Somebody asked me this question in this blog for a while ago.

I don’t think it is a question of need. I can do without a mate. I might feel more satisfied with a family, but I am rather happy with my life as it is. In fact relationships (with men) usually make me feel frustrated and uncomfortable.

 It is more like I want one. I want a man to share my life with and I preferably also family. I’d love to have some one waiting me to come home after work and share my lonely nights with. I’ve always been a bit maternal type and I’ve wanted kids the last 15 years.

Yes, I feel like time is running out, but it is more because of my ability to count, than because my friends are already married. Most of them are not. In fact only one of my good friends is and another one is going to go next summer. My sister is not and propably will never be, because she does not want same things from her life. My mother has never been hinting on this.

I am unofficially a God mother (- it will be official only after the babtism of course). The baby girl was born couple of weeks ago and after it we had a slight worry with her blood sugar levels, but now everything is fine. I am happy for them and part of me wants to throw a party and another part of me wants to pamper her to rots.

I was almost sure it was a boy, before it was born. Earlier during the pregnancy I was thinking it was a girl – I just had a feeling, but later I had almost convinced myself it would be a boy as its daddy thought it would be. I had almost bought a skull & bones pacifier (for a joke) cause I knew its daddy had asked for skull cloth nappies. But it was born to be a most beautiful little girl possible.

One of my collegues commented on me that somehting happens on the brains of women, when they see babies. I don’t know if that is true for them all, but for me it is I suppose. I am over the moon – and it is not even my niece nor my own daughter. The whole summer I we been feeling like there is some kind of population rush as it seems that every third woman you see (of fertile age) are pregnant. I was thinking I was little nutty, before I red an article that the maternity wards are in trouble as there are so many babies expected in the best holiday season. Everybody is working overtime.

And no wonder – just couple of years ago my cousine gave birth to her second about this time and now my friend too. Yet both of them was not so much planned as my cousine and her hubbie had given up the hope for another. And my friend and her hubbie had decided that one could come when it would come. They had counted that as neither of them is very young anymore, the baby might take some time. I just red about this few weeks ago as the researchers have found out that also male fertility slumps after they turn to 40s. So its not only women, who should get the babies early enough but also men should not leave it too late.

I’d love to get a baby of my own, but I just don’t think I am ready yet – and I don’t have that much time anymore.

While I feel like nothing has happened, during the time I was away from here, there has been those moments. First I’ve heard that I’ll be godmother. He/She should born one of these days. I like children and while not having any of my own godchild is a good substitute. I have felt little left out in fact, because many of my friends have had plenty of godkids. This is my first. Although one old friend (long time not seen) told me that she could have written the same story: for years no godchildren and then in the few years several. I wonder…

In June I was in my summer holiday. I visited Italy - went to the Gulf of Naples, in to the green island of Ischia. I travelled alone and some of my compatriot young women asked, how do I dare to travel alone to Italy. Now Italy I’ve never considered a problem – or at least not after my first visit. I can handle Italian men alright. Anyway I was pretty much left alone. Only one day I was wearing skirt and was asked for a ride, which I politely and smilingly denied. (Have to admit that it made my day. )

My friends have bought a house I visited in the end of my holiday. They moved away from the big city – mostly due the work, but at the same time were able to upgrade their living standards from small flat to own, although slightly older house. It was nice. I started to think about the possibility to remove me from the big city and moving to a cheaper and smaller town. Yes I am getting old.

There was even questionably romantic moment after I came back from my holiday. One evening after work I met an old acquaintance and we spoke couple of hours, while standing on the pavement and it was even slightly raining and we needed to move under the cover. It was nice, but afterwards I did not know what to make about it. He seemed keen to talk to me though. He asked me to spend time whit their group of people and I’ve intended to, but while it is already couple of weeks ago, I’ve not managed. Maybe I am so inefficient, because I am slightly baffled what to make about it. I wonder if I should not try make anything about it before I see it through.

This was again me-me-me post, most of you might not be at all interested. I just wrote it to update those friends I’ve made through the blogging world and who might have wondered what happened to me. One last thing: I am finally finished with this job (mentally – because it is permanent) and ready to find new one. I know I don’t want to jump for first (and maybe worst) possibility, so I am looking for a long process. But I feel it is necessary.

This question surprised me. I had never thought about taking care of myself as a woman (you guys can replace it with man if you like). It was in a book, where it was part of the section about identity. I seldom think about taking care of myself anyway. I posed this question to my girl friends and according their reactions, they were as baffled as I was.

The question was like opening a new window of thought. I at least believed I was seeing a totally new dimension here and trough it looking my life differently. Although I was not that sure what the question meant exactly. What would it be like to take care of my femininity?

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot, how people often talk about masculinity and mean strength (both physical and mental) and talk about femininity and mean sensitivity and empathy. It is like women and men equally would not posses both groups of qualities. Not all men like wrestling and not all women hate it. Not all men hate ballet and not all women love it.

When I was in high school I was good with computers and occasionally even better than the guys in the course. I was the only girl. We could process with the computer programming course as we best wished. While boys ran forward as fast as they could – I spend a lot of time making my programs also look OK, instead of just working. When they got stacked some where our teacher asked me to skip few easier problems and try the ones they could not manage.

When I left first from the exam after checking my answers twice, all the guys stared at me and after we got the result one of them was sent to ask mine. I felt like a freak. I did better than them. I was not a proper girl, because I was able to process higher mathematics (like my computer teacher told his wife, who again told my mum).

It only came to my mind later that I approached my task differently than guys, even if my abilities seemed above them. On the other hand there were not many in the course that were good at maths and science. After the high school I shook maths and science off myself and head off to political sciences, part as a rebellion and part as avoiding some imaginative stigma. Maybe it is this why I do have hard time understanding transgender. I feel vulnerable myself.

Now how do I take care of myself as a woman? Occasionally I wear skirt and that is for my own pleasure and not to please men. I enjoy wearing skirts, especially those long ones that are not very sexy, but feel as a weight on the ankle and make me feel like woman. I was my hair with a shampoo that supposedly brightens the dark blond colour. I bought myself tulips just before Easter. It is difficult to tell. So how do you take care of yourself as man / woman?

I find that unlike many single women claim to do, I enjoy talking about pregnancy, baby slings, different kind of diapers, prams and how and where baby should sleep. As I told before I feel even closer connection to my friend now that she is pregnant.

My friend is bigger now, although her weight is more evenly distributed than in most pregnant women and one might not be so sure, if one would not have seen her before. She says she does not need to use maternity pants and clothes yet, although she has been using tunics for while already.

Touch the tummy? No I have not felt the baby kicking and would not try to touch her stomach, if she will not offer (probably wont). It would be interesting, but not something I think I want to push. I wonder will people really try to touch pregnant women’s stomachs – probably not in our culture. She has told me that she has already felt for a while some movements.

This has also made me think about children myself – you also might have noticed it, when I freaked about the menopause thing. Men are so lucky as they don’t have to worry of the things like that.

I confess I did it. I wrote nice little profile in quite specific dating service my friend had used before (and not found her guy there). I just wanted to include some men in my life and possibly date. I was as honest as possible. Let me see I wrote something like hating washing dishes and being a dreamer, but surprisingly it did not seem to scare men off.

I got plenty of answers. In the beginning I felt it was fair to answer at least those that had written me something more than just being interested. I asked some of them questions (like why the one of the guys was still living with his parents and why another one had divorced). I felt I needed answers to these questions.

The premier embarrassment was when I realised the fake name I used to open the free e-mail I was using was shown as a sender of the mails. The truth is I don’t still have found out, how to remove it. So part of my odyssey have been trying not to make fool of my self, while explaining that “Anne” is not really my name. Some of them I’ve even given my real first name (as they’ve given theirs too). I want to keep my anonymity and at the same time I don’t want to mislead them thinking I am more open than I am.

I have to admit that the whole dating business brought up some old traumas (of harassment) and I felt panicking. One Saturday of February I just cried about things that had happened me before, when I was younger. I was rather delighted that the worst was over after then, but I am still not totally over my fear of dating (and men).

The crying episode was after I’ve been surfing about first the phobia of men and after brought forward the issue of abuse, I searched about its psychological effects. And all it made me cry of things that I had safely locked in the closet in the far end of my mind. I finally admitted what all this had done to me and cried of the self bitty and sorrow of the loss.

This did not make my net-dating project any easier, although I must admit, that it might have been necessary episode. After it I decided to take practical standpoint on choosing men and ask from them few key issues (about things they like and what are they expecting of the life). And I panicked of that too, because I was afraid that I had asked too serious questions too soon. But my fear was pointless as they both answered nicely.

Now I am thinking, because their answers were both so nice (there are just two guys in the arena at the moment), I don’t know who to choose. I fear I have to make my choice on what I feel are the irrelevant issues. Yet there are very little to blame them otherwise.

There was a third guy, who has been bombing me whit messages for some weeks now. I must admit that I admire his endurance, when my answers have been few and far between. Yet I’ve not written much more to other either. There was certain reasons I was not sure about him and so today I wrote him and asked for a break and to come back later, if he still felt like it. It will give me a breathing space I hope, without needing to totally skip him. Yet I made it enough clear that he should look for other places for a while.

I have to admit, it is not easy to make a choice according few messages and a short (or even shorter) profile. Yet I don’t want to keep both of them hanging after me, while I date them both. I am one at the time kind of girl and I don’t even think I’d have capacity for more. This I told them. So now I need to choose, with whom I want to proceed right now and to whom I want to say “see you later”. Not an easy choice to make for a woman, who is not good making decisions.

I am not even sure right now I am ready to fall in love and part of me wonders if it is fair for these guys, put on the other hand: one must start somewhere.

One of my over-coat buttons got loose couple of weeks ago. It seems to reflect everything that is going wrong at my life at the moment. I seem to not be able to handle such a minor things as sewing my button, which I by the way can do perfectly well.

The problem is not that I could not, but that I don’t seem to be able address the problematic issue. In the morning I decide to do it to day and in the evening I notice that I’ve not done it again and that I am too tired to start. And yet again one more day has gone. And days float past me like dreamy swans.

This is strange, because lately my mood have clearly lifted of the long foggy season. I feel hopeful and loving my life (most of the time). I am not nervous nor distress like I used to be still at autumn. I feel generally happy, occasionally joyful. Yet it seems overly hard to tackle everyday issues.

Part of the problem is that we have most stressful time of the year at work. The other part of the problem is that I seem to be processing my past and especially past associating whit my relationships and men in heavy processing. You might think it would be depressing, but in fact I feel the process is liberating and unburdening. Yet it takes quite a much of my mental and emotional capacity.

Plus to everything else I got committed for these casual studies whit my friend, where there is a social pressure to do it properly as she want us to work together as a small group. And I’d love it, if only I had more time to concentrate in it. At the moment I feel guilty if I do it and I feel guilty if I don’t .

The problem of being single is there that I am not able to get help from someone at home (and I am too shame to ask some outsider). The benefit of being couple is that you could get help, when you’re having too much trouble. Yet this might be just seeing the greener grass on the other side of the fence thus idealising the steady relationships. Truth in my parents relationship was quite different in fact.

My best friend is pregnant for the first time and I’ve been about to write about it for a month already. It is surprising that I don’t feel a dot envious although I’ve been wanting a baby on and off since I was 17 (a bit sheepish, I know!). Instead I am genuinely happy for her and listening all her news cordially.

She calls the baby “the bundle”. I’ve just heard that the Bundle is now 20 cm of height and growing happily. She had her second scan just a couple of days ago. The sunday before she was already showing off some extra weight. One might not have noticed if one would have been used to see her thinner.

It seems to me that the babe is bringing us even closer than we used to be before. It is funny as I truly would except myself to be envious, but I am not. I don’t even feel strange or funny as she suddenly is becoming mum. Somehow it feels so natural to me. At the same time I feel so outsider – she already knows about pregnancy and fetus so much more than I do. Occasionally I’ve even felt a bit stupid, because I don’t know things she seems to take for granted.

I don’t even dare to expect her to make me godmother as she has so many friend and the daddy has plenty of them too.

“Destined to die alone
in a room heavy whit
the tang of cat wee.”

This e-card brings to my mind a scene from the first Bridget Jones film, where she is afraid to end up old maid and being eaten by her dogs. 

Happy Valentine for all “Spinsters” and all other single Ladies! Lets give up all stupid fears, laugh cordially for them  all and for ourselves and live happily ever after enjoying our freedom as long as it lasts.

If you want to send this or some other kind of “cute” anti-valentines card, check meish.org.

Ps. My friend shend me a e-card cat for valentines and other one send me a postcard picturing two swinging nuns.  Did they maybe try to tell me something?

We went to see the movie (My Blueberry Nights) whit my friend, who did not like it that much, because she said it is not likely to get such a handsome guy anymore (Jude Law) and thought it cheesy. I had seen it more like a story of love and lost – and journey of getting over. (Of course the Hollywood stars are pretty - they are not real life).

I’ve been thinking about that moment and that comment and wondering does it show our different inclinations towards the relationships.

I am a romantic – have been so long I can remember and have not yet stopped being. I am a dreamer. Maybe my hopes and dreamers are unrealistic and maybe my friend is more realistic, but I wonder if she has became a bit bitter and cynical. But is it better to be realistic or hopeful?

The last year (2007) was intended to be a year of relationship processing. I wanted to use this blog as my method of personal therapeutic writing. I partly forgot it and wrote anyway. Maybe it is time to return to the key issue here. Is there something wrong in me, because I’ve not yet mated? Should I just be content of staying single?

The Male sweat is supposed to make women more relaxed and less anxious. The fact is male smell tames us. It makes women more relaxed. I’ve been wondering if these is the reason spinsters get little tense towards older age. I don’t think it is so much about sexual activity, because female sexual drive is not so high. Of course there are exceptions of this rule, but they’re just that exceptions.  It is more about other things we are missing.

My feelings toward my own spinsterhood are fluctuating along the time. Occasionally I am anxious, other times content and some occasions even hopeful. As all women I feel fat and ugly, especially around the certain time of the month. It makes me slightly blue.

There are also maternal instincts hitting over. Another friend of mine is expecting a baby. She is close friend of mine and find my self in waiting. I have noticed that I look knitting models in the magazines and think about knitting something to him or her. I find myself looking for the baby books and thinking about educating this one. I would love to become a godmother, but I believe that there are many other great candidates for godparents, so nothing is sure. But it doesn’t matter as the baby’s mother is like a sister to me.

The truth still is that while I am more and more settled in my role as a spinster that even my mother has now acknowledged and as I am wondering if I ever would be a good mother to children, my maternal instincts are still alive. I’d love to be baking a blueberry pie (or in here bilberry pie) for kids, whether my own or ‘borrowed’.