Somebody asked me this question in this blog for a while ago.

I don’t think it is a question of need. I can do without a mate. I might feel more satisfied with a family, but I am rather happy with my life as it is. In fact relationships (with men) usually make me feel frustrated and uncomfortable.

 It is more like I want one. I want a man to share my life with and I preferably also family. I’d love to have some one waiting me to come home after work and share my lonely nights with. I’ve always been a bit maternal type and I’ve wanted kids the last 15 years.

Yes, I feel like time is running out, but it is more because of my ability to count, than because my friends are already married. Most of them are not. In fact only one of my good friends is and another one is going to go next summer. My sister is not and propably will never be, because she does not want same things from her life. My mother has never been hinting on this.

There is point in every relationship, where you have to admit that person you are in love with is not perfect. You start to see him or her as she or he really is. That is the moment of truth, because it decides whether you can really love that person or not. I feel that it’s the moment, where the truth is measured and you have to give up the dream partner and get to know the real person.

Yet I think it is one of the best moments of the relationship, because only after it you can learn to really love the person as he or she is with all faults, peculiarities and imperfections. While it is a moment of truth, it is as well the moment of hope, as it makes possible to our greatest dream to come true: to be loved as a real person we are.

If you wait for dream reality and believe that relationship and your partner should be perfect, this might be painful moment. If you’re stuck with idea that your relationship should be perfect fairy-tale, you might either give it up or deny the reality. Either way the partner will not get to be loved as you is and you yourself might be hunting impossible dream. If you self end up to be the unloved partner, you might feel betrayed, either because you’re abandoned for what seems like insignificant reasons or because it is not really you they are in love with, its their imagined dream person. It might take time to realise the situation one is in.

I would not want to be worshipped on the pedestal for many raesons. Primarly I’d want to be loved and respected as a whole person with my peculiarities and flaws. I am also afraid of falling down in a hard way. Also there is not much space to move on the pedestal and I would not want to be prisoned by some one elses hopes, dreams and expectations. One must see this as a different question than taking the other persons hopes and needs in to consideration.

When I first time came to the point, where I needed to let the man down from the pedestal of infatuation, it was eye opening moment. It was also sweet moment, when I understood I could love him as a real person. I found out that imperfection could be sweet. That moment is one I’ve kind of learned to wait for. It makes the relationship so much more deep and meaningful. To be sweetly teased of ones imperfections can be lovely as a sign of true love.

It may sound funny, but I truly think that I should dream less and live in reality little more. The idea came to me, when I was thinking of a man I know and like. Always before I’ve let my dreams run wild: designing the family and kids, thinking up the weddings. And sometimes I have had difficulty to separate my dreams from reality.

I have well developed imagination. In my head I write stories to please myself. They rarely come out in the reality. Sometimes they can be productive, while they make me want to know about issues and understand things. Often they are counter productive, because I spend my time in thinking and not putting things in action. The funny thing is that I often act before I think and things I think I rarely put on action. Maybe I am afraid that reality would not be as perfect as the dreams can be.

In case of relationship this usually means loosing the touch.  I wonder if the daydreams are really my escapade from my fears relating relationships and I have plenty of those. Daydreams are safe, while the reality can broke your heart.  Yet they make me passive. That I’ve never been good in feminine wiles, makes situation worst. I’ve never needed those wiles to get attention and I’ve always felt them to be somewhat dishonest, but maybe that is part of the problem: I don’t know how to connect.

So while I daydream, the relationship that was in the bud starts to dry up. I end up noticing that only thing I have left are my dreams. I’ve jumped ahead before anything really happens and I stand there with only empty dreams. Instead of being more cautious in my head and seeing were it might be leading. I feel heartbroken  whit out a reason. My problems raise partly from the fear of passionate relationship and that fear is I think the root of my dreaming, because the dreams are safe. 

Yet the older I got more I’ve realised that however safe the daydreams are, in the end they are just that – only dreams. The man of the dreams is never a real person. He is just mirrow of my own hopes and dreams. He lacks his own personality and his own will. He acts as I’d hope him to act. In other words he is just puppet of my imagination, who looks like the person I am interested in. He is boneless, fleshless and cold.

Dream man is easier to get along than a real person only because you don’t really need to get on with him. What makes him safe is that he cannot make real decission about me nor turn me down. But because he has not chosen me, he cannot really love me either. Little by little the excitement starts to dry up.

Dreams don’t stand by you, when you’re hit by reality. They don’t give you support nor real affection. While they may give you pleasure, they don’t really give you passion. Especially they are empty in the form of respond, because they are just my imagination. They are not responsive and the interaction with another person is in my eyes one of the treasures of human relationship and the root of true passion.

It does not need to be fireworks nor has it have to be any crazy thing either, but I’d still love to have some electricity in the air – at least a little. I we grown wise enough to understand that fireworks don’t guarantee happiness, but I don’t want it clinical either as it felt like, when I was for short while active in the Internet dating world.

When I was 16 I was already labeled as romantic and I suppose I am, although one that has two feet on the ground. Does it matter then if ones head is occasionally in the clouds? Maybe that is my problem: I want both – feeling comfy and giddy with a guy and it does not happen often. In fact I think I can count only couple of times it has actually worked that way. Other times either quality has been lacking.

Oh, I’ve been in love (and not just once), but it is some years ago now. My biggest romance was hurtful and humiliating and I spent long time licking my wounds. I don’t just blame him, although there was fault in him too, but I mostly blame my self. I was silly and did not know how to put end on it, even when I knew I should have. And after few more or less unfortunate events I really wanted to be on the self for a while. It just felt too frustrating. (This was long story made far too simple, but it is more or less how it felt). Yet I was not totally able to do it.

But for some years now I’ve truly been on the self. I would love to step down from it, but suddenly it is not that easy. The older you get the more difficult it gets. I don’t even know where to start. And in the mean while my friends have found men and some of them have even got married. And even those, who have not are in the stable relationship. There are some singles left, but those who I’ve walked most of the road with me are now taken.

I know I could go to the Internet and make my pick of the bunch of guys (I tried this in the spring), but it just does not work for me. The pictures don’t tell the personality and yet I don’t want to raise expectations by meeting men, I might not like. One of my pen pals had experienced this in first hand and told me that we should meet asap to see if we could click and not to waste time in the potentially meaningless writing. I did not believe it right away, but now I think he was correct (although he lived home, “creeps”).

So I came to conclusion that how romantic it sounds to meet man through pen pals (as one of my colleagues has), it is still not thing for me. I believe in first impressions and reading people and through static photo you don’t get any feeling of them. Even a film would probably not tell much. You just have to be present and view their reflection of you. By just looking photos I’d propably pick all the wrong guys (the good looking,  but not animating). Usually folks are just not that photogenic and in real life they are something more.

He wants you to skip important meeting to be with him. She needs to talk to you in the middle of the night. He wants you to grow longer hair. She is whining every time (and that is not often) you want to spend night out with pals.

One of the clear signs of emotional manipulation, abusive relationships and manipulative personalities is insistence of needing to prove your love. There are all kind of sick tests of love people can be put through. In as normal relationship respect and faithfulness is enough and they don’t need to be tested.

In this unhealthy relationship you’re constantly tested, whether your fill their limitless need of love. Of course you cannot, because your not their parent nor god. These people try to use you to fill up the holes that were left unfilled while they were kids. The saddest cases in the world, hollow and very lonely. Yet they can only be cured, if they admit it is their problem and not others. Instead they blame others for their insecurity and lack of necessary love.

The reasonable test for love is everyday consideration, respect and faithfulness. The true love forgives the failures daily and does not behave like a jobsworth. It does not sacrifice unreasonable nor expect others to sacrifice themselves. Nor does it play martyr, if something goes wrong or it needs to admit its own fault. It is forgiving, forgetting and excusing.

Just an year ago I wrote about not being in a hurry to become mother. Last weekend I found myself panicking about potential menopause. I know it was silly and it probably has not started yet, but my curses were light and I was quite warm (although I wore plenty of clothing) and some how it came to my mind that it might have begun.

It made me check my priorities. It is totally different not to want become mother now – than not to want to become mother ever. Yes I do want to become mother and after last weekends shock: rather sooner than later if possible. I also don’t believe in becoming mother by myself. There are several reasons most important being that I unfashionably believe that children need their father as well their mother and also I don’t somehow believe I could manage it just by myself. I think I need the support of the partner -  the father.

I’ve always consider the adoption and fostering as an option. Suddenly I do want to have at least one of my own. I want to be pregnant and carry my child. I am more and more aware of the fact that there is not that much time, even if my mom got last of us about five years older than I’m now.

Yet I am truly scared of running in trouble by picking a man too fast, as I am afraid my mom did. I know that in the end he loved my dad, but they had serious problems due his lack of consideration. I don’t want to get married with an irresponsible man. I also don’t want just to pick a good man – I want to fall in love with him. I don’t want to do any cold blooded decision. I don’t want to choose a man just as an instrument of getting child.

I filled in a questionnaire on partnership issues. There were some questions that made me think. Both me and my sister have emotional relationship issues – although we have reacted in different ways towards our childhood. 

I wonder what impact does parents union have on our view of relationship. It is in the end what we’ve experienced when we were growing up. We might have seen something of the unions of our uncles and aunts, maybe also of our grandparents and cousins, or we might not, depending how open our family is. Yet there are usually few other role models as people don’t show their true self towards outsiders.

The marriage one has spent longest part is usually the parents union, until your own continues longer. It is the one you have closest look in. It is something one considers the norm. Even if as children we propably don’t understand the deep waters of the union. Yet every other model, however more common in society, is merely something else. We might like to go along with the norm or rebell against it.

It has been studied that people, who’s parents have divorced are more likely to divorce than those who’s parent havent. Daughters of the alcoholic often find themselves married with a bottle. Also violence exposes to further violence as one has not been ablet to build proper guard against it. Yet also good things of the parents marriage might materialise, like the experience of getting over the hard times and respect towards your partner. People are looking for the model of their parents in good and bad.

The other significant role model is the media. Yet it is hardly the best possible model. Just look at the day time soap, where the story is kept up by continuously changing couples and partners - cheating and seduction. It might make us unconciously feel that the life around us is similar. 

Yet people are usually more loyal and their life more boring and ordinary than we expect. The problem is we are not often able to honestly dig in the other peoples unions. Due this we only have vague and often false idea of what is happening inside of them. The sorrows as well as joys of them are usually mystery for us.

So the only model we saw almost honestly and often painfully clearly is our parents union. We know what happened, how it happened and how both parties reacted. Yet even there our view is not impartial : we learned to take sides, whether we wanted or not. Our view of it is not as unemotional and clear as many of us would want to think.

As you might have heard I wrote a profile in a Internet dating page, where you don’t see a picture right away – only after the other one gives you permission. Whit-out seeing a picture and and me writing much more than three paragraphs of my profile, one man told me (repeatedly) that he had fallen in love with my profile.

I wonder whether one can really fall in love with a profile described in few words. I have not been able to. I’ve got interested, I loved to meet some men, but no I have not fallen in love with them, even if I have experience in falling in love with a first sight (almost at least).

I can understand some one falling in love with letters. You learn to know others personality little by little. Yet it takes time. But short piece of text of about ten sentences goes over my head. Yet he says he did. Only I think he has formed in his head a picture of woman he thinks he has fallen in love with, but whether I am that woman or not I am not sure at all. Just meeting me might cure him – or not .

I’ve learned to not to trust fleeting emotions. Yet I have factually fallen in love with a first sight. I fell for a guy I for long time believed to be my soul-mate. We liked similar things and our thinking was parallel. Yet it was not lovely relationship and after it I rather go with less soul deep connection and more genuine caring. I have to admit it was immaturity of both parties that played a big part in this disaster. I was not ready and he was ready to wait for me.

I have to admit that immediately falling in love with my profile and the scares information in it made me wary and felt a bit creepy.

He is a charmer and she is a clinging shadow. You wonder why they are together, especially when you occasional hear her whining for him. He is charming sunny character, always in the center of the scene and for her nothing is ever right. You wonder why does he stand for her. He is fun to be around, always full of pranck and she is powerless little grey mouse in the corner of the room or preferably in the kitchen.

Behind the scene there is another story: he is reckless and leaves her to take care of all practical issues. He seems as dependent on her as she is on him socially. He might cheat her or use excessive amounts of alcohol, and she forgives. She might complain for his carelessness and thoughtlessness and might threaten to leave him and the kids, yet she is never able to.

In the shadows of the secrecy she pegs his attention with manipulative means, because nothing else can get his attention, as he is mostly just interested on him self. She invents symptoms of malady, she makes her self believe or maybe threatens to take her own life or walk out of marriage. And the children, if they have them, are just pawns in their manipulative games.

The Loyal Supporter

It is surprising how this sunny guy is able to get himself in feuds and disputes with others. As long as everything goes as he likes, its fine and his charm is shining, but if anything changes, he starts to get angry and launches his battle. She stands beside him, like virgin of justice seeing no fault in his side. In her yes (as well as in his own) he could do nothing bad. That’s why he stays with her, because she is his only loyal supporter.

He might even abuse the kids either physically, emotionally or even sexually and she just looks on the other direction, because she want to keep up the prince charming image her immature imagination has created of him and that fits him just right. It also fits her, because when he leans on her support, he gives her attention she has yearned and for once she is happy.

This is an union between narcissistic (he) and emotionally unstable (she) personalities, both deeply dependent and manipulative, the union of borderless. Both of them are stuck in the past: She in the period, when child starts to explore the world, but still needs the mothers arms around her; He in the early childhood stage, where the ego is still very fragile. Neither has reached any maturity nor emotional independence. They are deeply dependent. Occasional the pop-psychology has used the term of co-dependence (of usually female side)  of this kind of phenomena.

The word “No” is taboo in their union – he doesn’t want to hear it and she doesn’t want to say it.

There is just this one wish I have for man who ever is going to propose me. I don’t mind how he does it (but might have notice that my taste is not for romantic cliches…) but please would you not propose me at Valentines. It is so old and corny.

My parents got engages at Valentines day in fact. The Valentines day at that time was not really known in my country and my father must have picked up the idea in Germany, where he had lived and worked as an engineer for couple of years (yes my family is kind of a travelling one).

One can see there was a novelty factor there, because as I said the day and its celebration was not well known yet and it was something fresh still. Today it is different even here. I would much prefer 2.2 (February second) for example or new years eve or midsummer or preferably any other day in calender – even if it would not have any great meaning, but I wish he would skip the Valentines.

Yet this might not be very important posting as I am likely never to be proposed. It just came to my mind in the after Valentine feeling.  Maybe I need to try my luck at some leap day some year (not this year tough because I would not know who to propose). At least I can get new gloves or dress cloth (depends on tradition which one).