We went to see the movie (My Blueberry Nights) whit my friend, who did not like it that much, because she said it is not likely to get such a handsome guy anymore (Jude Law) and thought it cheesy. I had seen it more like a story of love and lost – and journey of getting over. (Of course the Hollywood stars are pretty - they are not real life).

I’ve been thinking about that moment and that comment and wondering does it show our different inclinations towards the relationships.

I am a romantic – have been so long I can remember and have not yet stopped being. I am a dreamer. Maybe my hopes and dreamers are unrealistic and maybe my friend is more realistic, but I wonder if she has became a bit bitter and cynical. But is it better to be realistic or hopeful?

The last year (2007) was intended to be a year of relationship processing. I wanted to use this blog as my method of personal therapeutic writing. I partly forgot it and wrote anyway. Maybe it is time to return to the key issue here. Is there something wrong in me, because I’ve not yet mated? Should I just be content of staying single?

The Male sweat is supposed to make women more relaxed and less anxious. The fact is male smell tames us. It makes women more relaxed. I’ve been wondering if these is the reason spinsters get little tense towards older age. I don’t think it is so much about sexual activity, because female sexual drive is not so high. Of course there are exceptions of this rule, but they’re just that exceptions.  It is more about other things we are missing.

My feelings toward my own spinsterhood are fluctuating along the time. Occasionally I am anxious, other times content and some occasions even hopeful. As all women I feel fat and ugly, especially around the certain time of the month. It makes me slightly blue.

There are also maternal instincts hitting over. Another friend of mine is expecting a baby. She is close friend of mine and find my self in waiting. I have noticed that I look knitting models in the magazines and think about knitting something to him or her. I find myself looking for the baby books and thinking about educating this one. I would love to become a godmother, but I believe that there are many other great candidates for godparents, so nothing is sure. But it doesn’t matter as the baby’s mother is like a sister to me.

The truth still is that while I am more and more settled in my role as a spinster that even my mother has now acknowledged and as I am wondering if I ever would be a good mother to children, my maternal instincts are still alive. I’d love to be baking a blueberry pie (or in here bilberry pie) for kids, whether my own or ‘borrowed’.

This is a booked posting. So:

Although most of us consider kissing part of common romantic behaviour, it isn’t so in all cultures. It is not long since Japanese considered kissing strange and exotic erotic technique professed by the wordly women.

In my own culture kissing is kind of private thing and kissing in public a statement of a kind. Usually people don’t kiss openly on the streets. When I was a little girl I used to hide my head in the pillows while there was a kissing scene in the telly. Still it makes me uncomfortable to see people to kiss in live, even if I am used to seeing it on the screen. You would not easily catch me kissing either.  While we are a bit inhibited in this sense, nobody in my culture considers kissing itself immoral or unnatural. It is just private.

Anthropology doesn’t offer clear answer to the question, whether kissing is learned or instinctive. Yet many primates kiss in their own ways. Bonobos (Congo Chimpanzees or so called Pygmy Chimpanzees) use kissing to soothing tension among them. On the other hand many Eastern Asian cultures have traditionally found kissing repulsive practice.

“A surprising number of Asian (and African and South American) groups have learned to view mouth-to-mouth kissing as dirty, dangerous, and disgusting, something akin to sticking one’s tongue in another’s nose and wiggling it around. It turned off [an Asian woman, married to an American, Caucasian man] to imagine, anticipate, or experience it, and she felt confused and unhappy when she saw how much her husband enjoyed it.” [From "The Kiss," A 50th Anniversary Lecture -- The Kinsey Institute; October 24, 1998.]

You don’t see open kissing in the Bollywood (Indian Hindi) movies. Not because it would be considered disgusting, but because good girls don’t go around kissing strange men and actresses need to take care of their reputation. You may remember the fuss about Richard Gere kissing actress Shilpa Shettyin AIDS awareness rally. And he just kissed her face. Many Indians considered this incident vulgar. Some of the protesters shouted “death to Shilpa Shetty.”

When attitudes are this serious, one understands why kissing is not popular as it is not cultural norm to kiss others than family members. Yet kissing itself is known in Hindu tradition and it acknowledges at least 40 different ways of kissing, but as Prakash Javadekar, the spokesman of the nationalist Hindu party said: “Such a public display is not part of Indian tradition.”

The question comes even more difficult, when one reads about Pakistani religious leaders getting anoyed not about a kissing(which by the way cannot be shown in local television), but because one of the Pakistani Muslim actresses had kissed a Hindu actor in a Bollywood film. Suddenly what was a question of propriety turns to question of religion. Yet kissing is not prohibited in Islam and I’ve understood the Prophet Muhammad kissed his wives. Yet again as any other part of romantic behaviour this is not allowed in public.

Man kisses woman in the altar after western wedding ceremony. Many don’t see that the origin of the ritual was less romantic and more religious. Traditionally man first kissed religious object and then forward its blessing to his wife whit the kiss. Also southern European greeting kiss relates to catholic kiss of peace between parishioners.

Yet somewhere on the way this religious kissing turned more romantic. Gentlemen started to kiss hands of the ladies, because open kissing was not propriet among couples in love. This maybe due to idea of dangerousness of kissing. Unlike in the East we don’t find kisses repulsive, but instead dangerously tempting. I just red some one to blog about, what leads to cheating and (s)he agreed that kissing starts it.

Tiefer also talked about the dangerous kiss in his lecture. He described the western lore about the kisses that made wrong people to fall in love together (like Romeo and Juliet) or were a vessels of betrayal. Kisses were seen potent in messing people’s sensibilities. He saw kissing as a bonding instrument, just like most women do. It is modern folklore that prostitutes don’t kiss because of this; kissing would make them more emotionally vulnerable and used.

Few Links:

Kissing Explained (for teens)

How Kissing Works

When I was young our youth leader lady told us girls to watch out for sickly jealous men (and no I was not in pioneers or anything such). She had some friend, who had gone through hard time. Lately I’ve red a lot of postings and discussions over cheating. What is to cheat? Who has cheated whom? Why do I always meet cheating women?

The world have seen enough black eyes and restricted lives to know how wice advice it was. I’ve also heard about overly jealous women, who hang on their husbands / men at every movement and are jealous over all the women, who come within mile of their husbands. I’ve heard stories of suffocating relationships, where couples are together 24-7. When one of my friends was dating I asked her does she really need to meet him everyday. She left her life unlived to adjust herself in his life, but soon she was whitout him too. I would have felt drowning whitout enough air.

I watched a french movie, where one of the women said that all husbands cheat, when they stop getting love from home. Her two married friends started to think and the other one become unreasonably suspicious and other one actually found out that her bossy husband had actually cheated her. She got finally guts to leave him after she had stayed in unpleasant marriage, where she was ignored and bullied for then years.

When the unmarried woman was asked wont she feel guilty about going with married men. She answered that it was not her marriage. That was an eye-opener: we are often blaming the mistresses when we should in fact be blaming unloyal husbands. Is it always woman fault? In women’s eyes it often is and men don’t like promiscuous women either. Somehow women are less picky. Maybe we have not learned to respect us enough.

There is a moment in this movie, where one of the ladies burns her fuses for her family and bolts out with another man for one day. It is not clearly shown, what happens between them. She comes home very late. Next morning her husband finds her from the sofa and asks her if she cheated him. She says no and he lets it go. It is question of trust. In some point we must decide between trust and mistrust.

I scene from another movie: Mona Lisa Smile that is situated in 1950s. Young girl has got married as she planned. She is rather conventional and plans the perfect life as a housewife, when she must admit herself that her still rather fresh husband has been cheating her right from the beginning. She must make a choice whether to follow convention, keep up the perfect picture and do as her mother tells her, or to step out of fast dried up marriage.

There was an article in Psychology magazine about why wives always are the last ones to find out of infidelity. It said that it is protection against the emotions that could brake up rather safe relationship. There has been studies that claims that large amount of people cheat. Yet they don’t cheat all the time and most of them feel guilty. There are serial cheaters that could not be cured and those who wake up and understand what they are about to loose. Sometimes the latter should get second change.

Cheating hurts. It takes time to heal the wounds. One must choose whether what is left is worth of preservation and whether one can build new trust. And there are things that should be left undigged. Yet I don’t understand those women, who break up others relationship and expect their cheater partner to be suddenly loyal with them. I don’t think they will suddenly change whit out some huge wake-up-call.

But then again I am spinster. What do I understand of these things?

One of these real-life stories came up in blog-conversation with Modobs and in my mind it led to another… Sometimes real life is funnier than jokes – at least the first story. So this is about men, fancying the celebs and the double standards.

This story was told me by my friend, because I was not present although I knew guys involved pretty well. The story happend in a student house, where there are male and female apartments, but commons social room, where one can watch TV.

So my friend (woman) was watching this movie with guys. Let say it was historical movie situated in Scotland. There was a rider with beautiful red hair and they guys went on like ”Oh, oh”, ”Oh she has such a beautiful hair” and “Show your face beauty” and he showed his face… And my friend had hard time trying to hold her laugh. It was dear Mel with his handsome face. (If you did not get this check the movie and the rider from the end of the post).

The next story happend in the same tv-room some years later in those years when Leonardo di Caprio was the favourite hearbroker of all young girls and women.

There was this young man (if we can call him that) still in his boyish years (like Leo too). I suppose he was a bit jealous for Leo. He went on and on how Brad Pitt was the Man and Leo of course was nothing. (He loved flyfishing and had seen the River Runst Through It). The same guy could spent evnings to praise Natalia Imbruglia and other fast changing loves of his life.

The last one happend in the same tv-room where we were again watching movie – this time with my friend (woman, another than in first story) – the Horse Whisperer. Her boyfriend was there too, supposedly not watching the movie, but reading newspaper. We admired the very well preserved looks and the fit body of the Robert Redford. It was just a short comment – we did not go on and on like guys do – just noted that it would be nice if ones own guy would stay as well preserved too. He did not like it at all.

(Ps. The movie was Braveheart and the rider was of course Mel Gibson   )

I was sick and watched old movies – at least the movies that were old in my catecory, including High Fidelity (2000?). I went throught the extras and in them John Cusack (one of the co-writers and producers of the movie as well as the key actor) commented on imperfect hero. He said that women had loved the guy, because he was honest: “Now they admit it…”

Cusac also noted that it is imperfection that makes people interesting – and complicated. Idea of the movie is that guy wonders what is wrong with him, because women always leave him. (Sorry some plot follows). He goes looking in the past, finds out that he has been hunting a dream (woman), gets tired on never ending dreamhunt and understands the only thing he never got bored was his old girlfriend.

One of the keye moments is when he propose by explaining all this -and she thanks him and asks if he really tought she would say yes. He answers that he tought the important thing was asking. But it is his honesty that makes impression – not the clumsyness of proposal. You can see that his mind has taken an important turn.

I’ve seen this film dozens of times and I do watch it regularly. It is because the guy opens his eyes and sees what is truly important in his life. And he is honest enought to admit where he has gone wrong. He is ready to admit that he is tired of dreaming and wants what is best in reality. Maybe that is being adult…

I “enjoyed” a little disappointment last weekend – a small heartbroke.  Or at least I felt it could not be huge, as I had not right to any huge thing. When at last I can tell something happening in this field, it is disappointing.

I wrote about him last monday- and this weekend I saw him again – not entirely accidentally – with another woman. My great timing again: first I don’t go after something I like and then it slips of my hands, and this is usually men I am interested in. It does not mean that I should hunt them, oh no: I don’t even make myself available for them to come after.

First I didn’t even admit myself I was disappointed. I mean: what could I expect. But it truly cast me down among other annoying things in my life right now. Yet I have no right to walk around in blues and walk around sick as a parrot, because I did not do anything to make myself available in time. Which bring my mind that the Pirates of the Caribbean III is soon here. Did I tell that I’ve always liked pirates, yet I found the last movie as disappointment, but back to the issue.

This seems to be my life story: I am interested in guy, who seems to be interested in me. I act timidly and he gets frustrated. Then he goes and finds another woman – and sooner or later they get married. I always seem to be the last woman before the right one. I don’t know whether men come after me, when they have started to think seriously or whether they get serious after frustrating over me. This thing is still obscure for me.

There is local saying that if you don’t have a darling for the Whitsunday, you shall have none for whole summer. It is awful saying, but guess when it will be – next Sunday! If one would believe in it, I’d again be alone for the summer. Which would not be very surprising after the recent developments. Am I spinster, or what?

The romantic novels are full of these romantic scenes in the office – usually between the boss and a working girl. And it always ends well: the girl gets him. Chick lit has added a little a bit more critical voice in it with Bridget Jones and her unhappy affair with one boss and trying to avoid tentacles of another.

Love at the work place – a cliche that most wise women should avoid. Yet how many of us are truly wise when it comes to love. Our best intention fall apart, when interesting man walks to the scene.

When you put single (and maybe also not so single) men and women under the same roof, five days a week at least eight hours a day, the romantic feelings are prone to appear whatever is done to prevent it. Another question is, what people in the question do with those feelings. Do they act on them or do they try to work them out - rationalise. Would it be wise to stay in so little contact as possible? Are they wise? 

In the office romance there is always available the possible harassment angle – as well as accusations of favoritism, if either of partners is in higher position and able to make amendments to other. This is why many office policies are against the dating between colleagues.  Romantic feelings are also likely to take thoughts away from the work to be done.

Yet in the personal level there are even more avid concerns. If the romance does not work the way it is hoped and either partner gets hurt – the working relationship is not going to stay intact. Also other’s attitudes towards the partners may change and however discreet they think they are – people will know.  And they will talk.

I know one happy office love-story – at least happy in the field of love – not so happy in the question of work. My friend fell in love with a collegue in the office christmas party, a very nice guy that she did not work with daily. Now it is creating problems with other people in the work places. They cannot work together, because of this. She is inclined to change the work.

My own experiences on the office romance are at least as grim. Determined to not to act on them I’ve still got my feelings. And it has not made working relationship easier and people do notice, even if one would not want to – and they do talk – believe me. And I thought I was expert on hiding my feelings, which nobody seems to be in the end. 

I’ve also been witnessing rather immature man playing with a woman’s feelings at the work place in very tiny office. And I don’t doubt women can do that too. Not very nice business I assure you.

And yet I never had to change my work due to this. The unluckiest event would be the need to change the work like in the “In Her Shoes” where the heroine needs and wants to leave her job. It good if you can do it – but financially it may become a catastrophe. And this only if you are rather calm and professional personality.

There is one place I have to say the romance seems to work at least somewhat: at school. A lot of my teachers were married couples and some of them were known to have met in school. Like my computer teacher and domestic science teacher – as well as two of our science teachers. And I have to say it seemed to work, but one must agree that teachers’ work is so independent, that it is less affected.

When one first meets a man: one notices those things that are great about him: height, smile, eyes, funny side, wit, good manners and consideration. Little by little one start to notice negative things: stupid jokes, boasting, untidiness and so on.

Then comes the major turning point: you decide whether these faults are lovable or totally insupportable. After that his qualities are no more the most important thing. You either learn to love those faults (sometimes they are annoying still, but you love them despite of that) or not. And sometimes they just darn cute (although any man would hate to know I’ve called any feature of his cute).

In that turning point you may feel that your interest goes down and you start looking around, but after little while you are back admitting that he is still what you want. Then you start to love the true person instead of the image you first made of him. There is this real person, with his qualities and faults and you love them all – even if some of them would be occasionally annoying.

One falls in love in his qualities, but learns to love his faults. So it always goes, as nobody is perfect – and I’d not have them as such. I watched movie yesterday called “Russian dolls” (it was French) and the girl in the movie says that unlike other women she falls in imperfection and that she loves his faults. I think many women fall for faults – as the perfect people in the end are so boring. This maybe rises from the fact that all of us are potential mothers. Yet there must be qualities to compensate this faults, otherwise it would be monstrous.

Often men don’t understand this strange quality of women. Men try to hide their faults, when honesty would often be better solution. One of those bad hiding efforts is the baldness, which is the most silliest thing, because the bald can be so hot, when carried proudly. Yet the foolish efforts to try to hide it are the most unappealing thing. Just think about the hairpiece or the thin hair combed over bald. Do I need to say more?

It seems common knowledge that men (universally) prefer blonds. Blonder the hair, lighter the skin, more blue the eyes – the better, right? My experience on the issue is varied …

The definition of being blond is what varies. In Italy I was a blond, “biondo” like they say. I lived in a industrial city of about 0,5 million citizen and very few passing tourists, and about 10 blonds in total (I may slightly execrate, but not much.) Boy was I success. Even in Rome men tended to flirt me and tell me I was beautiful.

In Scandinavia I am nothing special. There I am just an average girl, whit medium blond hair, nothing special. They don’t even call me blond. You must be lighter to be called blond. Only platinum blonds are considered true blonds. And besides, because blond is so common, some men prefer brunettes, just for variety.

One Scandinavian bloke, I used to know, thought he liked brunettes. He went to live in Italy, in this city, where almost everybody had either dark brown or black hair. Do you know what happened? He started to prefer blonds, just like most of the Italian guys.

I just took a walk in one sunny spring day. I was wearing brown jeans, greenish suede jacket and flat shoes, and my hair was in a knot. I had classes and did not feel a bit sexy. It was disaster. Most men I passed that day were drooling after me. One guy’s jaw literary dropped. I did not think that was really possible, I thought you only see that in cartoons. I was wrong.

I got huge amount of compliments and it was good for spirit, but was it fun? Later on it was not. I had got tired by it already by that spring day. I can now understand, why beauties and famous people go on holding nose a bit up. You grew quickly tired of all the attention. People used to think me little rude, because I did not notice them in the street. I walk in my dreams / own toughts even usually and then even more due to cultural pressure and the amount of attention.

The title of this article is by the way a movie quote. It is from movie “How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days”. Kate Hudson says it, when she describes silly female magazine articles. My answer is, that it depends on your definition of fun. If you want attention, became pretty blond. But don’t expect to be taken seriously. And expect to get more harassment.

Jane Austen is as a personality suprisingly modern and as a writer timeless.   Her vivid characters and wise stories continue to inspire, as it has done for 200  years, both men and women as well.  She was not just a writer but also a thinker and one could even call her philosopher. And she is not culture relative as Bollywood-style filmatisation “Bride and Prejudice” has shown us.

She was once engaged for just a day, for it seems that the fiancé was not satisfactory for her in the end. She was tempted of having her own home, but not at any price, as so many today’s single women do as well.

One can symbatise with Jane’s want of her own home. She was living with her parents and later with widowed mum, who has not been supposed to be the easiest personality. I know how it is like as I lived one painful year with my parents as an adult.She seems to have had a true love as younger, but It was not success story, as his family was wanting for better than poor daughter of vicar. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? But there are also other connections with her life and especially youth in her books.

And we can be grateful, as her “children” have been great source of enjoyment and blessing for so many. It would be unlikely that she could have continued her writing, in case of becoming a housewife. She would have liked to marry tough, but on her own conditions, too.

Jane’s sister destroyed a lot of her letters after her death, so we know only a one side of her life. She was self-made writer, who developed her skills to extensive reading and writing since her teen-years.

An amateur like me can see her as true forerunner of more realistic literature in the times of Romantic-movement. When Dickens, godfather of Realistic-movement, was born, she had already published her first and sold other to be published just little after. And Austen was much more down to earth than Dickens.

Besides the writer, Austen has also been respected as an ethical thinker. Alasdair McIntyre considers her the follower of Aristotelian tradition and last great follower of Virtue ethics. He thinks that ethical thinking is clearly visible in her novels. By the way Aristotle too had a book called “On Sense and Sensible“.

She is suprisingly universal, as I tought after seeing Bride and Prejudice. These Indian girls of modern days seem to be even more related to her reality than modern western women are. But even the modernity has not moved them very far either. We can share the life – and experiences throug her.