luck at some leap day some year (not this year tough because I would not know who to propose). At least I can get new gloves or dress cloth (depends on tradition which one).

I see a lot of dreams and I often remember them for a while and sometimes even longer. It depends on their meaning. Few nights ago I saw a dream of a guy I used to know couple of years back. He was some kind of a colleague and I did not know him that well then, but after my dream I have not been able to stop thinking him.

This dream was so lively I would not wanted to wake up from it. In it we were in love (but in reality) and I felt so warm and comfortable and close to him. It was like he would have really been there. Is it possibly to fall in love whit a dream? Because it sure feels like that – so strange!

He was a nice guy, but never exactly my type. He was at the same time a social worker and computer geek of the sort. He was not your usual type of geek as he was super social and smiled all the time. No wonder everybody liked him and so did I, but I was not in love. He was a bit of hippy using a lot of colour and having long rastas. I’ve always been more of a classical kind of girl.

Suddenly I found my self daydreaming of a guy I’ve not even remembered existed for a long time. He just jumped out of my dream and I’ve not been able to stop thinking him since.

It is again time to make resolutions. How did my last years resolutions (2007) came through? And what have I decided for year coming (2008)?

Follow up of 2007 

Last year I made 6 resolutions for new year (2007 Resolutions, little late) they came through little differently. I did not try to change me much, I did find ways to handle my feelings and I blogged about the issues touching me, but about clean surroundings I failed badly especially in autumn, I did not go out to meet new people that much more and taking responsibility of my work did not quite come through. Yet I tried and that is the most important thing, I think.

My New Year 2008 Resolutions

This years resolutions are:

1) Try not to chose the easiest route. This does not mean that one should do things the hardest way, but that one should think about adding little challenge most of the times. (The most important).

2) Eat breakfast.

3) Give worrying and anger their time. Notice the feelings, but don’t let them rule.

4) Continue not changing me. Hang less on the self image and let it break down if necessary.

5) Try to meet new people and try to keep connection to people important to me.

6) Learn to ways to keep it clean. Don’t try to eat an elephant, when cleaning.

7) Pray for “enemies”.

Other Plans

You may have noticed that I did not make resolutions like loosing weight. I try to get fitter and better shaped, but that is constant battle not resolution.

Changing job (look comments on: Surfing in the Office Time) was in my resolutions list and I removed it for that reason. It is not resolution – attitude change, but plan. It is not easy to leave secure job whit nice go-workers, even if you don’t like what you do, but I plan to do something. I also plan to travel somewhat.

Does it Work?

I think making resolutions is nice, but writing them down is more effective, making them public even more. Even if one is not always able to come throug – or like me forgets the resolutions she made. Maybe I should check my progress more often and not just yearly?!

 Ps. If you need help making your resolutions, you might check this: 101 must take new year resolutions for you. And the psychology tips how to make them last: How to make resolutions that will last: Don’t wait until New Year’s Eve.

Well I am not sure if he is a role model excatly. It is just that he reminds me so much of me at his age and little younger. I wonder if my boys would be just like him. It is hard to say just one particular thing were he is like me.

He is imaginative, flying in his own worlds, while others are trying to get his attention. He hates eating stuff they put on his plate. His father is the most annoying person he knows. He likes to stay up late and watch tv. And he is afraid of the monsters in the shadows. And his relationship whit his pals is not very easy.

I pet he also looses his stuff, get’s bumps and bruices easily and is always late, at least when no one is watching him to be on time.

A while ago I did a right brain – left brain test. People are telling in the page that they can switch the direction, but it is so totally impossible for me: my dancer turns clockwise and that its. Usually I am good at the illusions, but here I am so right brained. And I think Calvin would be too:

uses feeling, “big picture” oriented, imagination rules, symbols and images, present and future, philosophy & religion, can “get it” (i.e. meaning), believes, appreciates, spatial perception, knows object function, fantasy based, presents possibilities, impetuous, risk taking

Lately I’ve been considering career change: maybe I’d be good story teller among small children, what do you think?

Guy saw a girl in a train and draw a picture describing her, and ended up finding her. Visit the site: http://www.nygirlofmydreams.com/

And men are not romantic?

I wonder if I am going through some short of mental change. Dreams are supposed to reflect the movements of the subconscious and in my dreams I am having relationship (serious dating or marriage). Nothing particular in those dreams. In them it seem so natural to have relationship. Its like I’ve always been in one.

At her hen night last spring my friend told us that she went through a process during the last few years that made her ready for relationship. I wonder if I am going through something like that.

I’ve been unobservedly thinking about how I’d like to bring up children, how one should treat ones husband and planning my “future” family life like I would not be a spinster. And it feels quite natural. Occasionally have woken up and tough it strange. I don’t know what is happening to me. And now I am seeing those dreams…

It is like preparing for something, but I don’t know what. Yet part of me is steadily on the ground: nothing will happen. Nothing at all. My dreams have never been any signs of future. Maybe this is just part of the never ending growing up process and the feeling of expectation just restlessness over my currently stagnant life.

And maybe I am just reacting to my friends getting hitched and my mother noting that is now or never. Yet the feeling is one of hope, not depression, as would be more natural for me.

I was sick and watched old movies – at least the movies that were old in my catecory, including High Fidelity (2000?). I went throught the extras and in them John Cusack (one of the co-writers and producers of the movie as well as the key actor) commented on imperfect hero. He said that women had loved the guy, because he was honest: “Now they admit it…”

Cusac also noted that it is imperfection that makes people interesting – and complicated. Idea of the movie is that guy wonders what is wrong with him, because women always leave him. (Sorry some plot follows). He goes looking in the past, finds out that he has been hunting a dream (woman), gets tired on never ending dreamhunt and understands the only thing he never got bored was his old girlfriend.

One of the keye moments is when he propose by explaining all this -and she thanks him and asks if he really tought she would say yes. He answers that he tought the important thing was asking. But it is his honesty that makes impression – not the clumsyness of proposal. You can see that his mind has taken an important turn.

I’ve seen this film dozens of times and I do watch it regularly. It is because the guy opens his eyes and sees what is truly important in his life. And he is honest enought to admit where he has gone wrong. He is ready to admit that he is tired of dreaming and wants what is best in reality. Maybe that is being adult…