My Dark Past: To Eat or Not to Eat

I wrote a little a bit nasty about Nicole Richie while ago. I feel a bit guilty about that, especially while I have my own experiences about eating disorder. While I’ve been listening others, I feel that mild forms of eating disorder are not rare among the women of my own generation.

I was just turned 14, when a girl in my class asked, how much I weight. You should have seen her face, when I told. She was not too thin herself and it left me lasting impact. I was much taller than she was and it was natural that I might be heavier. I toughed I was heavy, although I would be happy if I would be that thin today. Still I did not decide to loose weight intentionally.

The other problem was that at the time the school canteen was nasty place. The food was occasionally spit at and played with. The guys I sat with acted in repulsive ways. So I did not go there if I was not forced to. I ate sandwiches after coming home.

I also dropped most of the fat from my diet, as well as I could. I never continued until the level you stop eating totally. I just dropped of one meal and the usual amount of fat, not that I had been eating much of it before that.

I did not loose huge amount of weight but I lost enough to alarm school nurse. She put me in weight control. And my mother was also worried. I was not yet alarmed my self. It took one afternoon at my Granny’s, when I saw a tv-film about girl, who had anorexia and eventually died in it, to wake me up. After that I did no more loose weight, tough I was still very thin, on the limits of healthy.

When I watch my school photos from the first year of high school, I don’t know what to think. Today I happily have more curves. I am of that shape that little fat fits me. I still look quite thin. Women usually say to me, that I am so thin. One (very honest) guy once said that I was fat only down to waist. I don’t know if that is compliment or not.

Eating is easy to keep under control, when life is other wise in huge mess. It was not last time I played with my weight. I am wise enough to understand that it is always there waiting for me. Once you start it – it is not easy to stop or forget. But when fat starts to make me sick, I buy an pizza with extra cheese and force myself to eat it.

I don’t have normal sense of hunger any more, so it is easy to forget to eat. Sometimes my blood sugar goes too low. I have to remind my self. I know that I am light case of eating disorders. And I don’t have dark stories to tell about drugs of any kind.

I think that very few women of my generation are able to view their weight in neutral way, at least in the west. It feels so stupid that there are people who are hungry against their will and then there are people who are hungry because society expects it.

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2 Responses

  1. i can understand how it is when you’re young and people around you (your peers) are so conscious about their weight. i went through two years of anorexia, then became bulimic afterwards before i realized that i had a disorder. i think it was mild. because in my country, eating disorders are scoffed at, if not, dismissed. we are considered as third world and so eating disorders shouldn’t be a problem right?

    now, i eat normally but occasionally still obsess about my weight. it’s a daily battle of image building. i guess, we all have our own demons to battle.

    i like your blog a lot. sometimes, i feel like we share the same outlook in life. anyway, please go on blogging. i look forward to reading news posts everyday.

    more power.

    by the way, is it okay that i linked your blog to mine?

  2. Thank you for you toughts!

    Linking is always great. Go on! 🙂

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