Yes, I have been away for long time. I got tired of the blog and felt I had nothing to say to you. The pause have  helped me to collect my vits and I hope I have more to tell you in near future. This Year has so far offered its ups and downs – and even adventures.

Most of the second half of 2008 my life evolve around work (a lot of new and stressful things), my mother (who I’ve been worried about) and my god daughter, who will soon be half year old. I have to admit I am besotted. She is a little darling.

On top of all that the apartment building my friend is living in had a quite serious fire and she was evaquated and stayed away some days. I help her to drag back her mattress (in a tram) and that was quite funny. Some good moments after a moment of terror. The fire made me think also, how fragile the life really is and how we cannot know, when it is going to end.

There has not been much time to think about men or about being single. In fact I am a bit tired of this topic right now. My head is empty, which you may have noticed in this blog. I am sorry, but I really did not have much to say about anything related to men or relationships. I hope I would have, but I really did not.

Well there was an office christmas party and I was told I was dressed prettiy – by some of my female colleques. And I met an old (male) friend of mine, who I like a lot, and who is married and has a baby. Long time not seen and such. So no romance in the air, at all.

Somebody asked me this question in this blog for a while ago.

I don’t think it is a question of need. I can do without a mate. I might feel more satisfied with a family, but I am rather happy with my life as it is. In fact relationships (with men) usually make me feel frustrated and uncomfortable.

 It is more like I want one. I want a man to share my life with and I preferably also family. I’d love to have some one waiting me to come home after work and share my lonely nights with. I’ve always been a bit maternal type and I’ve wanted kids the last 15 years.

Yes, I feel like time is running out, but it is more because of my ability to count, than because my friends are already married. Most of them are not. In fact only one of my good friends is and another one is going to go next summer. My sister is not and propably will never be, because she does not want same things from her life. My mother has never been hinting on this.

If I were a beginning, I would be… the first giggle
If I were a month, I would be… May
If I were a time of day, I would be… evening

If I were a planet, I would be…. Neptune
If I were a season, I would be… spring
If I were a sea animal, I would be… sea turtle
If I were a direction, I would be… behind
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be… divan
If I were a sin, I would be… laziness

If I were a liquid, I would be… milk
If I were a scare, I would be…. birds
If I were a gem, I would be…. jade
If I were a flower/plant, I would be… oak tree or poppy
If I were a kind of weather, I would be… summer rain
If I were a musical instrument, I would be… wooden flute

If I were an animal, I would be… cat
If I were an emotion, I would be… longing
If I were a vegetable, I would be… aubergine
If I were a sound, I would be…. whistle
If I were an element, I would be… earth
If I were a car, I would be… VW 1302 Si (also known as beetle)

If I were a food, I would be…. curry
If I were a place, I would be… small town
If I were a material, I would be… wood
If I were a taste, I would be…. lemon
If I were a scent, I would be…. vanilla
If I were a religion, I would be… wicca

If I were a sentence, I would be… far too long.
If I were a facial expression, I would be…. almost smile.
If I were a subject in school, I would be… geography.
If I were a colour, I would be… sky-blue.
If I were a thing, I would be…. pen

If I were a book, I would be… thousand and one nights
If I were an artist, I would be… writer
If I were a landmass, I would be… volcanic island
If I was a watch, I would be… hourglass
If I were God, I would be… Pallas Athene
If I were a vowel, I would be… A

If I were a theory, I would be… light
If I were a famous person, I would be… Jane Austen
If I were an item of electronic equipment, I would be… handheld electronic game
If I were a sport, I would be… football (European) alias Soccer
If I were a movie, I would be… Le Fabuleux Destin d’Amélie Poulain
If I were a cartoon, I would be… Calvin and Hobbes

If I were an explorer, I would be… Marco Polo
If I were a scientist, I would be… biochemist
If I were a relation, I would be… grandmother
If I were a river, I would be… Nile
If I was intoxication, I would be… arsenic
If I were alone, I would be… scared

If I were a question, I would be… How?
If I were a habit, I would be… spinning hair
If I were in an atom, I would be… copper
If I were you, I would be… different

What would you be?

I don’t love my work, but being sick and not able to do anything else than read and watch TV. I’ve had had fever for 6 days. I am so bored and sleepy. I feel being stuck. I had two days off last week and was sick both days. Yuck! Now I sound like I’d be 10 or maybe younger.

I suppose I used to be seldomly sick when I was young and I’ve not learned to enjoy the experience. I don’t even have that much fever – only just so much that I barely have it. That is the worst thing, I think. I hope my feever is off today – I seemed like that in the morning.

When I was in my twenties I would have not even considered dating some one over five years older than me. But when you get older, the prospects get less good and you suddenly start to see around older, rather exiting men. Occasionally you look around and most men of my age are either not interested or not interesting and then you start looking towards older men.

Occasionally men make younger impression they actually are, because of their energetic nature and it takes time to find their true age. Then there are men like Robert Redford, who until recently made me think the idea of older men not being actually that bad. If I’d need to choose between interesting guy about my age and one seriously older, I’d probably choose the one of my own age, but unfortunately my potential choices are usually not that good.

It is not easy. If one use at least little brains and has at least moderate mathematical skills, one can soon count. When I am 50, he is 70, help. I know it’ll take 20 years to reach there, but hey I am a planner: the day will finally arrive. I might need to nurse my mother, but I’ve never been planning to nurse my husband, when I am in my 50s (so I would not necessary need to if he is only in his 70s, but the likelihood is much higher than with the hubby in his 50s).

I have also never planned to become a young widow, which might also become reality as the average male don’t necessary live over 80 years age. The old age companion is one of my wishes. I have heard that there are much more women in the old-age home than men.

There is the question of being in the different phases of the life as well. If guy has already reached his late 40s without any significant relationship, he might be one of those eternal bachelors. On the other hand, if his been there and seen that, he might not be interested anymore. And if there are kids almost of your age they might feel uneasy about your relationship. He might also be the eternal bachelor (like George Clooney) and even then he would not be in same phase than you are. You might wish to change him with love, but we have all seen how well it usually succeeds.

In the question of children, there is new problem. Apparently oldern men are both less fertile than younger one, but also less likely to produce healthy babies. In fact it seems that over fifty year old dads are much more lickely to produce descendants that will one day suffer from bipolar disorder than younger dads. So not only might they not be interested in kids, they might also not be good for them either.

Yet there are the benefits of mans age. I might sound much too critical in here. He might be wiser, less critical (of my looks), more understanding on women (experience) and better established (no need to make career so ferwently and more time for hsi family). His expectations for the relationship would propably be more down to earth.

In my case the question was not totally academic one. I had a crush. Maybe I sometimes think about my love life too much with my brains. Yet this time also my guts said it would not work. So I showed him a cold shoulder. (Yet part of me wonders, if I’ll be sorry for this as an old spinster! – or  maybe not.) The end!

I always blamed myself for killing the blooming romance. There have always been easier women around and usually the men around me have not been up to challange I present. I wonder if it has been partly due their own immaturity as well as mine. When they’ve started to date someone else and I’ve relaxed around them, they’ve suddenly became interested again. For me that is no-no situation.

When it happened again already years ago, I was immature and did not know how to act. I’ve always believed that women should support each other and not to steal each others boyfriends. So I did not encourage him, but I considered him as my soul mate, so I could not bring myself to really discourage him either, which I now know I should have done. He truly seemed like perfect for me as we had identical interests much unlike his girlfriend. I also knew he had been smitten with me just half a year earlier before they started to date. Yet it was impossible to me to brake their relationship.

If I had known, what I know now, I would have turned him down immediately. There is no point of waiting some one to leave their girl friend first, at least not if they are so insecure as he was. I let myself to be treated badly and it was not wonderful situation for his girlfriend either.

The next time I shyed from a guy there was frankly not enough time to process the situation, before I left for Italy. We saw again in the summer, but I left again and when I came back he was dating.  This time I had already learned my lesson.  When he got smitten again and I clearly turned him down, he became angry. He had more intense charachter than the first one had had. He might have even left his girlfriend, if I’d given clearer sign for him.

At that time my moral collar was up and I did not want to give him any engouragement what so ever. I don’t know what I’d do now. Would I be wiser? Fortunately I’ve not really been in the similar situation after that. I’ve learned that men in relationships are no-no even if the situation is about warming up the old romance. One should not dream of them leaving their girl friends for you.  Even if I’ve newer been partner in crime in physical cheating, I’ve still felt myself somewhat dirty, because these guys have lusted after me.

It is revealing to see old photos. After decades one can watch them almost as an outsider, while it is otherwise impossible to dive in the past as it was. You only know it through your emotional memories. The photos are revealing a frozen past.

Just few days ago my mother and aunt were looking for a photo for my cousin of my granny’s house. At the same time she flipped through a lot of photos where I was as well. I have heard that in some therapies they use photos to raise feelings and make people look their past differently. Photos may reveal things of our past relationships we are not consciously aware of.

In my childhood I was rather bookish and not among “the bold and beautiful”. I red a lot and was often deep in the imaginary world they draw. Somehow I thought I looked like a grey mouse too. I was told in my teens by a handsome boy that I was ugly. It left an awkward notion of my self. I wonder how much it has affected to my self image. In certain age being normal is so precious, like Astrid Lingren said with the mouth of Britt-Marie, her teenage girl heroine. She said that is nice to have particular beauty, but it is less nice to have particularly ugly mole in your nose. I often felt I did not belong.

When I was watching the old photos, I wondered why I had not seen what they could tell me before. Those photos revealed a young girl, who was rather pretty, slim and above all very normal. There has been people, who have told me that I am normal, but I’ve had hard time believing.  When I saw those photos now I was surprised what l saw. Even if the girl in the photos was not a great beauty, I felt sorry I did not understand this already years ago. It could have made me understand a lot of things.

I think it was Danish Philosopher Søren Kierkegaard, who said that although we understand the life backwards, we must live it forward. The revealing moments of truth crash over the reality occasionally, but always what seems too late. It is like remembering that you forgot your keys home, just after the door was locked. One cannot change the situation any more, but one can only hope to have learned the lesson.

My problem with men has been a special kind of shyness or social fear. I am afraid of sexual chemistry and behind it are my bad experiences. I know it makes me difficult to interpret, because I am not otherwise excessively shy. It often happens that men I am not interested in find me easier to approach than those that I find fascinating. It usually take time to trust and feel comfortable around them, but most men are not that patient and I can understand them.

It is hard to interpret a person, who is hiding behind the mask. Freezing of fear maybe interpreted as a turn down. I can understand this and I may even try to control my behaviour and smile more, but in the situation that I feel afraid and unsure, I am not totally in control of my reactions. The situation is hard to explain especially, if one is not sure about other persons feelings. Smile is much easier approach than telling other person that you are afraid to show them your feelings.

 (Sorry If the next part is repetitive, but I am still going through this issue).

The insecurity and fear raises partly from low self-esteem. When I am unsure of my personal attractiveness, it is hard to interpret male attention. Partly there is history of under age sexual harassment or even abuse and also repeated harassment in the adult age. The first time I was under school age and it was mild form of physical and more serious verbal abuse performed by older boy that had probably been subjected to some abuse himself. The second time I was in teens and it was group of older boys harassing me in the form of sexual propositions and comments of me.

The third time was really a sexual bullying by men of a group I had trusted and other men in responsibility I had trust even more talked it down, when I tried to explain the situation.  One of them made silly excuses and other one tried to pressure me to forgive and forget without getting any apology. Later I got out of one of the bullies that he had believed he had right to “educate” me, because he felt I was too straight-laced. The only comfort is that I was partly able to show him his error of judgement, although I did not trust him enough to open up totally.  Yet the situation made me feel like no man could be trusted and that put me totally off the men for a while.

I am not looking for a light-hearted relationship. Some times I hope that I would be, because it might be easier. I would not need to afraid that I am giving some sign of being easy woman and not to be taken seriously. I am also afraid that men could make fun of my feelings. It maybe due the fact that people (not only men) have made fun of my feelings before. It does not make the situation any easier. I am also afraid that if the man gets to know me better, he might get disappointed and abandon me. I am afraid of not being worthy of love, which can be probably trased back to my parents behaviour. Yet I am as much afraid of my own feelings as of the man I am interested in. I am afraid to become heart broken, while I know it is normal part of human life. Very few of us are lucky enough to be always happy.

I may sound pretty analytic right now, but right in the situation I am not able to tract the roots of my feelings. I am just feeling strange panic. I feel my learning curve of handling the situations, where I am strangely afraid, isn’t fast enough. The older I get, more difficult it seems to meet men I would really be interested in and less practice I will get. I feel stuck.

It may sound funny, but I truly think that I should dream less and live in reality little more. The idea came to me, when I was thinking of a man I know and like. Always before I’ve let my dreams run wild: designing the family and kids, thinking up the weddings. And sometimes I have had difficulty to separate my dreams from reality.

I have well developed imagination. In my head I write stories to please myself. They rarely come out in the reality. Sometimes they can be productive, while they make me want to know about issues and understand things. Often they are counter productive, because I spend my time in thinking and not putting things in action. The funny thing is that I often act before I think and things I think I rarely put on action. Maybe I am afraid that reality would not be as perfect as the dreams can be.

In case of relationship this usually means loosing the touch.  I wonder if the daydreams are really my escapade from my fears relating relationships and I have plenty of those. Daydreams are safe, while the reality can broke your heart.  Yet they make me passive. That I’ve never been good in feminine wiles, makes situation worst. I’ve never needed those wiles to get attention and I’ve always felt them to be somewhat dishonest, but maybe that is part of the problem: I don’t know how to connect.

So while I daydream, the relationship that was in the bud starts to dry up. I end up noticing that only thing I have left are my dreams. I’ve jumped ahead before anything really happens and I stand there with only empty dreams. Instead of being more cautious in my head and seeing were it might be leading. I feel heartbroken  whit out a reason. My problems raise partly from the fear of passionate relationship and that fear is I think the root of my dreaming, because the dreams are safe. 

Yet the older I got more I’ve realised that however safe the daydreams are, in the end they are just that – only dreams. The man of the dreams is never a real person. He is just mirrow of my own hopes and dreams. He lacks his own personality and his own will. He acts as I’d hope him to act. In other words he is just puppet of my imagination, who looks like the person I am interested in. He is boneless, fleshless and cold.

Dream man is easier to get along than a real person only because you don’t really need to get on with him. What makes him safe is that he cannot make real decission about me nor turn me down. But because he has not chosen me, he cannot really love me either. Little by little the excitement starts to dry up.

Dreams don’t stand by you, when you’re hit by reality. They don’t give you support nor real affection. While they may give you pleasure, they don’t really give you passion. Especially they are empty in the form of respond, because they are just my imagination. They are not responsive and the interaction with another person is in my eyes one of the treasures of human relationship and the root of true passion.