I am taking my mom for a holiday. Firstly: no big partying for sure. Secondly: she has bad legs, so not  necessarily much sight seeing either. She acts like a little girl asking for advice. My auntie had told her there might be cockroaches there, so we planned to take air-tight box for food.

This might be one time thing. She is looking to fill reserves for vitamin-D and I am looking for the light. Darkness at this time of the year is killing me. So we are both looking for sun, but not for tan. I’m going to back some light books whit me. Eating well and going to one excursion at least. So lame.

I try to think positively: it has to get darker to be able to get lighter, but this time of the year is so hard. My inner clock is totally mixed up and I’d love to sleep and sleep and sleep all the mornings. I use “bright light” or “light theraphy“ that helps a little, but its impact is still rather low. I’ve been planning to buy so called “dawn stimulation“.

I am propably affected by the “seasonal affective disorder“, which is especially hard here in Northern Europe, where population is more thickly spread in the north thanks to the Gulf Stream that makes Northern Europe much warmer than Northern America and Asia on the same latitudes. This means that more people are affected by the lack of light in the mid-winter, even if it doesn’t ever become totally dark here. The worst time for me is before Christmas in the late November and early December.

Now you have to understand that my mother has scarcely travelled before. I am much more experienced in this field. My auntie and many of my moms friends are much more experienced. One of her childhood friends spends her winters in the south whit her husband. When we were kids, we hardly ever travelled.

I am much more used to travelling autonomously than whit package tours. And I am not into beach life. In my experiences it just bores me.  I rather see something exotic. So this tour is like senior travel for me, but I am happy to go whit my mother. In the spring I am hoping to go off whit my well travelled sis or some of my friends to see some Italy. I am expecting much more of that trip.

It was my mother’s idea by the way to go Morocco. My girl cousin used to be married whit Moroccan man – very nice guy by the way. And my auntie and  her husband have been travelling there a little. I I offered to take my mother to Greece or Cyprus, because I was expecting lower culture shock, but she did not want to go to Mediterranean, because there might rain this time of the year.

It is travelling year for the siblings as my uncle (my mothers big brother) was first time abroad, I believe, and travelled to the China whit Trans-Siberian railways. He had enjoyed the trip and truly surprised us all, not least me. But he has always been the most enigmatic of my uncles. He is keen reader and a friendly, flexible man.

My mother has travelled in Scandinavia before, so this is not exactly the first experience, but it is first time beyond the North. Yet she is prepared for cockroaches and stuff, and I warned her about potential sunburns, so not much to worry about shocking things, I hope. And we are her daughters anyhow. It is strange to feel like my mother big sister in this thing. For me travelling is so usual. I’ve seen so much that nothing much worries me. She on the other hand was asking what to wear and what to take whit her.

I have to say she has prepared much better than I have taking vaccinations for hepatitis (A/B), while mine are a bit old. Maybe I am slightly over-relaxed here.

My mother suffered untreated depression during most of my childhood. It put a great strain both on my parents marriage and on us children. It is something that still makes me angry toward the world (but no more against my parents: they did their best). It was baby blues suffered after my brother was born and due to not been treated properly continued for years.

It puts strain on my life too. Although I am not like my mother in many ways, I do have same melancholic tendencies. And it makes me worried: I’d hate to be a burden for my hubby or my kids. I’d hate to make their lives miserable due to my potential illness. This makes me feel scared of relationship and responsibilities of relationships as well as defective. I don’t want to become my mother.

I’d love to be healthy, wealthy and wise, before I burden anybody else whit my presence. I know I am hunting for perfection impossible to reach. At the same time I’d feel guilty of luring any man to whit-out being honest of my tendency, yet claiming that directly as soon as possible would definitely scare anybody off (me too). It is easier not to get involved.

Yet not getting involved makes me sad. I’ve always seen myself as a marrying kind of woman. I’ve always loved kids and I’d love to be wonderful mother to them, but I don’t know if I can. I’d love to have companionship and adventure of a lifetime whit my hubby, but I am afraid my solo adventure takes me to the roads of blues he should not follow me in. I try to tell myself I am not my mother: at the first signs of depression and angst I actively seek help, instead of hiding. Yet the fear is there.

I am not the only one suffering from the childhood in the shadows of depression and the fears it greates. I wanted to share this with you, even if it is a bit sad.

[This is a subject difficult to write of, so Please, moderate your comments accordingly.]

Some links:

• Web4Health: How does mental illness affect the family?
• Better Health Channel: Mental illness – family and friends
• AOL Coaches: How can a depression affect a family?
• Healthy Place.com: Effects Of Depression On Family and Friends

Female life. Battered ego. Today I am feeling fat – and ugly. Not bad hair day tough – saved at least from that. Before Bridget Jones I tought it was just me. She opened our eyes and mouths to talk.

The facts don’t matter, when one feels fat. In fact I did this test in the net, where you had to choose your body image and but your weight – and then it showed, what was the real body. I considered myself fatter than I actually could be. The most women would have succeed about the same way, but most males, I understand, would have balanced the scale on the other direction: believing they look better than they actually do.  Maybe new metro-sexuals can change traditional equation.  

[I have to admit that behind my fat feeling was about 200g of Toblerone white chocolate eaten in Saturday and Sunday. I was so bad!]

There have been a lot of talk about the changed sizes (all the sizes are getting bigger) used to blur the truth that the public body image  is not healthy today. Some sources stated that last season the average height of models at the European cat walks were supposed to be 179 cm average whit the average weight of about 50 kg. Everybody, who can count, knows that cannot be healthy (average BMI being about 15,5). Some European  officials (Spain, Milan) banned models under BMI (Body Mass Index) 18, while BMI 18,5 – 25 is generally considered healthy by medical  authorities. The several studies have confirmed that the public body images have impact on our personal body images. No wonder we are feeling fat.  

I’ve always thought that I have short of round or square face until somebody told me that I have more like a long face. I started to look myself differently - but I really had to measure myself from the picture, before I bevelled the fact.  Still sometimes like in the yesterday morning, when my face felt swollen and looked a bit too, I have hard time not thinking my face as a moon. Somebody told me I was ugly at the most vulnerable age of 13. It has affected my self image quite a lot since then.

On the top of feeling ugly I had dentist today and due to some stupid things I did postponing dentist in the spring: a root treatment. Now that does not make one feel happy and hopeful for that day. Fortunately the dentist was generous whit local anesthetic. I did not feel a thing. I am happy to go there another time as I don’t have to be afraid of the pain.

Lipsticks contain lead, consumer group says (Reuters).

Now lipstick is something you ingest like food. Yet it does not fill requirement for food and there are no legal limits. What is even more worrying: lead is well known to be bad for skin too. Traditional powders used to made of lead that eventually ate the skin away. The mode of face-veils for older ladies was created.

Read More:

Campaign For Safe Cosmetics

PDF report of lipstic lead (also tested brands)

Due to lack of time this will be short posting I am sorry that I did not write yesterday due to toothache and certain time of the month, that kept me in the bed (at least almost: watching old movies). My last week contained a lot of different things…

Maybe due to that unlucky time of month, my hair was dirty all the time and I suffered not just a day but week of bad-hair. Plus to that I had to renew a subscription and met handsome young doctor, who told me to have nice summer. I had phone call of my friend, who is planning the wedding. And I have had on-and-off toothache. But I’l write more tomorrow, when I have time to do that.

Strange tiredness has hit me this week. Little later in the afternoon I’ve been hit by mental and physical fatigue. Today it seems I woke up to it. I wonder weather I am sick or because I am tired of …

I am tired answering the phone.  

I am tired explaining legal issues to our customers.

I am tired of avoiding trouble at work.

I’m tired of soothing down angry customers.

I am tired of eating. Nothing tastes good.

I am tired of writing. 

I am tired of reading anything.

And most worriedly: I am tired on surfing in the net.

I just wish I could go, but my feet up and sleep. And be cause I can’t I find myself staring out of the window no thoughts in my head.

At the moment I am also tired of being tired. Would somebody please wake me up?

I really needed time to relax. My life have been hectic in many ways. It has been stressful and busy at work and me trying to recover from my light winter depression on the top of that. And then it is a year from my fathers death. Everything together was little a bit too much. Plus, I felt I was a bit addicted to Internet in general and blogging in particular, and decided to keep a little break. Now it feels better.

I spent last week plus some in the country side whit my mother. We have watched TV, eaten and talked. We have such a similar mentality that I’ve had really no quarrels whit her for decade. It is easy to be whit her and that’s why spending time whit her is perfect holiday. We both like to read and watch light shows from TV, so it is easy. I’ve been spending too much time whit TV, but home in the city I don’t have one and I just watch movies whit my laptop, so it isn’t that bad.

We went whit my mother to buy tombstone for my fathers grave. Nothing too fancy and yet rather decent. We also visited the grave yard. It is a peaceful place and I’ve never understood the fuss about them being scary. I’ve been in the graveyard night time too, to watch the candles. Somehow it all felt like a ending. I was rather restless before Easter, but I am no more.

I also got myself a new haircut (earlier long hair is now just down to my collarbone) and then my mother and I experimented whit hair-colour and made stripes, which came through pretty well. I’ve just red an article from Psychologies April number about how change in the hair may be sign of over-all change in life. It just makes me feel free and I find myself keeping it open all the time.

Identity Building and Some Breathing Space

Last week gave me time to think my life through. I feel I’m opening up. I’ve been more ready to admit my faults in all peace an quiet. Making mistakes has always been difficult. There has been this inner voice that says that I should be perfect. I think it is voice of my parents I’ve internalised. Part of me has been freed, but part is still hanging on.

I also realised that as my mother is able to be so much more domestic than I that I feel short of inferiority syndrome. My growing up years were a time I was feeling very boyish and time to find a way to fit in a female model. Yet there are ways I would not want to resemble my mother.

You may have noticed that I’m in the middle of accept myself as I am campaign. The last blogging about shyness, occasional blues and accepting my fears is part of that. I’ve won some of my fears before – like the fear of heights. It took a lot of constant training and now I noticed I’ve been somewhat sloth on that lately as the stairs of the new office building make me dizzy. And I am obviously avoiding stairs in my home building too, although usually I’m a stair climber.

These breathing spaces are important for to be able to figure out where I am in my life. Next will be arranging my friends weddings I suppose. I try to arrange free a week before them and help her out. I think It’ll be fun as I don’t need to stress really. I just love to be involved some how. And then will be midsummer and I’ll come here to spend some time whit my ma. Rest of the yearly holiday I’ll save for autumn, so I’ll get some bonus days. Isin’t it a great system?

I love the nature around us. We got a little a bit snow  by a  suprise. As I’ve not got prober winter holiday before this extra long easter break so it was kind of heaven sent. Yet some of the birds have already arrived from south to spend the summer here. The lake was partly opened and the water occasionally shined deep blue in the bright spring sun. It was so beautiful.

The big problem whit depression, fear and timidity is that they all make us feel less worthy due to them. We are anxious about the fear, feel blue about the depression and are ashamed about timidity. It is an awful cycle. Yet they are often just part of sensitive personality and much easier to deal whit if we give us the right to be as we are.

We should forgive us, appreciate us and respect us as ourselves. Even if we occasionally feel blue, anxious or shy, we should not be overly critical towards our selves. So lets give us a big hug. You guys can give your selves a big bear hug (like you do after goal in the game), so it does not feel so girlish.

So getting to know others takes little more time (and you may feel a bit like an outsider), and you warm a bit more slowly than others, what is the big deal. You may feel lonely for a while but that is not forever. Some studies say that eventually timid people may be more flexible. Or are you just thinker and oriented toward inner-toughs, which is perfectly normal. And maybe the occasionally blues slows you down and helps to go through difficult feeling now and then. Being scared may be your natural protective reaction to something, that just went out of proportion some how. We should not be so hard on our selves.

About 1/3 of the children are born shy, 20% of all go through some serious depression and all of us are afraid of something. It is not about being afraid, it is about not letting fear to control your life. It is not about being timid, but not giving in to it and becoming secluded. It is not about depression, but being merciful towards yourself, when you are not at your best.

Our society needs as well thinkers as social people. Not everybody are the same and the key is to help each other and understand that all of us have our own strengths and weaknesses in certain areas, but that the same features may be weakness and strength on other fields. Let’s be our selves and try to grow a little in the areas of our own weaknesses. The small steps are in the long run the most effective ones.

I wrote a little a bit nasty about Nicole Richie while ago. I feel a bit guilty about that, especially while I have my own experiences about eating disorder. While I’ve been listening others, I feel that mild forms of eating disorder are not rare among the women of my own generation.

I was just turned 14, when a girl in my class asked, how much I weight. You should have seen her face, when I told. She was not too thin herself and it left me lasting impact. I was much taller than she was and it was natural that I might be heavier. I toughed I was heavy, although I would be happy if I would be that thin today. Still I did not decide to loose weight intentionally.

The other problem was that at the time the school canteen was nasty place. The food was occasionally spit at and played with. The guys I sat with acted in repulsive ways. So I did not go there if I was not forced to. I ate sandwiches after coming home.

I also dropped most of the fat from my diet, as well as I could. I never continued until the level you stop eating totally. I just dropped of one meal and the usual amount of fat, not that I had been eating much of it before that.

I did not loose huge amount of weight but I lost enough to alarm school nurse. She put me in weight control. And my mother was also worried. I was not yet alarmed my self. It took one afternoon at my Granny’s, when I saw a tv-film about girl, who had anorexia and eventually died in it, to wake me up. After that I did no more loose weight, tough I was still very thin, on the limits of healthy.

When I watch my school photos from the first year of high school, I don’t know what to think. Today I happily have more curves. I am of that shape that little fat fits me. I still look quite thin. Women usually say to me, that I am so thin. One (very honest) guy once said that I was fat only down to waist. I don’t know if that is compliment or not.

Eating is easy to keep under control, when life is other wise in huge mess. It was not last time I played with my weight. I am wise enough to understand that it is always there waiting for me. Once you start it – it is not easy to stop or forget. But when fat starts to make me sick, I buy an pizza with extra cheese and force myself to eat it.

I don’t have normal sense of hunger any more, so it is easy to forget to eat. Sometimes my blood sugar goes too low. I have to remind my self. I know that I am light case of eating disorders. And I don’t have dark stories to tell about drugs of any kind.

I think that very few women of my generation are able to view their weight in neutral way, at least in the west. It feels so stupid that there are people who are hungry against their will and then there are people who are hungry because society expects it.

The last few weeks have drawn my blood both literally and nonliterally. We have had stressful time at work and I also donated some blood. And I think I saw a real rat to top all those nonliteral ones.

I had planned to give blood already at Valentines day, but somehow that did not materialise. Instead I went there yesterday after this week of drama. I feel great every time that I donate blood.

I just red that many Americans think donating blood old fashioned, because there is so called artificial blood invented. The truth is: there is no such artificial blood that would bypass the real blood or even come close. Research is blooming, but until now they have not invented anything enough good to be even close to bypass the real stuff.

I have donated blood now five times successfully and once not so well. I have pretty high levels of hemoglobin, so I don’t usually feel too bad afterwards. I just feel that I’ve done my share. I just counted I have donated now totally 2 liters of blood. I have still some to go for a full blown accident , but I have already covered few routine surgeries.

Donating blood makes me always feel there is purpose of my living, even if I would other wise wonder if there is one.