It does not need to be fireworks nor has it have to be any crazy thing either, but I’d still love to have some electricity in the air – at least a little. I we grown wise enough to understand that fireworks don’t guarantee happiness, but I don’t want it clinical either as it felt like, when I was for short while active in the Internet dating world.

When I was 16 I was already labeled as romantic and I suppose I am, although one that has two feet on the ground. Does it matter then if ones head is occasionally in the clouds? Maybe that is my problem: I want both – feeling comfy and giddy with a guy and it does not happen often. In fact I think I can count only couple of times it has actually worked that way. Other times either quality has been lacking.

Oh, I’ve been in love (and not just once), but it is some years ago now. My biggest romance was hurtful and humiliating and I spent long time licking my wounds. I don’t just blame him, although there was fault in him too, but I mostly blame my self. I was silly and did not know how to put end on it, even when I knew I should have. And after few more or less unfortunate events I really wanted to be on the self for a while. It just felt too frustrating. (This was long story made far too simple, but it is more or less how it felt). Yet I was not totally able to do it.

But for some years now I’ve truly been on the self. I would love to step down from it, but suddenly it is not that easy. The older you get the more difficult it gets. I don’t even know where to start. And in the mean while my friends have found men and some of them have even got married. And even those, who have not are in the stable relationship. There are some singles left, but those who I’ve walked most of the road with me are now taken.

I know I could go to the Internet and make my pick of the bunch of guys (I tried this in the spring), but it just does not work for me. The pictures don’t tell the personality and yet I don’t want to raise expectations by meeting men, I might not like. One of my pen pals had experienced this in first hand and told me that we should meet asap to see if we could click and not to waste time in the potentially meaningless writing. I did not believe it right away, but now I think he was correct (although he lived home, “creeps”).

So I came to conclusion that how romantic it sounds to meet man through pen pals (as one of my colleagues has), it is still not thing for me. I believe in first impressions and reading people and through static photo you don’t get any feeling of them. Even a film would probably not tell much. You just have to be present and view their reflection of you. By just looking photos I’d propably pick all the wrong guys (the good looking,  but not animating). Usually folks are just not that photogenic and in real life they are something more.

Just before the Easter I suddenly got plenty of traffic from strange source called rsd-nation. It was a male discussion forum and the writer linked to “Too picky or too shy” – and commented: “Does this mean that getting rejected is not always our fault? YES! “. Did you guys really think that women are some kind of robots that if you press the right buttons you always get “yes”?

The women can have past wounds and insecurities you have nothing to do with. Often it is about the right timing, the right mood and about nice guy. There are plenty of us, who don’t like men coming to us too heavily. “I saw you and you seem nice and I wanted to talk to you and get to know you. Can I sit here and talk with you?” would sound great to me. Much better and more honest than any lame flattery. So don’t tell me I am beautiful or mysterious or any that kind of rubbish.

What ever you do, don’t just push there, because you’re too afraid of actually asking me. That does not seem nice and in fact it feels distressing for me. It is not respectful and makes me feel used somehow and I want to run. That single move probably blew your changes with me totally. Nothing is so unbecoming than strange man rubbing or pushing himself on me. Believe me, I know.

I would really recommend that instead of using huge amount of money for these guys, who just teach you player tactics, you ask some women (who your not that much interested in and just friends with) how they think women like to be approached and treated. They will probably be happy to help some man to treat the ladies in his life better as long as they don’t have crush on you.

You should remember that there is no tactic working for every women in all occasions. Women can be occasionally moody, which you should know, if you have ever been in relationship with one. Some women, like me, also have past wounds and are insecure of them selves. No man has ever moved slow enough for me and been actually moving some where. Yet most of the women would probably want it faster than me. My point here is to slow down, if the reaction is not what you looked for instead of pushing more, which is the mistake most men do.

You should also consider that almost one third of the women get harassed as children and it is a light form of child abuse. It leaves some scars. So many women, especially many of those pretty ones do have problems with their past. They’ve learned unhealthy coping skills. Many of them probably feel (I’ve heard one of my friends especially complaining about this) that men come after them just because they are beautiful. The beauty knows that hanging her on his arm raises the guys status in the eyes of other men. It is not that flattering, when you think about it.

Others like me feel the line about the great beauty to be fake, when you say it, because we don’t often feel so beautiful. The problem is we can feel that way even if you really mean it. So your honesty might be brought to question, even if you were sincere. So don’t pay too much attention on the female beauty in the beginning in spite of how beautiful she is. Later, when we already trust in you, it is nice compliment as all the women like to look beautiful in the eyes of their men. It is a little female vanity.

Few days ago I wrote about wondering how some one can fall in a couple of paragraphs of the profile and noted I could not. Internet dating in fact, whit-out meeting the person in question in reality, feels little clinical to me. One is picking the perfect combination of qualities and feels picky – because the real thing: do I like how he behaves and does chemistry work don’t translate in the black letters in the screen.

The more one writes, more one learns to understand other ones thinking, yet it is almost impossible to get the know some one through just couple of e-mails. Few of these guys, definitely more experienced with this, have told me there is no point writing for long time and one should meet soon to not to build false expectations. Yet I feel like going to a blind date especially as several of these guys have not even insisted seeing my photo (and due this I’ve not seen them).

My experiences of Internet dating are quite unromantic. I feel like shopping with a list, not like falling in love. Even if I want to be wise in picking my future partner, I still want to fall in love and this does not feel like it at all. I must be more romantic than I’ve thought, because this is really frustrating. I don’t want to pick men due some random aspects or some lines in the message that might or might as well not be important for future relationship. I believe I could know more after few minutes meeting. So maybe we should meet…

As you might have heard I wrote a profile in a Internet dating page, where you don’t see a picture right away – only after the other one gives you permission. Whit-out seeing a picture and and me writing much more than three paragraphs of my profile, one man told me (repeatedly) that he had fallen in love with my profile.

I wonder whether one can really fall in love with a profile described in few words. I have not been able to. I’ve got interested, I loved to meet some men, but no I have not fallen in love with them, even if I have experience in falling in love with a first sight (almost at least).

I can understand some one falling in love with letters. You learn to know others personality little by little. Yet it takes time. But short piece of text of about ten sentences goes over my head. Yet he says he did. Only I think he has formed in his head a picture of woman he thinks he has fallen in love with, but whether I am that woman or not I am not sure at all. Just meeting me might cure him – or not .

I’ve learned to not to trust fleeting emotions. Yet I have factually fallen in love with a first sight. I fell for a guy I for long time believed to be my soul-mate. We liked similar things and our thinking was parallel. Yet it was not lovely relationship and after it I rather go with less soul deep connection and more genuine caring. I have to admit it was immaturity of both parties that played a big part in this disaster. I was not ready and he was ready to wait for me.

I have to admit that immediately falling in love with my profile and the scares information in it made me wary and felt a bit creepy.

I confess I did it. I wrote nice little profile in quite specific dating service my friend had used before (and not found her guy there). I just wanted to include some men in my life and possibly date. I was as honest as possible. Let me see I wrote something like hating washing dishes and being a dreamer, but surprisingly it did not seem to scare men off.

I got plenty of answers. In the beginning I felt it was fair to answer at least those that had written me something more than just being interested. I asked some of them questions (like why the one of the guys was still living with his parents and why another one had divorced). I felt I needed answers to these questions.

The premier embarrassment was when I realised the fake name I used to open the free e-mail I was using was shown as a sender of the mails. The truth is I don’t still have found out, how to remove it. So part of my odyssey have been trying not to make fool of my self, while explaining that “Anne” is not really my name. Some of them I’ve even given my real first name (as they’ve given theirs too). I want to keep my anonymity and at the same time I don’t want to mislead them thinking I am more open than I am.

I have to admit that the whole dating business brought up some old traumas (of harassment) and I felt panicking. One Saturday of February I just cried about things that had happened me before, when I was younger. I was rather delighted that the worst was over after then, but I am still not totally over my fear of dating (and men).

The crying episode was after I’ve been surfing about first the phobia of men and after brought forward the issue of abuse, I searched about its psychological effects. And all it made me cry of things that I had safely locked in the closet in the far end of my mind. I finally admitted what all this had done to me and cried of the self bitty and sorrow of the loss.

This did not make my net-dating project any easier, although I must admit, that it might have been necessary episode. After it I decided to take practical standpoint on choosing men and ask from them few key issues (about things they like and what are they expecting of the life). And I panicked of that too, because I was afraid that I had asked too serious questions too soon. But my fear was pointless as they both answered nicely.

Now I am thinking, because their answers were both so nice (there are just two guys in the arena at the moment), I don’t know who to choose. I fear I have to make my choice on what I feel are the irrelevant issues. Yet there are very little to blame them otherwise.

There was a third guy, who has been bombing me whit messages for some weeks now. I must admit that I admire his endurance, when my answers have been few and far between. Yet I’ve not written much more to other either. There was certain reasons I was not sure about him and so today I wrote him and asked for a break and to come back later, if he still felt like it. It will give me a breathing space I hope, without needing to totally skip him. Yet I made it enough clear that he should look for other places for a while.

I have to admit, it is not easy to make a choice according few messages and a short (or even shorter) profile. Yet I don’t want to keep both of them hanging after me, while I date them both. I am one at the time kind of girl and I don’t even think I’d have capacity for more. This I told them. So now I need to choose, with whom I want to proceed right now and to whom I want to say “see you later”. Not an easy choice to make for a woman, who is not good making decisions.

I am not even sure right now I am ready to fall in love and part of me wonders if it is fair for these guys, put on the other hand: one must start somewhere.

It seems to me that true Gentlemen are not in fashion. There are some guys, who act gentlemanly in front of women they are after, but behind their backs are buggers. The true gentleman first of all must truly respect and cherish women (in general), a trait that was banned by a gang of ultra-feminist in the name of absolute equality.

Due to this true gentlemen are rare and far between. Few men dare to stop opening doors to women that don’t seem thankful. Few men bother guarding their tongue in the presence of women. The positive discrimination of good manners of gentlemen is gone. You can find Neanderthals as well from the top as from the bottom of the society, as well from the millioinaires (e. g. Donald Trump) as from the plumbers.

Some men have decided to imitate gentlemen to woo women. They pretend to treat the women they are interested in gentlemanly. If you want to test if these guys are true gentlemen and not just pretenders, watch how they treat women of less importance like ugly ducklings, little girls and old grannies. That shows you how they will treat you in long term relationship. True gentlemen don’t discriminate women on the bases of desirability.

Some men it seems consider dirty talking as an average and neutral everyday language. They throw sexist comments and juvenile jokes around as if they would be appropriate in every occasions. If some one does not laugh and, especially if that person is female, they act offended and call them, if they happen to be women, humorless bitches. It seems to me that these guys have not yet dried the water behind their ears.

There are also gentlemen in disguise. They don’t howl about their gentleman traits and they might not even know all the curls of the etiquette, but if you follow their behaviour faithfully you slowly learn to understand that they are gentlemen in their hearts. I have to admit that I respect these artless closet gentlemen much more than those, whose nobility is just for the outer shine.

I think it is time we admit that women and men are at least slightly different and that there is place and time for positive discrimination even in the most modern society. There is no need to return to the middle ages in the name of equality. The good manners have developed because everyone wants to be treated nicely. So gentlemen: be my quest and open the doors for ladies.

I don’t care about the people who harassed me. I have no energy for them. For long time I was angry, but at the moment it is more important to get back to the life. It is more important to be able to get over my fears.

I used to be so angry about all the cases of harassment, but no I am suddenly unemotional. I can agree that harassment is using about power, not passion, but it does not raise my emotion, if some one is silly enough to think differently. I just don’t have resources to waste for fighting whit treadmills as it is almost impossible to change the opinions of people in denial (and by no means they are only men, nor men in general belong to them).

You can only understand the significance of this, when I admit that I am really justice oriented person. Fairness is usually really important to me and has been since I was rather little. Yet at the moment I don’t care about it, I just care about getting better.

I am feeling deeply anguished. All of this started whit a public harassment scandal and me trying to figure out, why I was so angry about it. At the same time I decided to try online dating. Yes I have to admit I think it is pathetic and I really don’t believe finding guys from there.

I feel stressed and scared, because I got plenty of answers and some of the guys are rather heavy on meeting me and I am not sure, who I want to meet and am I really ready to meet / date anyone. I think I took too big step at once – I should’ve started more easily.

I’m panicking. I feel like telling them that I’m not ready yet, at the same time I feel worried that they would feel misled. Telling them I would not want to see them on the other hand would be untrue. I don’t really know what to do.

I find myself sabotaging myself on purpose by asking the guys what kind of family would they want and answering in the same message. Far too serious far too soon.  It will probably scare them off – although it might just scare those, who are not desperate – meaning those that are best of the lot. The ones left are those I really would not want to meet anyway.

There is this stereotype that men only want one thing and that it starts in the teens. Well the truth seems in reality to be quite different. Peggy Giordano in fact thinks that the teenager boys are the most romantic people that exist.

When I was in my late teens me and my friend shared the idea that most boys we knew were in fact bigger romantics than we were ever. Few years later I was making a play whit guys to the student festival. The guys decided it should be romantic, while I was a way. It was easy for them to hide behind my back (I was the only woman in the group).

One Bad Apple – How bad experiences affect us.

I have a theory that because players sleep whit so many women, most women have some experience of them. The classic note in the business is that what we (customer) remember best are bad experiences and are also the most likely to tell about them to others. That is supposedly because they hurt us and we try to avoid that. So even if the woman has had better experiences the bad ones whit player will haunt her.

I think this is one reason, why we so easily claim that men are not romantic and they don’t have feelings. When Giordano studied teenager boys she found only rare exceptions of player. Most boys were in fact very romantic and had feelings for the special girl. I don’t thnk men change that much even later.

Tim Taylor tried to answer to the question, if men have feelings. His explanation was that men has suppressed the feelings due the peer pressure in their youth. I also believe that the role models and the expect roles affect the way we are able to handle the feelings and men have had very restricted model in this sense. It is not nice to be teased as a girl.

The Anatomy of a Player

December number of the Psychology today had an article called: “Field Guide to the Casanova” that was in fact more like a short of the explanation why players act as they do. It said that most players have some short of sociopath traits as they tend to manipulate women.

Many players have had absent father in the childhood and due this they have problems whit insecurity and self-esteem. Players are often so called late bloomers that had hard time in High School.

The former player interviewed in the article was now in a serious relationship. He said that it demanded new qualities, but also gave him so much more. Put don’t try to reform players – like sociopaths also they have to realise themselves they want something more. Outsiders can do very little.

OK. This is too good to not to share: Why Men Should Say No to Sex - Ewan is surprising me again. You should also read the discussion.

My mother suffered untreated depression during most of my childhood. It put a great strain both on my parents marriage and on us children. It is something that still makes me angry toward the world (but no more against my parents: they did their best). It was baby blues suffered after my brother was born and due to not been treated properly continued for years.

It puts strain on my life too. Although I am not like my mother in many ways, I do have same melancholic tendencies. And it makes me worried: I’d hate to be a burden for my hubby or my kids. I’d hate to make their lives miserable due to my potential illness. This makes me feel scared of relationship and responsibilities of relationships as well as defective. I don’t want to become my mother.

I’d love to be healthy, wealthy and wise, before I burden anybody else whit my presence. I know I am hunting for perfection impossible to reach. At the same time I’d feel guilty of luring any man to whit-out being honest of my tendency, yet claiming that directly as soon as possible would definitely scare anybody off (me too). It is easier not to get involved.

Yet not getting involved makes me sad. I’ve always seen myself as a marrying kind of woman. I’ve always loved kids and I’d love to be wonderful mother to them, but I don’t know if I can. I’d love to have companionship and adventure of a lifetime whit my hubby, but I am afraid my solo adventure takes me to the roads of blues he should not follow me in. I try to tell myself I am not my mother: at the first signs of depression and angst I actively seek help, instead of hiding. Yet the fear is there.

I am not the only one suffering from the childhood in the shadows of depression and the fears it greates. I wanted to share this with you, even if it is a bit sad.

[This is a subject difficult to write of, so Please, moderate your comments accordingly.]

Some links:

• Web4Health: How does mental illness affect the family?
• Better Health Channel: Mental illness – family and friends
• AOL Coaches: How can a depression affect a family?
• Healthy Place.com: Effects Of Depression On Family and Friends