It is revealing to see old photos. After decades one can watch them almost as an outsider, while it is otherwise impossible to dive in the past as it was. You only know it through your emotional memories. The photos are revealing a frozen past.

Just few days ago my mother and aunt were looking for a photo for my cousin of my granny’s house. At the same time she flipped through a lot of photos where I was as well. I have heard that in some therapies they use photos to raise feelings and make people look their past differently. Photos may reveal things of our past relationships we are not consciously aware of.

In my childhood I was rather bookish and not among “the bold and beautiful”. I red a lot and was often deep in the imaginary world they draw. Somehow I thought I looked like a grey mouse too. I was told in my teens by a handsome boy that I was ugly. It left an awkward notion of my self. I wonder how much it has affected to my self image. In certain age being normal is so precious, like Astrid Lingren said with the mouth of Britt-Marie, her teenage girl heroine. She said that is nice to have particular beauty, but it is less nice to have particularly ugly mole in your nose. I often felt I did not belong.

When I was watching the old photos, I wondered why I had not seen what they could tell me before. Those photos revealed a young girl, who was rather pretty, slim and above all very normal. There has been people, who have told me that I am normal, but I’ve had hard time believing.  When I saw those photos now I was surprised what l saw. Even if the girl in the photos was not a great beauty, I felt sorry I did not understand this already years ago. It could have made me understand a lot of things.

I think it was Danish Philosopher Søren Kierkegaard, who said that although we understand the life backwards, we must live it forward. The revealing moments of truth crash over the reality occasionally, but always what seems too late. It is like remembering that you forgot your keys home, just after the door was locked. One cannot change the situation any more, but one can only hope to have learned the lesson.

I am unofficially a God mother (- it will be official only after the babtism of course). The baby girl was born couple of weeks ago and after it we had a slight worry with her blood sugar levels, but now everything is fine. I am happy for them and part of me wants to throw a party and another part of me wants to pamper her to rots.

I was almost sure it was a boy, before it was born. Earlier during the pregnancy I was thinking it was a girl – I just had a feeling, but later I had almost convinced myself it would be a boy as its daddy thought it would be. I had almost bought a skull & bones pacifier (for a joke) cause I knew its daddy had asked for skull cloth nappies. But it was born to be a most beautiful little girl possible.

One of my collegues commented on me that somehting happens on the brains of women, when they see babies. I don’t know if that is true for them all, but for me it is I suppose. I am over the moon – and it is not even my niece nor my own daughter. The whole summer I we been feeling like there is some kind of population rush as it seems that every third woman you see (of fertile age) are pregnant. I was thinking I was little nutty, before I red an article that the maternity wards are in trouble as there are so many babies expected in the best holiday season. Everybody is working overtime.

And no wonder – just couple of years ago my cousine gave birth to her second about this time and now my friend too. Yet both of them was not so much planned as my cousine and her hubbie had given up the hope for another. And my friend and her hubbie had decided that one could come when it would come. They had counted that as neither of them is very young anymore, the baby might take some time. I just red about this few weeks ago as the researchers have found out that also male fertility slumps after they turn to 40s. So its not only women, who should get the babies early enough but also men should not leave it too late.

I’d love to get a baby of my own, but I just don’t think I am ready yet – and I don’t have that much time anymore.

Ok, first a warning: there are not even vague scientific grounds on this.

I have noticed the growing acidness on my temper. I wonder if it has anything to do with absence of men from my life (or maybe of absence of sleep lately, but that is not as fun to wonder). I once red a theory that male fragrance – or should I say sweat – makes women relax. Now this had something to do with getting girls on the mood after guys coming from the hunting trips and before going for another. Now ladies that are fussed are usually hard to get on the mood. Yet I have been lately wondering if this has something to do with less mellow attitude of many spinsters.

What I mean is that we (the spinsters) never get a good portion of closeness with men – that is cuddling – and so we never get to smell their sweat enough to mellow us. The women who are staying with their men, are the opposite. Maybe a woman on her own has needed more spunk. This might also be the reason, why so many women close their eyes on their mens imperfections. The sole presence of their men calms them down. Not necessary a bad thing, as long as you don’t let yourself to be treated badly.

It does not need to be fireworks nor has it have to be any crazy thing either, but I’d still love to have some electricity in the air – at least a little. I we grown wise enough to understand that fireworks don’t guarantee happiness, but I don’t want it clinical either as it felt like, when I was for short while active in the Internet dating world.

When I was 16 I was already labeled as romantic and I suppose I am, although one that has two feet on the ground. Does it matter then if ones head is occasionally in the clouds? Maybe that is my problem: I want both – feeling comfy and giddy with a guy and it does not happen often. In fact I think I can count only couple of times it has actually worked that way. Other times either quality has been lacking.

Oh, I’ve been in love (and not just once), but it is some years ago now. My biggest romance was hurtful and humiliating and I spent long time licking my wounds. I don’t just blame him, although there was fault in him too, but I mostly blame my self. I was silly and did not know how to put end on it, even when I knew I should have. And after few more or less unfortunate events I really wanted to be on the self for a while. It just felt too frustrating. (This was long story made far too simple, but it is more or less how it felt). Yet I was not totally able to do it.

But for some years now I’ve truly been on the self. I would love to step down from it, but suddenly it is not that easy. The older you get the more difficult it gets. I don’t even know where to start. And in the mean while my friends have found men and some of them have even got married. And even those, who have not are in the stable relationship. There are some singles left, but those who I’ve walked most of the road with me are now taken.

I know I could go to the Internet and make my pick of the bunch of guys (I tried this in the spring), but it just does not work for me. The pictures don’t tell the personality and yet I don’t want to raise expectations by meeting men, I might not like. One of my pen pals had experienced this in first hand and told me that we should meet asap to see if we could click and not to waste time in the potentially meaningless writing. I did not believe it right away, but now I think he was correct (although he lived home, “creeps”).

So I came to conclusion that how romantic it sounds to meet man through pen pals (as one of my colleagues has), it is still not thing for me. I believe in first impressions and reading people and through static photo you don’t get any feeling of them. Even a film would probably not tell much. You just have to be present and view their reflection of you. By just looking photos I’d propably pick all the wrong guys (the good looking,  but not animating). Usually folks are just not that photogenic and in real life they are something more.

Now there are men that don’t seem to be able to stay loyal to their women. You may guess what I am talking about: Jude Law. He is cute and so unreliable. What is it in women, that makes them believe they can be the ones to reform the rakes. He has already that long reputation of being a gambler.

Just like Alfie

After making the movie Alfie during the divorce process he has behaved like his character in that film. Sure he is cute and charming and unbelievably sexy, but is it enough excuse to let him break your heart. In this case Kimberly Stewart had no right to act surprised after his history with Sienna Miller. And if 35-years old guy is dating 20 year old, he is not planning of getting serious in the near future either. In fact it seems to me that Mr. Law has tried family life and got enough of steady girl friends and wives, even if he is a loving father for sure.

Although they say that reformed rakes make best husbands, the truth is that once a cheater always a cheater. So if one knows that a man has a reputation of being a cheater, one is playing with fire. And while most of us don’t even dream of dating movie stars, we can learn something from this incident ourselves and look serious before we start playing with fire with more ordinary players of our own lives. If woman starts to date a guy like this, he is asking to be hurt – no matter what he would tell her.

Read More: Rod Stewart furious at Jude Law(undercover.com.au)

Oh, and watch Alfie – it makes you understand…

This question surprised me. I had never thought about taking care of myself as a woman (you guys can replace it with man if you like). It was in a book, where it was part of the section about identity. I seldom think about taking care of myself anyway. I posed this question to my girl friends and according their reactions, they were as baffled as I was.

The question was like opening a new window of thought. I at least believed I was seeing a totally new dimension here and trough it looking my life differently. Although I was not that sure what the question meant exactly. What would it be like to take care of my femininity?

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot, how people often talk about masculinity and mean strength (both physical and mental) and talk about femininity and mean sensitivity and empathy. It is like women and men equally would not posses both groups of qualities. Not all men like wrestling and not all women hate it. Not all men hate ballet and not all women love it.

When I was in high school I was good with computers and occasionally even better than the guys in the course. I was the only girl. We could process with the computer programming course as we best wished. While boys ran forward as fast as they could – I spend a lot of time making my programs also look OK, instead of just working. When they got stacked some where our teacher asked me to skip few easier problems and try the ones they could not manage.

When I left first from the exam after checking my answers twice, all the guys stared at me and after we got the result one of them was sent to ask mine. I felt like a freak. I did better than them. I was not a proper girl, because I was able to process higher mathematics (like my computer teacher told his wife, who again told my mum).

It only came to my mind later that I approached my task differently than guys, even if my abilities seemed above them. On the other hand there were not many in the course that were good at maths and science. After the high school I shook maths and science off myself and head off to political sciences, part as a rebellion and part as avoiding some imaginative stigma. Maybe it is this why I do have hard time understanding transgender. I feel vulnerable myself.

Now how do I take care of myself as a woman? Occasionally I wear skirt and that is for my own pleasure and not to please men. I enjoy wearing skirts, especially those long ones that are not very sexy, but feel as a weight on the ankle and make me feel like woman. I was my hair with a shampoo that supposedly brightens the dark blond colour. I bought myself tulips just before Easter. It is difficult to tell. So how do you take care of yourself as man / woman?

Just before the Easter I suddenly got plenty of traffic from strange source called rsd-nation. It was a male discussion forum and the writer linked to “Too picky or too shy” – and commented: “Does this mean that getting rejected is not always our fault? YES! “. Did you guys really think that women are some kind of robots that if you press the right buttons you always get “yes”?

The women can have past wounds and insecurities you have nothing to do with. Often it is about the right timing, the right mood and about nice guy. There are plenty of us, who don’t like men coming to us too heavily. “I saw you and you seem nice and I wanted to talk to you and get to know you. Can I sit here and talk with you?” would sound great to me. Much better and more honest than any lame flattery. So don’t tell me I am beautiful or mysterious or any that kind of rubbish.

What ever you do, don’t just push there, because you’re too afraid of actually asking me. That does not seem nice and in fact it feels distressing for me. It is not respectful and makes me feel used somehow and I want to run. That single move probably blew your changes with me totally. Nothing is so unbecoming than strange man rubbing or pushing himself on me. Believe me, I know.

I would really recommend that instead of using huge amount of money for these guys, who just teach you player tactics, you ask some women (who your not that much interested in and just friends with) how they think women like to be approached and treated. They will probably be happy to help some man to treat the ladies in his life better as long as they don’t have crush on you.

You should remember that there is no tactic working for every women in all occasions. Women can be occasionally moody, which you should know, if you have ever been in relationship with one. Some women, like me, also have past wounds and are insecure of them selves. No man has ever moved slow enough for me and been actually moving some where. Yet most of the women would probably want it faster than me. My point here is to slow down, if the reaction is not what you looked for instead of pushing more, which is the mistake most men do.

You should also consider that almost one third of the women get harassed as children and it is a light form of child abuse. It leaves some scars. So many women, especially many of those pretty ones do have problems with their past. They’ve learned unhealthy coping skills. Many of them probably feel (I’ve heard one of my friends especially complaining about this) that men come after them just because they are beautiful. The beauty knows that hanging her on his arm raises the guys status in the eyes of other men. It is not that flattering, when you think about it.

Others like me feel the line about the great beauty to be fake, when you say it, because we don’t often feel so beautiful. The problem is we can feel that way even if you really mean it. So your honesty might be brought to question, even if you were sincere. So don’t pay too much attention on the female beauty in the beginning in spite of how beautiful she is. Later, when we already trust in you, it is nice compliment as all the women like to look beautiful in the eyes of their men. It is a little female vanity.

It all started, when I red from the Dr. Phil’s page that men are biologically destined to be selfish. Men often complain about women being greedy, but the real life studies shows that men use more money to their own convenience (like nice gadgets), while women usually invest towards home and family. Women also do most of the house work (the so called men’s jobs do take usually quite a little time in average).

Females just invest more for their families than men do and I’ve always consider this is due the up bringing. I was taught to sweet, pleasing and caring.

Some men consider that because they work and wife stays at home (investing her time and career for taking care of his kids), she should live with what he gives. Yet I’ve always considered this being learned attitude.

Now some one comes and tells me that this is a biological fact and they can not (and if you read between the lines: should not) change. Than made me angry.

The anger is rooted in my past, I know. I always felt cheap in my childhood, when my dad vetoed on his bringing money to the family as a reason, why we had to do as he pleased. I’ve always wanted to find a guy to whom money mattered less. This made me afraid I could not…

Suddenly after writing this I don’t feel cranky no more, as I know what it was about. Some times it is good to dig a little.

You know these guys: they’re charming, alluring and totally bad. You just can’t resist them. You know that reasonable woman would and that you should, but you just can’t (or don’t want to). They are rogues and players and should be avoided by any wise woman and we all know it instinctively if not knowingly, but we cannot help our selves and end up whit broken heart.

These are the guys that can make woman hang on them. They can break up light-hearted and while making their women suffer at the same time keep them keen. The silly women will be ready to open up their bosoms even after continuous offence against their feelings. They are the guys British used to call rakes. They bewitch women like snake charmers.

There is this one mystery about being woman. There are these men, who can take us and leave us and we don’t even protest loudly. It is like we go to the relationship ready to be hurt. They give us fast bliss and long yearning. They use the fact that we don’t seem to be able to get over them.

There are wise women, who are able to hide their weaknesses, but that is the only thing that differs them from the silly ones, because in their heart they are just as vulnerable to the silly charms of the dangerous men.

Then there are the strong women, who fight back. They let these guys know that they should not come close to them. You can only become strong by first becoming wise, because you have to recognise the charmers and understand their danger, before you’re able to put them in their place. And only these women. These women, who don’t give the guys any liberties can maybe change the charmers, but only maybe.

He is a charmer and she is a clinging shadow. You wonder why they are together, especially when you occasional hear her whining for him. He is charming sunny character, always in the center of the scene and for her nothing is ever right. You wonder why does he stand for her. He is fun to be around, always full of pranck and she is powerless little grey mouse in the corner of the room or preferably in the kitchen.

Behind the scene there is another story: he is reckless and leaves her to take care of all practical issues. He seems as dependent on her as she is on him socially. He might cheat her or use excessive amounts of alcohol, and she forgives. She might complain for his carelessness and thoughtlessness and might threaten to leave him and the kids, yet she is never able to.

In the shadows of the secrecy she pegs his attention with manipulative means, because nothing else can get his attention, as he is mostly just interested on him self. She invents symptoms of malady, she makes her self believe or maybe threatens to take her own life or walk out of marriage. And the children, if they have them, are just pawns in their manipulative games.

The Loyal Supporter

It is surprising how this sunny guy is able to get himself in feuds and disputes with others. As long as everything goes as he likes, its fine and his charm is shining, but if anything changes, he starts to get angry and launches his battle. She stands beside him, like virgin of justice seeing no fault in his side. In her yes (as well as in his own) he could do nothing bad. That’s why he stays with her, because she is his only loyal supporter.

He might even abuse the kids either physically, emotionally or even sexually and she just looks on the other direction, because she want to keep up the prince charming image her immature imagination has created of him and that fits him just right. It also fits her, because when he leans on her support, he gives her attention she has yearned and for once she is happy.

This is an union between narcissistic (he) and emotionally unstable (she) personalities, both deeply dependent and manipulative, the union of borderless. Both of them are stuck in the past: She in the period, when child starts to explore the world, but still needs the mothers arms around her; He in the early childhood stage, where the ego is still very fragile. Neither has reached any maturity nor emotional independence. They are deeply dependent. Occasional the pop-psychology has used the term of co-dependence (of usually female side)  of this kind of phenomena.

The word “No” is taboo in their union – he doesn’t want to hear it and she doesn’t want to say it.