My Bitter-Sweet Blueberry Nights

We went to see the movie (My Blueberry Nights) whit my friend, who did not like it that much, because she said it is not likely to get such a handsome guy anymore (Jude Law) and thought it cheesy. I had seen it more like a story of love and lost – and journey of getting over. (Of course the Hollywood stars are pretty – they are not real life).

I’ve been thinking about that moment and that comment and wondering does it show our different inclinations towards the relationships.

I am a romantic – have been so long I can remember and have not yet stopped being. I am a dreamer. Maybe my hopes and dreamers are unrealistic and maybe my friend is more realistic, but I wonder if she has became a bit bitter and cynical. But is it better to be realistic or hopeful?

The last year (2007) was intended to be a year of relationship processing. I wanted to use this blog as my method of personal therapeutic writing. I partly forgot it and wrote anyway. Maybe it is time to return to the key issue here. Is there something wrong in me, because I’ve not yet mated? Should I just be content of staying single?

The Male sweat is supposed to make women more relaxed and less anxious. The fact is male smell tames us. It makes women more relaxed. I’ve been wondering if these is the reason spinsters get little tense towards older age. I don’t think it is so much about sexual activity, because female sexual drive is not so high. Of course there are exceptions of this rule, but they’re just that exceptions.  It is more about other things we are missing.

My feelings toward my own spinsterhood are fluctuating along the time. Occasionally I am anxious, other times content and some occasions even hopeful. As all women I feel fat and ugly, especially around the certain time of the month. It makes me slightly blue.

There are also maternal instincts hitting over. Another friend of mine is expecting a baby. She is close friend of mine and find my self in waiting. I have noticed that I look knitting models in the magazines and think about knitting something to him or her. I find myself looking for the baby books and thinking about educating this one. I would love to become a godmother, but I believe that there are many other great candidates for godparents, so nothing is sure. But it doesn’t matter as the baby’s mother is like a sister to me.

The truth still is that while I am more and more settled in my role as a spinster that even my mother has now acknowledged and as I am wondering if I ever would be a good mother to children, my maternal instincts are still alive. I’d love to be baking a blueberry pie (or in here bilberry pie) for kids, whether my own or ‘borrowed’.


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