Somebody asked me this question in this blog for a while ago.

I don’t think it is a question of need. I can do without a mate. I might feel more satisfied with a family, but I am rather happy with my life as it is. In fact relationships (with men) usually make me feel frustrated and uncomfortable.

 It is more like I want one. I want a man to share my life with and I preferably also family. I’d love to have some one waiting me to come home after work and share my lonely nights with. I’ve always been a bit maternal type and I’ve wanted kids the last 15 years.

Yes, I feel like time is running out, but it is more because of my ability to count, than because my friends are already married. Most of them are not. In fact only one of my good friends is and another one is going to go next summer. My sister is not and propably will never be, because she does not want same things from her life. My mother has never been hinting on this.

Yesterday I was standing in the line checkout line behind two young men of about 20 years of age. Other one started to talk about his “future ex-wife” and noted that he did not intend to be married forever. He did not seem like a hard person as in fact he was quite polite towards me.

I have to admit that I found this comment slightly shocking. Is this something that has always been part of the male thinking or is something in our society making young people to think so cynically. How much changes does a relationship have, if you enter in it thinking you don’t want it to last? Is it only way to protect one self?

Before people used to just live together so they did not get stacked in boring marriages. I wonder if the trend has changed and young people are getting married more, but not intend it to be forever. Is it because divorce has become so common or because people are looking for variety. Maybe marriages are entered more light hearted than before.

Destined to Divorce?

Often when one compares the divorces with new marriages, one can get gloomy. About half of the marriages end up in divorce. What statistics don’t often tell us, is that most people never split. There are certain people that repeatedly marry and divorce, and they distort the statistics for the others. At the same time there are a lot of those, who stay with the same partner after they have once gotten married. How do they make it happen?

The changes in the marriage are better, if you’re mature enough. The risk of divorce decreases with 1/4,  if the both partners are at least 25 years, when entering the marriage. Resent studies of brains have shown that human brains continue to mature until the age of 25. It might not be coincidence, I think. So maybe the comment is more due the maturity of the person and less due to any real change in the deeper values and attitudes of the society.

Risk factors of the marriage are baby less than seven months after marriage (1/4) and that the parents were divorced (1/6). On the other hand good income, college education and going to the church together as the family reduce the risk of divorce slightly. Yet I would not recommend anybody to start going to the church because of their marriage. Instead one could think how the shared family values help to fight for the relationship. Still you should not think that religion itself could save your marriage. That thought itself could ruin it as some statistics show.

Even a high school level of education reduces the risk. It is also better to try to work for your first marriage than start looking for a new one, because second marriage are even more likely to end. You could protect your marriage by entering a premarital education class (reduces risk 1/3), create fair share of chores and invest in your communication skills.

Divorce rates also wary a lot from country to another. The highest divorce rates in the Europe are in UK and Russia, both well below the US rates (about 2/3), free minded Scandinavians reach in about 1/2 of the North American rate and South Europeans are between 1/6-1/10 of that rate. So one should not arrange funerals for the marriage yet.  What is more important is that divorce rates have been slowly dropping in most western countries for years. For example in US the peak of the divorces was already in 1981.

Why Marriage?

Why am I defending marriage? There are a lot of scientific studies to show the benefits of the marriages. Happy marriage is good for ones health and especially for the health of children. Marriage has the ability of making us happier than singleness. Especially it protects the future of our children.

 All these sensible reasons aside, what can a hopeless romantic to do?

When I was in my twenties I would have not even considered dating some one over five years older than me. But when you get older, the prospects get less good and you suddenly start to see around older, rather exiting men. Occasionally you look around and most men of my age are either not interested or not interesting and then you start looking towards older men.

Occasionally men make younger impression they actually are, because of their energetic nature and it takes time to find their true age. Then there are men like Robert Redford, who until recently made me think the idea of older men not being actually that bad. If I’d need to choose between interesting guy about my age and one seriously older, I’d probably choose the one of my own age, but unfortunately my potential choices are usually not that good.

It is not easy. If one use at least little brains and has at least moderate mathematical skills, one can soon count. When I am 50, he is 70, help. I know it’ll take 20 years to reach there, but hey I am a planner: the day will finally arrive. I might need to nurse my mother, but I’ve never been planning to nurse my husband, when I am in my 50s (so I would not necessary need to if he is only in his 70s, but the likelihood is much higher than with the hubby in his 50s).

I have also never planned to become a young widow, which might also become reality as the average male don’t necessary live over 80 years age. The old age companion is one of my wishes. I have heard that there are much more women in the old-age home than men.

There is the question of being in the different phases of the life as well. If guy has already reached his late 40s without any significant relationship, he might be one of those eternal bachelors. On the other hand, if his been there and seen that, he might not be interested anymore. And if there are kids almost of your age they might feel uneasy about your relationship. He might also be the eternal bachelor (like George Clooney) and even then he would not be in same phase than you are. You might wish to change him with love, but we have all seen how well it usually succeeds.

In the question of children, there is new problem. Apparently oldern men are both less fertile than younger one, but also less likely to produce healthy babies. In fact it seems that over fifty year old dads are much more lickely to produce descendants that will one day suffer from bipolar disorder than younger dads. So not only might they not be interested in kids, they might also not be good for them either.

Yet there are the benefits of mans age. I might sound much too critical in here. He might be wiser, less critical (of my looks), more understanding on women (experience) and better established (no need to make career so ferwently and more time for hsi family). His expectations for the relationship would propably be more down to earth.

In my case the question was not totally academic one. I had a crush. Maybe I sometimes think about my love life too much with my brains. Yet this time also my guts said it would not work. So I showed him a cold shoulder. (Yet part of me wonders, if I’ll be sorry for this as an old spinster! – or  maybe not.) The end!

I always blamed myself for killing the blooming romance. There have always been easier women around and usually the men around me have not been up to challange I present. I wonder if it has been partly due their own immaturity as well as mine. When they’ve started to date someone else and I’ve relaxed around them, they’ve suddenly became interested again. For me that is no-no situation.

When it happened again already years ago, I was immature and did not know how to act. I’ve always believed that women should support each other and not to steal each others boyfriends. So I did not encourage him, but I considered him as my soul mate, so I could not bring myself to really discourage him either, which I now know I should have done. He truly seemed like perfect for me as we had identical interests much unlike his girlfriend. I also knew he had been smitten with me just half a year earlier before they started to date. Yet it was impossible to me to brake their relationship.

If I had known, what I know now, I would have turned him down immediately. There is no point of waiting some one to leave their girl friend first, at least not if they are so insecure as he was. I let myself to be treated badly and it was not wonderful situation for his girlfriend either.

The next time I shyed from a guy there was frankly not enough time to process the situation, before I left for Italy. We saw again in the summer, but I left again and when I came back he was dating.  This time I had already learned my lesson.  When he got smitten again and I clearly turned him down, he became angry. He had more intense charachter than the first one had had. He might have even left his girlfriend, if I’d given clearer sign for him.

At that time my moral collar was up and I did not want to give him any engouragement what so ever. I don’t know what I’d do now. Would I be wiser? Fortunately I’ve not really been in the similar situation after that. I’ve learned that men in relationships are no-no even if the situation is about warming up the old romance. One should not dream of them leaving their girl friends for you.  Even if I’ve newer been partner in crime in physical cheating, I’ve still felt myself somewhat dirty, because these guys have lusted after me.

My problem with men has been a special kind of shyness or social fear. I am afraid of sexual chemistry and behind it are my bad experiences. I know it makes me difficult to interpret, because I am not otherwise excessively shy. It often happens that men I am not interested in find me easier to approach than those that I find fascinating. It usually take time to trust and feel comfortable around them, but most men are not that patient and I can understand them.

It is hard to interpret a person, who is hiding behind the mask. Freezing of fear maybe interpreted as a turn down. I can understand this and I may even try to control my behaviour and smile more, but in the situation that I feel afraid and unsure, I am not totally in control of my reactions. The situation is hard to explain especially, if one is not sure about other persons feelings. Smile is much easier approach than telling other person that you are afraid to show them your feelings.

 (Sorry If the next part is repetitive, but I am still going through this issue).

The insecurity and fear raises partly from low self-esteem. When I am unsure of my personal attractiveness, it is hard to interpret male attention. Partly there is history of under age sexual harassment or even abuse and also repeated harassment in the adult age. The first time I was under school age and it was mild form of physical and more serious verbal abuse performed by older boy that had probably been subjected to some abuse himself. The second time I was in teens and it was group of older boys harassing me in the form of sexual propositions and comments of me.

The third time was really a sexual bullying by men of a group I had trusted and other men in responsibility I had trust even more talked it down, when I tried to explain the situation.  One of them made silly excuses and other one tried to pressure me to forgive and forget without getting any apology. Later I got out of one of the bullies that he had believed he had right to “educate” me, because he felt I was too straight-laced. The only comfort is that I was partly able to show him his error of judgement, although I did not trust him enough to open up totally.  Yet the situation made me feel like no man could be trusted and that put me totally off the men for a while.

I am not looking for a light-hearted relationship. Some times I hope that I would be, because it might be easier. I would not need to afraid that I am giving some sign of being easy woman and not to be taken seriously. I am also afraid that men could make fun of my feelings. It maybe due the fact that people (not only men) have made fun of my feelings before. It does not make the situation any easier. I am also afraid that if the man gets to know me better, he might get disappointed and abandon me. I am afraid of not being worthy of love, which can be probably trased back to my parents behaviour. Yet I am as much afraid of my own feelings as of the man I am interested in. I am afraid to become heart broken, while I know it is normal part of human life. Very few of us are lucky enough to be always happy.

I may sound pretty analytic right now, but right in the situation I am not able to tract the roots of my feelings. I am just feeling strange panic. I feel my learning curve of handling the situations, where I am strangely afraid, isn’t fast enough. The older I get, more difficult it seems to meet men I would really be interested in and less practice I will get. I feel stuck.

It may sound funny, but I truly think that I should dream less and live in reality little more. The idea came to me, when I was thinking of a man I know and like. Always before I’ve let my dreams run wild: designing the family and kids, thinking up the weddings. And sometimes I have had difficulty to separate my dreams from reality.

I have well developed imagination. In my head I write stories to please myself. They rarely come out in the reality. Sometimes they can be productive, while they make me want to know about issues and understand things. Often they are counter productive, because I spend my time in thinking and not putting things in action. The funny thing is that I often act before I think and things I think I rarely put on action. Maybe I am afraid that reality would not be as perfect as the dreams can be.

In case of relationship this usually means loosing the touch.  I wonder if the daydreams are really my escapade from my fears relating relationships and I have plenty of those. Daydreams are safe, while the reality can broke your heart.  Yet they make me passive. That I’ve never been good in feminine wiles, makes situation worst. I’ve never needed those wiles to get attention and I’ve always felt them to be somewhat dishonest, but maybe that is part of the problem: I don’t know how to connect.

So while I daydream, the relationship that was in the bud starts to dry up. I end up noticing that only thing I have left are my dreams. I’ve jumped ahead before anything really happens and I stand there with only empty dreams. Instead of being more cautious in my head and seeing were it might be leading. I feel heartbroken  whit out a reason. My problems raise partly from the fear of passionate relationship and that fear is I think the root of my dreaming, because the dreams are safe. 

Yet the older I got more I’ve realised that however safe the daydreams are, in the end they are just that – only dreams. The man of the dreams is never a real person. He is just mirrow of my own hopes and dreams. He lacks his own personality and his own will. He acts as I’d hope him to act. In other words he is just puppet of my imagination, who looks like the person I am interested in. He is boneless, fleshless and cold.

Dream man is easier to get along than a real person only because you don’t really need to get on with him. What makes him safe is that he cannot make real decission about me nor turn me down. But because he has not chosen me, he cannot really love me either. Little by little the excitement starts to dry up.

Dreams don’t stand by you, when you’re hit by reality. They don’t give you support nor real affection. While they may give you pleasure, they don’t really give you passion. Especially they are empty in the form of respond, because they are just my imagination. They are not responsive and the interaction with another person is in my eyes one of the treasures of human relationship and the root of true passion.

I am unofficially a God mother (- it will be official only after the babtism of course). The baby girl was born couple of weeks ago and after it we had a slight worry with her blood sugar levels, but now everything is fine. I am happy for them and part of me wants to throw a party and another part of me wants to pamper her to rots.

I was almost sure it was a boy, before it was born. Earlier during the pregnancy I was thinking it was a girl – I just had a feeling, but later I had almost convinced myself it would be a boy as its daddy thought it would be. I had almost bought a skull & bones pacifier (for a joke) cause I knew its daddy had asked for skull cloth nappies. But it was born to be a most beautiful little girl possible.

One of my collegues commented on me that somehting happens on the brains of women, when they see babies. I don’t know if that is true for them all, but for me it is I suppose. I am over the moon – and it is not even my niece nor my own daughter. The whole summer I we been feeling like there is some kind of population rush as it seems that every third woman you see (of fertile age) are pregnant. I was thinking I was little nutty, before I red an article that the maternity wards are in trouble as there are so many babies expected in the best holiday season. Everybody is working overtime.

And no wonder – just couple of years ago my cousine gave birth to her second about this time and now my friend too. Yet both of them was not so much planned as my cousine and her hubbie had given up the hope for another. And my friend and her hubbie had decided that one could come when it would come. They had counted that as neither of them is very young anymore, the baby might take some time. I just red about this few weeks ago as the researchers have found out that also male fertility slumps after they turn to 40s. So its not only women, who should get the babies early enough but also men should not leave it too late.

I’d love to get a baby of my own, but I just don’t think I am ready yet – and I don’t have that much time anymore.

It does not need to be fireworks nor has it have to be any crazy thing either, but I’d still love to have some electricity in the air – at least a little. I we grown wise enough to understand that fireworks don’t guarantee happiness, but I don’t want it clinical either as it felt like, when I was for short while active in the Internet dating world.

When I was 16 I was already labeled as romantic and I suppose I am, although one that has two feet on the ground. Does it matter then if ones head is occasionally in the clouds? Maybe that is my problem: I want both – feeling comfy and giddy with a guy and it does not happen often. In fact I think I can count only couple of times it has actually worked that way. Other times either quality has been lacking.

Oh, I’ve been in love (and not just once), but it is some years ago now. My biggest romance was hurtful and humiliating and I spent long time licking my wounds. I don’t just blame him, although there was fault in him too, but I mostly blame my self. I was silly and did not know how to put end on it, even when I knew I should have. And after few more or less unfortunate events I really wanted to be on the self for a while. It just felt too frustrating. (This was long story made far too simple, but it is more or less how it felt). Yet I was not totally able to do it.

But for some years now I’ve truly been on the self. I would love to step down from it, but suddenly it is not that easy. The older you get the more difficult it gets. I don’t even know where to start. And in the mean while my friends have found men and some of them have even got married. And even those, who have not are in the stable relationship. There are some singles left, but those who I’ve walked most of the road with me are now taken.

I know I could go to the Internet and make my pick of the bunch of guys (I tried this in the spring), but it just does not work for me. The pictures don’t tell the personality and yet I don’t want to raise expectations by meeting men, I might not like. One of my pen pals had experienced this in first hand and told me that we should meet asap to see if we could click and not to waste time in the potentially meaningless writing. I did not believe it right away, but now I think he was correct (although he lived home, “creeps”).

So I came to conclusion that how romantic it sounds to meet man through pen pals (as one of my colleagues has), it is still not thing for me. I believe in first impressions and reading people and through static photo you don’t get any feeling of them. Even a film would probably not tell much. You just have to be present and view their reflection of you. By just looking photos I’d propably pick all the wrong guys (the good looking,  but not animating). Usually folks are just not that photogenic and in real life they are something more.

Now there are men that don’t seem to be able to stay loyal to their women. You may guess what I am talking about: Jude Law. He is cute and so unreliable. What is it in women, that makes them believe they can be the ones to reform the rakes. He has already that long reputation of being a gambler.

Just like Alfie

After making the movie Alfie during the divorce process he has behaved like his character in that film. Sure he is cute and charming and unbelievably sexy, but is it enough excuse to let him break your heart. In this case Kimberly Stewart had no right to act surprised after his history with Sienna Miller. And if 35-years old guy is dating 20 year old, he is not planning of getting serious in the near future either. In fact it seems to me that Mr. Law has tried family life and got enough of steady girl friends and wives, even if he is a loving father for sure.

Although they say that reformed rakes make best husbands, the truth is that once a cheater always a cheater. So if one knows that a man has a reputation of being a cheater, one is playing with fire. And while most of us don’t even dream of dating movie stars, we can learn something from this incident ourselves and look serious before we start playing with fire with more ordinary players of our own lives. If woman starts to date a guy like this, he is asking to be hurt – no matter what he would tell her.

Read More: Rod Stewart furious at Jude Law(undercover.com.au)

Oh, and watch Alfie – it makes you understand…

While I feel like nothing has happened, during the time I was away from here, there has been those moments. First I’ve heard that I’ll be godmother. He/She should born one of these days. I like children and while not having any of my own godchild is a good substitute. I have felt little left out in fact, because many of my friends have had plenty of godkids. This is my first. Although one old friend (long time not seen) told me that she could have written the same story: for years no godchildren and then in the few years several. I wonder…

In June I was in my summer holiday. I visited Italy - went to the Gulf of Naples, in to the green island of Ischia. I travelled alone and some of my compatriot young women asked, how do I dare to travel alone to Italy. Now Italy I’ve never considered a problem – or at least not after my first visit. I can handle Italian men alright. Anyway I was pretty much left alone. Only one day I was wearing skirt and was asked for a ride, which I politely and smilingly denied. (Have to admit that it made my day. )

My friends have bought a house I visited in the end of my holiday. They moved away from the big city – mostly due the work, but at the same time were able to upgrade their living standards from small flat to own, although slightly older house. It was nice. I started to think about the possibility to remove me from the big city and moving to a cheaper and smaller town. Yes I am getting old.

There was even questionably romantic moment after I came back from my holiday. One evening after work I met an old acquaintance and we spoke couple of hours, while standing on the pavement and it was even slightly raining and we needed to move under the cover. It was nice, but afterwards I did not know what to make about it. He seemed keen to talk to me though. He asked me to spend time whit their group of people and I’ve intended to, but while it is already couple of weeks ago, I’ve not managed. Maybe I am so inefficient, because I am slightly baffled what to make about it. I wonder if I should not try make anything about it before I see it through.

This was again me-me-me post, most of you might not be at all interested. I just wrote it to update those friends I’ve made through the blogging world and who might have wondered what happened to me. One last thing: I am finally finished with this job (mentally – because it is permanent) and ready to find new one. I know I don’t want to jump for first (and maybe worst) possibility, so I am looking for a long process. But I feel it is necessary.