Why Did I Blew It?

I met this guy in Morocco and gave him my e-mail address (slightly reluctantly, but anyway). The adress I gave him is a kind of a tertiary address I give for commercial purposes etc. It is often filled whit spam as it has no proper spam-filter and it was full this time too.

I checked my mail only at the mid-December and found out that it was filled already in November (before our trip). My sense of time is not very good and I had no idea. I had been little timid of checking the mail and too nervous to do it. Now I am wondering why I did not give him proper address.

In the beginning I told myself I did not want him to contact me and that was the reason I calculatedly gave him that crappy address. I did just thought I could remove him whit the spam. Yesterday I went through the spam (it does not have the filter so I  need to be the human filter) and tried to find an e-mail from him. I  had to admit that I eventually would  have wanted him to mail me.

This was not first time I shot my-self in the leg in the field of men and romantic issues. Sometimes it has been wise and guarded me from a lot of crap, but in cases like this it backfires badly. So why do I do it?

Now I am wondering if he originally tried to contact me or not. Maybe he did – and maybe he did not. It is the same as the case of men calling – they tell you they do, but then they don’t.

It is true I have some kind of reluctance against foreign men. I don’t know where it raises from. Maybe it is just a cultural prejudice. Some part of me is thinking that marriage between cultures is difficult especially when they are quite distant.

And part of me does not want to be the woman, who “married” the foreign man. This is a self image thing that raises from my culture. It is also something my friends teased me about, when I left for the Italy first time in my early 20s. I decided to prove them wrong. Meeting Italian men was also shocking being raised in rather timid culture. And some foreign man in my country are also quite pushy.

I think I don’t want an serious relationship whit an Islamic man, how liberal would he be. My cousin in fact was married to a Moroccan man, who was quite nice, but I don’t want to repeat her ways of living. Yet am I blocking my change of happiness and family by this. I don’t want to step in her shoes. This is more prejudice against my cousin than against her men thou. I am not big fan of hers. My little sister does not understand this, but I think she does not know her as well as I do (as the cousin used to be my babysitter, when I was little and my sis was not yet born).


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