What Should One Think About Marriage?

I ask this as some one, who has been able to avoid marriage so long. The high divorce rates of the western world are puzzling. And what I see of other peoples marriages, don’t make me very sure about wanting to enter that state. 

What made me think about this was when I red an writing by Avanoo, where he claims that science shows that marriage is dying. What I wrote already there already, is that social science often shows often what people wan’t it to show. And that you can always pick up the studies that promote your own beliefs, in this case against the institution of marriage.

Studies have for example shown that people that have divorced before or whose parents have divorced, when they have been children, are much more prone to divorce them selves, which implicates that it is about learned behaviour. Deep down people are no more expecting that their marriage will last whole life, even if they would like it to.

Modern western culture is definitely not pro marriage. Most people that walk down the aisle, seem to do that without thinking properly about what marriage really means. Although avoiding marriage so long, I am still not sure if I would vote against it, but I sure would against all that romantic hilly billy going around the marriage business.

We live in the individualistic culture, where what is good for me is what I should do. We praise the toxic feeling of falling in love, not the growing old side by side. Marriage on the other hand is collective venture. It requires putting selfish intentions aside and respecting our partner. In the marital wows we asked to love – as deed, not as feeling. Yet many mix these two things.

We have been tought that we are in the center. It is important, what we think and how we feel. In marriage one should suddenly surrender this individualism in the name of relationship, and that is not easy. Even I find it difficult, though I am usually much too sweet in general for my own good (at least living in this world). I don’t know how people make it work, and yet some seem to be able to do that.

I think that finding the right partner, that compensate one self is important. But how does one know, when the ritght kind of partner has been found? Some choices people make – sometimes it seems out of desperation – seem so illogical. It is like you see one unsuccessful marriage repeated by other people. But what am I to judge other peoples marriages.

It is also important to one self to be ready to commit. The family pressure can be intimidating, I know, but it is something one should try to fight against. If you are not ready yourself, it cannot work. I am not sure, if I am ready my self – and I am fairly sure I was not ready five years ago – so maybe it is good I am still unmarried. The question is of course: how does one know when one is ready?

Even the idea of marriage makes me scared sometimes. There has been moments, when I have almost tought to be ready and have tought to have found the right man. Yet afterwards I am much less sure, those things would have worked any how. May be that is what you call growing up and maturing, but there seems to be no end of it.

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5 Responses

  1. Interesting thoughts. I feel a bit the same way as you do about the whole marriage deal. I think people just tend to think about themselves too much in this day and age. I won’t marry before I am 30, and I tend to date women that are 3-5 years older then me. At 22, I have gotten to the point in my life where I see people my age getting married. The men are henpecked fools, and the women are spoiled. Its a divorce waiting to happen. People just need to slow down, and learn self-respect, and learn to give others respect before they can have the judgement required to settle down for the rest of their lives. Just one man’s thoughts.

  2. For BD: Ha, ha! …

    Well have to admit it made me smile. 🙂

    You are much worst pessimist than I am.

    And for Billy: You are far too mature for guy of your age. 🙂 Well to be honest my toughts were more or less the same at your age. And too many of those couples, who truely believed in marriage for the rest of their lives, have split. (And for such a silly reasons as building a house or something…)
    Not all tought. Some may have been enough mature at that age. And some just were able to conquer their immaturity. (And there are some that have been too stubborn to give up). But I wasn’t mature enough … and luckily I knew it.

  3. I do what I can Dreamer 😉 . I wouldn’t consider myself a pessimist about marriage. I remember an older man said something about marriage that I thought was rather… enlightening. He said that when you are married for 30+ years, there are times that are so tough that you feel like you are no longer in love with the man or woman you have chosen. He also said though, he never regretted sticking it out, because he learned that while he may not always be perfectly happy with whom he chose, he realizes that inspite of the negatives at times, overall, the marriage is a positive thing in his life, and he does love his woman… even when shes a pain in the ass.

    Its the most realistic commentary about marriage I have ever heard. Its not about that magical little feeling in your stomach. Thats just hormones. Its about trust, and faith in the one you made your vows to.

    Ahh yes… the wisdom of the geezers. Heres a link to my blog should you want to check it out! Its about all my thoughts on money, work, life, and women! I’ll keep on reading yours. It invites interesting discussion.

    http://billybadass84.wordpress.com/

  4. Hi Billy!

    I’ll go to check your blog. And the pessimist part was not for you, it was for BD. Go check his link, he posted ↑.

    My parents marriage, that ended when my father died far too young, was not always happy, but in the end I know they loved each other truly. There was much problems of communication, while my ma playing a martyr and not expressing her needs very clearly, and my dad sometimes to much on the run and other times just not bothering to listen, his game plan being avoiding all the trouble, which made my ma twice as mad.

    When he cried in the phone that he was worried what would happend to my ma after his dead, I was so sure that he had loved her. And my ma was devastated after his dead. They should have known about the situation, but both of them were two scared about admitting it before few weeks until the end. Yet she has survived.

    One lady, whose interview I just red, had had maritial problems with addicted husband, but they survived and he is clear now, and has been for seven years, I think. She said that you don’t always have to be happy. I think that is the point.

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