My Rather Boring Life: Quiet Holiday

I really needed time to relax. My life have been hectic in many ways. It has been stressful and busy at work and me trying to recover from my light winter depression on the top of that. And then it is a year from my fathers death. Everything together was little a bit too much. Plus, I felt I was a bit addicted to Internet in general and blogging in particular, and decided to keep a little break. Now it feels better.

I spent last week plus some in the country side whit my mother. We have watched TV, eaten and talked. We have such a similar mentality that I’ve had really no quarrels whit her for decade. It is easy to be whit her and that’s why spending time whit her is perfect holiday. We both like to read and watch light shows from TV, so it is easy. I’ve been spending too much time whit TV, but home in the city I don’t have one and I just watch movies whit my laptop, so it isn’t that bad.

We went whit my mother to buy tombstone for my fathers grave. Nothing too fancy and yet rather decent. We also visited the grave yard. It is a peaceful place and I’ve never understood the fuss about them being scary. I’ve been in the graveyard night time too, to watch the candles. Somehow it all felt like a ending. I was rather restless before Easter, but I am no more.

I also got myself a new haircut (earlier long hair is now just down to my collarbone) and then my mother and I experimented whit hair-colour and made stripes, which came through pretty well. I’ve just red an article from Psychologies April number about how change in the hair may be sign of over-all change in life. It just makes me feel free and I find myself keeping it open all the time.

Identity Building and Some Breathing Space

Last week gave me time to think my life through. I feel I’m opening up. I’ve been more ready to admit my faults in all peace an quiet. Making mistakes has always been difficult. There has been this inner voice that says that I should be perfect. I think it is voice of my parents I’ve internalised. Part of me has been freed, but part is still hanging on.

I also realised that as my mother is able to be so much more domestic than I that I feel short of inferiority syndrome. My growing up years were a time I was feeling very boyish and time to find a way to fit in a female model. Yet there are ways I would not want to resemble my mother.

You may have noticed that I’m in the middle of accept myself as I am campaign. The last blogging about shyness, occasional blues and accepting my fears is part of that. I’ve won some of my fears before – like the fear of heights. It took a lot of constant training and now I noticed I’ve been somewhat sloth on that lately as the stairs of the new office building make me dizzy. And I am obviously avoiding stairs in my home building too, although usually I’m a stair climber.

These breathing spaces are important for to be able to figure out where I am in my life. Next will be arranging my friends weddings I suppose. I try to arrange free a week before them and help her out. I think It’ll be fun as I don’t need to stress really. I just love to be involved some how. And then will be midsummer and I’ll come here to spend some time whit my ma. Rest of the yearly holiday I’ll save for autumn, so I’ll get some bonus days. Isin’t it a great system?

I love the nature around us. We got a little a bit snow  by a  suprise. As I’ve not got prober winter holiday before this extra long easter break so it was kind of heaven sent. Yet some of the birds have already arrived from south to spend the summer here. The lake was partly opened and the water occasionally shined deep blue in the bright spring sun. It was so beautiful.


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