Can’t I have at least some criteria for men?

 They say that single women are too demanding, what comes to the men. We are blinded by the princess-dreams and prince-charmings, which we have been exposed since the tender childhood’s fairy-tales.

I don’t think the problem is being too demanding, but having wrong kind of demands. The problem is often that we don’t seem to accept the guys we should, but are instead drooling after ones we should definitely not.

We often ask what things we would not be ashamed in public; instead of asking what qualities make man a good husband material and what qualities should he have to balance us. We are too much interested in outer impressions and too little interested in the relationship qualities.

I don’t think I am any better in this field than others. I do list in paper that the man should not be violent or addicted; he should not be overly jealous or unfaithful. But truthfully these are things difficult to measure from outer appearance and it is much easier to demand him being tall and out-going, because those things are easier to measure.

In the end it is question of what one likes. Getting older my inner measuring stick has changed a lot. I probably started with the qualities set by childhood and slowly redefined them with my life experiences. Yet my inner measure of men, unlike any list written on paper, is a very emotional thing. To act against it is an act of reason.

During my years I’ve tried to give unlikely men a change, and reasonably blocked out the guys that are not eligible, mainly a substance-user or a player. Yet it is not easy to steer against your feelings, espesially not to force yourself to be interested in some one that you are not. But happily my taste is evolving for better.

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3 Responses

  1. Hey, of course you can have at least some criterias. It’s normal to want to avoid problem guys like alcoholics, junkies, abusive personalities and womanizers. Do you really want to be like those women who systematically fell for that kind of toxic guys and suffer a lot ?
    The most important thing is how you feel secured with him and the chemistry between you.

  2. My point was that I am not always interested in those that I know should be considered “eligible” and some guys that I’ve been drawn to have been junkies. Now I’ve turned them down – as a wise lady would – but the fact is I am not able to turn myself on those, who I intellectually know are the great guys. Maybe the title was little misleading.

  3. We are too much interested in outer impressions and too little interested in the relationship qualities.

    Wise words! I understand your point, that it’s difficult to set aside your feelings to pursue someone more suitable (but less attractive at a “gut” level). But you have identified the right formula for lasting happiness.

    Passion fades after a while. No matter how passionate the feelings may be in the beginning, passion isn’t enough to sustain a relationship long term.

    “The relationship qualities” — someone who enjoys conversation, who looks into your eyes when you’re talking, who compliments you appropriately (and sincerely!), who is gentle even on those occasions when you offend him (or her), who is interested in “growing” as a person, who has a positive outlook on life, who values the same things you do. That’s a person you can build a future with.

    Of course, such a person doesn’t come along very often. You might have to wait a while, even years. But it’s better to wait than to commit yourself to a relationship that is only going to spiral downwards into trouble.

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