Most of the second half of 2008 my life evolve around work (a lot of new and stressful things), my mother (who I’ve been worried about) and my god daughter, who will soon be half year old. I have to admit I am besotted. She is a little darling.

On top of all that the apartment building my friend is living in had a quite serious fire and she was evaquated and stayed away some days. I help her to drag back her mattress (in a tram) and that was quite funny. Some good moments after a moment of terror. The fire made me think also, how fragile the life really is and how we cannot know, when it is going to end.

There has not been much time to think about men or about being single. In fact I am a bit tired of this topic right now. My head is empty, which you may have noticed in this blog. I am sorry, but I really did not have much to say about anything related to men or relationships. I hope I would have, but I really did not.

Well there was an office christmas party and I was told I was dressed prettiy – by some of my female colleques. And I met an old (male) friend of mine, who I like a lot, and who is married and has a baby. Long time not seen and such. So no romance in the air, at all.

Somebody asked me this question in this blog for a while ago.

I don’t think it is a question of need. I can do without a mate. I might feel more satisfied with a family, but I am rather happy with my life as it is. In fact relationships (with men) usually make me feel frustrated and uncomfortable.

 It is more like I want one. I want a man to share my life with and I preferably also family. I’d love to have some one waiting me to come home after work and share my lonely nights with. I’ve always been a bit maternal type and I’ve wanted kids the last 15 years.

Yes, I feel like time is running out, but it is more because of my ability to count, than because my friends are already married. Most of them are not. In fact only one of my good friends is and another one is going to go next summer. My sister is not and propably will never be, because she does not want same things from her life. My mother has never been hinting on this.

Who do you consider to be part of your family? Is it your spouse or partner, your children and maybe stepchildren, who are living with you. I have heard a definition that family are the people using the same fridge. I am the only one using my fridge. According this definition, I’d be my only family. Rather lonely family in my opinion.

Many people, I have understood that not only single, consider still being part of their childhood family. Many mothers consider their children still being their children, even if they’d grown up. I remember seeing just short while ago an about 80 years old mother telling her 50 year old son that mother always believes him, even if nobody else would. That some how stuck in my mind, even when I don’t really remember, what the document itself was about. And if one has had at least decent relationship with ones parents, one cannot help worrying for them, when they are growing old.

Yet the childhood family is not the only one you can consider outside your current living conditions. There might be ex-partners, children and step-children living outside your home and even friends you can consider being part of your family. Especially for the single people the circle of friends are necessity, but they are often important also for those, who live in the relationship and those, who have started a family of their own.

Even traditionally the family borders have never been very clear. In the past (and in certain cases also in present) people were living in the extended families . Often family might have included at least maiden aunts or orphan cousins, but in some cases also grandparents and maybe even uncles and aunts with cousins, nieces and nephews. And especially Christianity have been adding the family members with godparents and -children.

Lately the most important person in my life has been my (future) god daughter. Of course my childhood family (especially mother, now living alone) and friends are important too. Even if I am living a single life, it does not mean that I’d be free of ties.  Sometimes I’ve still been thinking living in a community would be nice. At least you’d see some one, when you came home.

Happily I am not yet one of those, who could die and be forgotten for half a decade, before found mummified from their flats. (Or been eaten by their dogs like Bridget J. was worried about).

It does not need to be fireworks nor has it have to be any crazy thing either, but I’d still love to have some electricity in the air – at least a little. I we grown wise enough to understand that fireworks don’t guarantee happiness, but I don’t want it clinical either as it felt like, when I was for short while active in the Internet dating world.

When I was 16 I was already labeled as romantic and I suppose I am, although one that has two feet on the ground. Does it matter then if ones head is occasionally in the clouds? Maybe that is my problem: I want both – feeling comfy and giddy with a guy and it does not happen often. In fact I think I can count only couple of times it has actually worked that way. Other times either quality has been lacking.

Oh, I’ve been in love (and not just once), but it is some years ago now. My biggest romance was hurtful and humiliating and I spent long time licking my wounds. I don’t just blame him, although there was fault in him too, but I mostly blame my self. I was silly and did not know how to put end on it, even when I knew I should have. And after few more or less unfortunate events I really wanted to be on the self for a while. It just felt too frustrating. (This was long story made far too simple, but it is more or less how it felt). Yet I was not totally able to do it.

But for some years now I’ve truly been on the self. I would love to step down from it, but suddenly it is not that easy. The older you get the more difficult it gets. I don’t even know where to start. And in the mean while my friends have found men and some of them have even got married. And even those, who have not are in the stable relationship. There are some singles left, but those who I’ve walked most of the road with me are now taken.

I know I could go to the Internet and make my pick of the bunch of guys (I tried this in the spring), but it just does not work for me. The pictures don’t tell the personality and yet I don’t want to raise expectations by meeting men, I might not like. One of my pen pals had experienced this in first hand and told me that we should meet asap to see if we could click and not to waste time in the potentially meaningless writing. I did not believe it right away, but now I think he was correct (although he lived home, “creeps”).

So I came to conclusion that how romantic it sounds to meet man through pen pals (as one of my colleagues has), it is still not thing for me. I believe in first impressions and reading people and through static photo you don’t get any feeling of them. Even a film would probably not tell much. You just have to be present and view their reflection of you. By just looking photos I’d propably pick all the wrong guys (the good looking,  but not animating). Usually folks are just not that photogenic and in real life they are something more.

While I feel like nothing has happened, during the time I was away from here, there has been those moments. First I’ve heard that I’ll be godmother. He/She should born one of these days. I like children and while not having any of my own godchild is a good substitute. I have felt little left out in fact, because many of my friends have had plenty of godkids. This is my first. Although one old friend (long time not seen) told me that she could have written the same story: for years no godchildren and then in the few years several. I wonder…

In June I was in my summer holiday. I visited Italy - went to the Gulf of Naples, in to the green island of Ischia. I travelled alone and some of my compatriot young women asked, how do I dare to travel alone to Italy. Now Italy I’ve never considered a problem – or at least not after my first visit. I can handle Italian men alright. Anyway I was pretty much left alone. Only one day I was wearing skirt and was asked for a ride, which I politely and smilingly denied. (Have to admit that it made my day. )

My friends have bought a house I visited in the end of my holiday. They moved away from the big city – mostly due the work, but at the same time were able to upgrade their living standards from small flat to own, although slightly older house. It was nice. I started to think about the possibility to remove me from the big city and moving to a cheaper and smaller town. Yes I am getting old.

There was even questionably romantic moment after I came back from my holiday. One evening after work I met an old acquaintance and we spoke couple of hours, while standing on the pavement and it was even slightly raining and we needed to move under the cover. It was nice, but afterwards I did not know what to make about it. He seemed keen to talk to me though. He asked me to spend time whit their group of people and I’ve intended to, but while it is already couple of weeks ago, I’ve not managed. Maybe I am so inefficient, because I am slightly baffled what to make about it. I wonder if I should not try make anything about it before I see it through.

This was again me-me-me post, most of you might not be at all interested. I just wrote it to update those friends I’ve made through the blogging world and who might have wondered what happened to me. One last thing: I am finally finished with this job (mentally – because it is permanent) and ready to find new one. I know I don’t want to jump for first (and maybe worst) possibility, so I am looking for a long process. But I feel it is necessary.

Just an year ago I wrote about not being in a hurry to become mother. Last weekend I found myself panicking about potential menopause. I know it was silly and it probably has not started yet, but my curses were light and I was quite warm (although I wore plenty of clothing) and some how it came to my mind that it might have begun.

It made me check my priorities. It is totally different not to want become mother now – than not to want to become mother ever. Yes I do want to become mother and after last weekends shock: rather sooner than later if possible. I also don’t believe in becoming mother by myself. There are several reasons most important being that I unfashionably believe that children need their father as well their mother and also I don’t somehow believe I could manage it just by myself. I think I need the support of the partner -  the father.

I’ve always consider the adoption and fostering as an option. Suddenly I do want to have at least one of my own. I want to be pregnant and carry my child. I am more and more aware of the fact that there is not that much time, even if my mom got last of us about five years older than I’m now.

Yet I am truly scared of running in trouble by picking a man too fast, as I am afraid my mom did. I know that in the end he loved my dad, but they had serious problems due his lack of consideration. I don’t want to get married with an irresponsible man. I also don’t want just to pick a good man – I want to fall in love with him. I don’t want to do any cold blooded decision. I don’t want to choose a man just as an instrument of getting child.

Few days ago I wrote about wondering how some one can fall in a couple of paragraphs of the profile and noted I could not. Internet dating in fact, whit-out meeting the person in question in reality, feels little clinical to me. One is picking the perfect combination of qualities and feels picky – because the real thing: do I like how he behaves and does chemistry work don’t translate in the black letters in the screen.

The more one writes, more one learns to understand other ones thinking, yet it is almost impossible to get the know some one through just couple of e-mails. Few of these guys, definitely more experienced with this, have told me there is no point writing for long time and one should meet soon to not to build false expectations. Yet I feel like going to a blind date especially as several of these guys have not even insisted seeing my photo (and due this I’ve not seen them).

My experiences of Internet dating are quite unromantic. I feel like shopping with a list, not like falling in love. Even if I want to be wise in picking my future partner, I still want to fall in love and this does not feel like it at all. I must be more romantic than I’ve thought, because this is really frustrating. I don’t want to pick men due some random aspects or some lines in the message that might or might as well not be important for future relationship. I believe I could know more after few minutes meeting. So maybe we should meet…

I confess I did it. I wrote nice little profile in quite specific dating service my friend had used before (and not found her guy there). I just wanted to include some men in my life and possibly date. I was as honest as possible. Let me see I wrote something like hating washing dishes and being a dreamer, but surprisingly it did not seem to scare men off.

I got plenty of answers. In the beginning I felt it was fair to answer at least those that had written me something more than just being interested. I asked some of them questions (like why the one of the guys was still living with his parents and why another one had divorced). I felt I needed answers to these questions.

The premier embarrassment was when I realised the fake name I used to open the free e-mail I was using was shown as a sender of the mails. The truth is I don’t still have found out, how to remove it. So part of my odyssey have been trying not to make fool of my self, while explaining that “Anne” is not really my name. Some of them I’ve even given my real first name (as they’ve given theirs too). I want to keep my anonymity and at the same time I don’t want to mislead them thinking I am more open than I am.

I have to admit that the whole dating business brought up some old traumas (of harassment) and I felt panicking. One Saturday of February I just cried about things that had happened me before, when I was younger. I was rather delighted that the worst was over after then, but I am still not totally over my fear of dating (and men).

The crying episode was after I’ve been surfing about first the phobia of men and after brought forward the issue of abuse, I searched about its psychological effects. And all it made me cry of things that I had safely locked in the closet in the far end of my mind. I finally admitted what all this had done to me and cried of the self bitty and sorrow of the loss.

This did not make my net-dating project any easier, although I must admit, that it might have been necessary episode. After it I decided to take practical standpoint on choosing men and ask from them few key issues (about things they like and what are they expecting of the life). And I panicked of that too, because I was afraid that I had asked too serious questions too soon. But my fear was pointless as they both answered nicely.

Now I am thinking, because their answers were both so nice (there are just two guys in the arena at the moment), I don’t know who to choose. I fear I have to make my choice on what I feel are the irrelevant issues. Yet there are very little to blame them otherwise.

There was a third guy, who has been bombing me whit messages for some weeks now. I must admit that I admire his endurance, when my answers have been few and far between. Yet I’ve not written much more to other either. There was certain reasons I was not sure about him and so today I wrote him and asked for a break and to come back later, if he still felt like it. It will give me a breathing space I hope, without needing to totally skip him. Yet I made it enough clear that he should look for other places for a while.

I have to admit, it is not easy to make a choice according few messages and a short (or even shorter) profile. Yet I don’t want to keep both of them hanging after me, while I date them both. I am one at the time kind of girl and I don’t even think I’d have capacity for more. This I told them. So now I need to choose, with whom I want to proceed right now and to whom I want to say “see you later”. Not an easy choice to make for a woman, who is not good making decisions.

I am not even sure right now I am ready to fall in love and part of me wonders if it is fair for these guys, put on the other hand: one must start somewhere.

One of my over-coat buttons got loose couple of weeks ago. It seems to reflect everything that is going wrong at my life at the moment. I seem to not be able to handle such a minor things as sewing my button, which I by the way can do perfectly well.

The problem is not that I could not, but that I don’t seem to be able address the problematic issue. In the morning I decide to do it to day and in the evening I notice that I’ve not done it again and that I am too tired to start. And yet again one more day has gone. And days float past me like dreamy swans.

This is strange, because lately my mood have clearly lifted of the long foggy season. I feel hopeful and loving my life (most of the time). I am not nervous nor distress like I used to be still at autumn. I feel generally happy, occasionally joyful. Yet it seems overly hard to tackle everyday issues.

Part of the problem is that we have most stressful time of the year at work. The other part of the problem is that I seem to be processing my past and especially past associating whit my relationships and men in heavy processing. You might think it would be depressing, but in fact I feel the process is liberating and unburdening. Yet it takes quite a much of my mental and emotional capacity.

Plus to everything else I got committed for these casual studies whit my friend, where there is a social pressure to do it properly as she want us to work together as a small group. And I’d love it, if only I had more time to concentrate in it. At the moment I feel guilty if I do it and I feel guilty if I don’t .

The problem of being single is there that I am not able to get help from someone at home (and I am too shame to ask some outsider). The benefit of being couple is that you could get help, when you’re having too much trouble. Yet this might be just seeing the greener grass on the other side of the fence thus idealising the steady relationships. Truth in my parents relationship was quite different in fact.

“Destined to die alone
in a room heavy whit
the tang of cat wee.”

This e-card brings to my mind a scene from the first Bridget Jones film, where she is afraid to end up old maid and being eaten by her dogs. 

Happy Valentine for all “Spinsters” and all other single Ladies! Lets give up all stupid fears, laugh cordially for them  all and for ourselves and live happily ever after enjoying our freedom as long as it lasts.

If you want to send this or some other kind of “cute” anti-valentines card, check meish.org.

Ps. My friend shend me a e-card cat for valentines and other one send me a postcard picturing two swinging nuns.  Did they maybe try to tell me something?