It all started, when I red from the Dr. Phil’s page that men are biologically destined to be selfish. Men often complain about women being greedy, but the real life studies shows that men use more money to their own convenience (like nice gadgets), while women usually invest towards home and family. Women also do most of the house work (the so called men’s jobs do take usually quite a little time in average).

Females just invest more for their families than men do and I’ve always consider this is due the up bringing. I was taught to sweet, pleasing and caring.

Some men consider that because they work and wife stays at home (investing her time and career for taking care of his kids), she should live with what he gives. Yet I’ve always considered this being learned attitude.

Now some one comes and tells me that this is a biological fact and they can not (and if you read between the lines: should not) change. Than made me angry.

The anger is rooted in my past, I know. I always felt cheap in my childhood, when my dad vetoed on his bringing money to the family as a reason, why we had to do as he pleased. I’ve always wanted to find a guy to whom money mattered less. This made me afraid I could not…

Suddenly after writing this I don’t feel cranky no more, as I know what it was about. Some times it is good to dig a little.

Stereotypical woman eats like a bird and has a birds mind. She is sweet and innocent, small, short and young. She fits in a man’s pocket. Many men are still looking for this kind of woman to puff up their fragile masculinity. Yet not many are ready to admit it. The fault must be woman’s, if she doesn’t fit in the stereotype.

“It’s not just money – men are accustomed to, and more comfortable with being the bigger, more established person. Most prefer to be with women who are shorter, lighter weight, younger, with equal or lesser levels of education and income.”
- Susie, PHD -

Women, who don’t fit in are often treated as if they were short of she-men or sexless or even worst: lesbians. They are of course not fit to be mothers or wives. The worst is that men could actually loose for them in a logical combat. They are claimed to want to wear the pants in the relationship. Yet most of us just want to be our selves, not needing to play some strange role for men’s sake.

I am tall and intelligent. Yet I am not very career- or money-oriented. I like children, but I am not domestic. As for my work I am more or less satisfied whit my salary, as I don’t need more, but not whit my work content. I’d love to find more creative job and I would not mind working from home 2-3 days per week. Truth to be told – I’d love that. I don’t smoke nor drink excessively and I am quite modest in my relationships. I am pretty enough, although not high maintenance – that is fashionable, very thin and all made up. Still some men’s first impressions seem to be “scary”.

Intelligence is part of what I am. Sometimes I get excited on talking about issues. If this is something that hurts male ego, it is surely not my fault, nor is me being tall. I did not ask for it. My granny was tall and so were her brothers.

At the same time than men claim they are not intimidated by intelligent, educated and well-off women, they write this kind of comments:

I find intelligence extremely attractive unless the woman flaunts that intelligence at the expense of everyone (including me) around her. In my personal opinion and experience, smart women tend to make sure everyone around them knows they are smart. And to me, that’s very unattractive.

5′6 is the upper limit for females. 5′7″ is really really stretching it, but okay if she’s super hot. Anything taller than that is a “she-man”.

They absolutely ARE bitches … and they’re alone and successful in the corporate world (without a man) because they’re either intolerable to live with, are having sex with every man above them on the corporate ladder, or they’re lesbians …

As few sharp males of the species but it:

Intelligence and achievements can come off as bragging regardless of your intent or wording, especially if the other person is jealous of what you have or has low self-confidence. That goes for men and women.

I don’t think it’s intelligence that’s a turn-off for so many men, exactly. It’s more that women aren’t “allowed” to be opinionated. It’s what some have termed the “bitch syndrome”; if a man does it he’s strong and assertive, but if a woman does it she’s a bitch. That’s not my belief, you understand, as my highly intelligent wife could attest, but it’s most definitely out there.

Here, I’d like to address what I observe. I do notice that a lot of men tend to discount the opinions of women. I tend to surround myself with women who are intelligent, politically aware, and articulate. I have often noticed in public places (I’m one of those sorts who will respond to overheard discussions in bars and restaurants, if I feel people are getting away with questionable opinions) that people will engage me in converstion on various issues, but if one of my female friends joins in, there’s often (at best) a sort of tolerant pause while “the lady” speaks. Often, my female friends are talked right over or ignored entirely.

Answer to question: “Are intelligent women attractive?” Intellingent women are only intimidating to weak-minded, insecure men. Nobody would ever raise this question about a man.

And the evidence stated by women:

One ex-boyfriend of mine used to jokingly gloat about the fact that I paid for most of our expenses. Maybe it was his way of masking his discomfort, but he brought it up way too much to the point where I could tell he was struggling. Our relationship had other issues, but it came to a head when, after a particularly bad break-up, I initially offered to pay for couples counseling. But then he made some comment in a pseudo-jeering tone about how I was going to “foot the bill for therapy”, and it just made me crawl out of my skin. I can’t completely explain it, but for me it just signaled that we’d run out of reasons to try.

My issue is that many men I meet seem to be intimidated by me being intelligent and independent. It’s not like I’m trying to impress people by bragging about my achievements – just stating what I do for a job (translating) seems to intimidate guys. Then again, I don’t believe in selling myself short in order to attract someone.

My ex was extremely intelligent in the math/science arena; though I believe I am equally intelligent in English/ the humanities, he lorded it over me because math/science are better/more “useful.” He definately did have a need to feel superior to me.

Some science facts:

• Well-educated women are less likely to divorce (USA).
• Well-educated women tend to get their children inside the marriage.
• Tall women are likely to carry twins.
• Mothers education correlates more to children’s educational level than fathers.
• Tall and intelligent women get tall and intelligent kids (by the laws of genetics).

Read more:
The Romantic Life of Brainiacs
Educated women less likely to skip marriage and motherhood
Many Women at Elite Colleges Set Career Path to Motherhood
Growing Evidence for a “Divorce Divide?” Education and Marital Dissolution
The ‘new woman’ is a housewife
Do career women trade away motherhood?
Careers And Marriage: Should women marry career men? & Career Women Beware!
Career Women and Marriage
Tall men ‘top husband stakes’
2/3 career women say it’s hard to find Mr. Right
What modern women want: a beta male
Working mums’ children ‘unharmed’
Twins linked to tall mums
Empowering Women through Education: The education of parents is linked to their children’s educational attainment, and the mother’s education is usually more influential than the father’s.
Young children of well-educated mothers likely to be read to daily
Demographics Factor Heavily, In Divorce-Rate Statistics
Clever wives good for men’s health (BBC)
10 Important Research Findings on Marriage Partner
‘Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women’

Off the topic, but interesting and related:
Marriage makes both sexes happy

[I hope nobody gets upset by this as this is part of my own processing. It was not ment to provoke. I published this already twice, but felt it was little too much. Then I found that somebody has linked it and decided to give another go. The comments have been picked up from talking forums and blog comments. I hope nobody feels I am violating their rights.] 

They get a partner, because they are supposed to. They get married, because it looks good and they want children because they are status symbols. Before it was only boys, but today it does not matter that much, or does it?

Men used to wan boys to continue their family. Women needed to marry to gain any stable standing in the society and for living. And everybody knew this. But the society has changed since then. The golden ring and the married title are no more so important, or are they? Do people still get married or children for status?

You hear stories of women wanting the ring for showing off other women. Some child welfare authorities have been worried for kids parents don’t seem to have time for and who have been kept silenced with huge pocket money, but how much is it status thing and how much is about not been able to handle the conflicting demands.

I heard story of this female politician, who had under year old child. She intentionally left home so early she would not see the child crying, so it would not disturb her career. She had huge reserve of people (one of them her husband) to look after the kid and reserved some “quality time” for her. I felt it was rather coldblooded.

Everyone knows the story of AnnNicole Smith and her rich elder husband and wonder how much she fell for the status (and luxury) he could give her, rather than him. It is an old story that women fall for status, but when some woman marries a man decades her senior one starts to think how much is it about the status and how much about the status (and money).And this is not only female thing, as we all have heard about rich toyboys hanging around rich elder women.

What about the old or rich man marrying woman maybe decades younger and definitely beautiful, so was he not showing off too?? “See, I can still get such a woman at this age!” And do you think Donald Trump is looser with his legions of wives – it seems to me he have dumbed and cheated most of the times. So beautiful wife is a status symbol for a billionaire.

Maybe these people are less emotional and don’t care for feelings in the marriage. We have different values and the connection and partnership is not value for everybody.

Yet one must walk in this kind of marriage with open eyes as it is not you the other person wants, but what you can give to them. When it ends the relationship ends and there is not big hope for old-age-comfort or companionship or any such thing. It might be rather lonely business, so not something I’d hope for marriage. I still wonder, should children be brought to something like, as they need stability and security. It is risky business!

There is long  line of women being promoted through their relationships with men. The scandal of the World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz and his female friend Shaha Riza only shows that the tradition is continuing, although more criticised than before. Yet as Riza stated also other leaders in the bank have had their women (wives) working in there. And there is a conflict of interest. This is only one problem of the relationship between personnel, but this is something I wrote earlier.

It seems that there is growing adoption tend among celebrities and especially the foreign adoption. They seem to consider it as a form of charity. Yet there are always certain problems in foreign adoption.

I’ve been thinking of writing about this issue for a while, but I wanted first to write about the Ready-Made-Family. It is not easy issue as there are a lot of basic feelings involved.

International adoption by the famous people is not a new thing. Already 1920s jazz-girl Josephine Backer collected a multicultural family, but what I’ve heard the adopted children of hers did not remember her with much affection.

I’ve known children that were adopted from abroad. Among them there are considerable amount of sad stories. Many of these children don’t seem to belong. They are treated as foreigners in their own culture. And if they are older when adopted, they remember the culture, where they came from.

My friend, who had studied them in Netherlands (the country that was one of the first to have large amount of foreign adoptions) told me, that many of these children had huge problem and many were depressed. They needed therapeutical peer groups to process their feelings.

There is another even more serious problem. It seems that some of these celebs have given large donations for institutions they adopted from and that the rules were bent in their cases. Somebody wrote that what do we care of such matters, if the children gets a better lives. But does wealth necessary make your life so much better and happier? There is a big ethical problem in here, as the law is not the same for everybody. Does end really justify the means?

When I was living in India one of my friends was working in local adoption society and they were afraid of child trafficking. If the wealthy westerns want children and are willing to pay the price, there will be no problems. It seems that some poor families even make children for the reason of profiting from adoption. These children would not exists without foreigners willing to pay to adopt a child, so nobody is not really “saving them from their fate”. What seems small money in the West may be huge in some countries – and especially among the poorest of the poor.

There are also countries that adopt away unwanted children. In Eastern-Europe they are usually sick or handicapped. In some Asian countries the unwanted sex – girls. It is true that sick children are better taken cared of in west – but is it healthy to let some nation to get rid of the unwanted. And especially where the girls are given away this is generating bad imbalance between sexes.

I am not totally condemning the foreign adoption. I just say that you should not see it as any form of foreign aid or charity. Let’s face it – there are far too many ethical problems in it.

We all (women) have our own shopping patterns and mine is kind of manic: I buy a lot of at one go. This weekend I spent a huge amount of money (for me) – don’t dare to think. I’m lucky that now no one else is going to complain about it.

I usually buy practical, easy wear and affordable clothes. I have plenty of clothes and don’t really need any more. I seldomly buy anything at the full price. Yet I can spend a lot in one day. In this sense, I am happy that I live alone and nobody will complain how much money I spent.

I am usually pretty careful with my money and move specific amount of money each month to a fund.  And it is substantial part of my salary. I could already pay a down payment for a small apartment, but I’ve not yet made my decission. And I’ve got money saved to trip abroad. In everyday life I don’t usually waste money.

So what happend, when I wen’t to a shopping mode? I was going to buy a raincoat, I’ve been thinking to buy for a while. Then I saw nice t-shirt and pullover and bought them too. Continued to shop for three more shirts from second shops, some cosmetics from third and undewear and bag from fourth.

All were in sales and quite cheap in such, but the amount of stuff I bought was such that I don’t dare to think the total. Yet I am pretty happy about what I bought. It was substantial part of my monthly salary. And what I’d really need to buy are new winter shoes – but have not found any I’d like.

There are men to try to win women over by flash of money, and there are women, who go on with that. Whether it is expensive gifts or dinners or something else where money plays a part, it should not be used as reason of dating nor to lure anybody in the relationship. Yet there is constant trade of money, beauty and false affection.

Although there may not be many of us that would agree these kind of transactions to be ethical, yet the strategy is obviously working. Is it truth that everybody has their price? It is still sad business as true affection can hardly be bought.

I red an article about girl, who lived over her limits set by her earnings, because she could not buy anything except the most expensive brand from the shop. She was so admiring the rich lifestyle that she felt shame to buy anything else. I felt like saying to her that it is not way to become rich. I think there are plenty of this kind of girls dreaming of wealth and willing to pay high price on it.

There are also men, whose self image builds on women they have on their arm. More beautiful the better. Yet that is not true affection any more than the money for those women that are looking for it. The matter is more about status than about the love.

If one is really rich, it might be hard to differ gold diggers from others. There are always these women (or men) around, who will look just for your money, and not for yourself. And the women (or men), who might be interested just for yourself, may not be strong enough to get close to you. Gold can blind for true qualities, but it can also blind oneself for ones own faults.

I wonder why people are ready to enter these relationships. On the superficial level it is about wealth and status, but what is wrong in the deeper level? Is it more really about insecurity of some level? Women are unsure of the future and how they will cope (and they are looking for security) and men about them self (and looking for raising their ego).

[This writing was inspired by Billy: Money…and Women… ].

A story

I met a man Egypt, who told us a lot of stories, I don’t know how many of them were truth. I don’t mean they would not have had happened to someone, but not necessary for him. One of his stories was about rich western woman, who divorced her husband after meeting him – and married him. She had felt not enough affection from her husband.

She was much older than him (some twenty years). She helped him to buy a shop. Finally young man very naturally grew tired of the old woman and wanted free. He had a pride, so he spent years and years to pay her back. The women disappointed in love had formed a society – and he went one of their meeting, but ended up leaving because he felt they were blaming him.

Similar stories could probably be told about modern mail order brides from the Russia and Asia.