Long Time No Seen (or Digging up Some Old Dirt)

It has been ages I’ve written. “Nothing has really happen”, I think in my low moments and yet, when I talked to a friend she commented that I am having more bustle than years before. Maybe I have, but I still consider it nothing. I feel like being properly on the self, if you could call it like that. I’ve been feeling hopeless for while …

I am wondering, if I got an attitude problem. This particular friend of mine told me that I’ve been telling for years that now I feel finally spinster. Maybe by considering myself as a spinster, I am creating a self prophecy. I cannot come out of the self, because my expectations have glued me there. I am stuck.

If everything is just depending on my attitude, how do I disconnect from those unwanted attitudes? I don’t know. I wonder if it is so difficult to let go, because I feel safe hiding behind them. They guard me from disappointment, because no failure cannot be bigger than impossibility.

Kids can be gruel. I think I carry with me my childhood fear of been made fun of behind my back. Sometimes when men approach me, they make me feel that they are not serious. They make me feel that I am some short of cruel experiment or that they are like cats toying with mouse. On my conscious level I know this is not true, but on my deeper level, I feel lost. How could I change my emotions?

I am sorry, if I’ve told this story before, but I remember of being in the high school level and we had this emotionally sadistic history teacher. Usually I was safe, from his teasing, because of my fondness of history, but this time he made me one of his marks. He but me and a very beautiful girl in my class in short of “pageant”, Where three boys sitting beside us were judges. Two of them voted me and I felt so humiliated. At that time I felt even not being voted at all would have been less mortifying than them giggling when they voted me. Of course I knew I was not as pretty as she was. I was the brainy girl.

Its Summer

It's Summer

The other occasion was when I was about 13 and one pretty boy in my class told me I was ugly. I wanted to ask him, what business it was of his, but I was not brave enough. At that time I was generally well liked among my class mates, if not the most popular girl. Most of my classmates still thought about me in friendly way. At the age 13 being told you are ugly hurts really badly.

It is funny how little insignificant moments can create big scars. Probably neither my former history teacher (with his bear blurred brains) nor my former classmate remember these occasions. They lasted less than ten minutes at the time and yet they are bothering me some ten-fifteen years later. I loved to be able to dig up this dirt and burn it. Yet I don’t know how. Even digging this dirt hurts, but how could I would love to get rid of it finally.

Today is too beautiful summer day to stay in these thoughts for long. It is time to enjoy the season, while it is here.

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3 Responses

  1. I’m glad you’re back on writing again! Those little moments we hate are real poison to our mind. It’s important to focus on the things you’ve achieved and you’re proud of. I know it’s easy to say, but it works for me. And God knows I have experienced some painful experiences like yours in the past. Fuck them all.

  2. I know just how you feel! I was also the brunt of some mean teasing about my looks when I was growing up and was never asked out on a date until I was in college! Most of the boys picked on me and those who didn’t ignored me. To this day, I have difficulty initiating conversation with guys or showing my receptivity with a wink or a smile because I doubt I’ll be found attractive and fear making a fool of myself.

    I don’t think there’s a quick fix for this kind of insecurity. I think it’s something that gradually dissipates for many people as new, positive experiences with the opposite sex disprove our fears about ourselves. For some, though, the feeling never really goes away, and I think instead of looking for a way to purge the feeling, we have to look for a way to take action in spite of the feeling, to work at smiling even when we’re nervous and carrying our end of the conversation even when we’re shy.

    Btw, I’ve added you to my blogroll. Hope that’s okay! I have a blog for singles and am always on the lookout for bloggers who are single and/or write about singles issues.

  3. Singletude: That’s great. Thank you for your nice comment and fine advice.

    Modobs: Thanks. Its nice to be back. I hope…

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