Love Shy

My problem with men has been a special kind of shyness or social fear. I am afraid of sexual chemistry and behind it are my bad experiences. I know it makes me difficult to interpret, because I am not otherwise excessively shy. It often happens that men I am not interested in find me easier to approach than those that I find fascinating. It usually take time to trust and feel comfortable around them, but most men are not that patient and I can understand them.

It is hard to interpret a person, who is hiding behind the mask. Freezing of fear maybe interpreted as a turn down. I can understand this and I may even try to control my behaviour and smile more, but in the situation that I feel afraid and unsure, I am not totally in control of my reactions. The situation is hard to explain especially, if one is not sure about other persons feelings. Smile is much easier approach than telling other person that you are afraid to show them your feelings.

 (Sorry If the next part is repetitive, but I am still going through this issue).

The insecurity and fear raises partly from low self-esteem. When I am unsure of my personal attractiveness, it is hard to interpret male attention. Partly there is history of under age sexual harassment or even abuse and also repeated harassment in the adult age. The first time I was under school age and it was mild form of physical and more serious verbal abuse performed by older boy that had probably been subjected to some abuse himself. The second time I was in teens and it was group of older boys harassing me in the form of sexual propositions and comments of me.

The third time was really a sexual bullying by men of a group I had trusted and other men in responsibility I had trust even more talked it down, when I tried to explain the situation.  One of them made silly excuses and other one tried to pressure me to forgive and forget without getting any apology. Later I got out of one of the bullies that he had believed he had right to “educate” me, because he felt I was too straight-laced. The only comfort is that I was partly able to show him his error of judgement, although I did not trust him enough to open up totally.  Yet the situation made me feel like no man could be trusted and that put me totally off the men for a while.

I am not looking for a light-hearted relationship. Some times I hope that I would be, because it might be easier. I would not need to afraid that I am giving some sign of being easy woman and not to be taken seriously. I am also afraid that men could make fun of my feelings. It maybe due the fact that people (not only men) have made fun of my feelings before. It does not make the situation any easier. I am also afraid that if the man gets to know me better, he might get disappointed and abandon me. I am afraid of not being worthy of love, which can be probably trased back to my parents behaviour. Yet I am as much afraid of my own feelings as of the man I am interested in. I am afraid to become heart broken, while I know it is normal part of human life. Very few of us are lucky enough to be always happy.

I may sound pretty analytic right now, but right in the situation I am not able to tract the roots of my feelings. I am just feeling strange panic. I feel my learning curve of handling the situations, where I am strangely afraid, isn’t fast enough. The older I get, more difficult it seems to meet men I would really be interested in and less practice I will get. I feel stuck.

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7 Responses

  1. Why do you feel that you need a mate? Because, your sisters and friends have gotten married?That is the reason I got married.Peer pressure.Don’t be fooled ! Take your time.

  2. I suppose, because I am a romantic and this is something I want.

    This was good question. Maybe I’ll write a posting as an answer.

  3. It takes huge courage to share one’s insecurities. And you’ve managed to do the same in such a seamless manner that it’s quite inspiring.
    May be facing one’s insecurities is the only way to overcome the same i.e. making them irrelevant.

  4. It is not easy – but happily I’ve had only very nice comments, like yours.

    I am writing, because I hope it will help me to get over this. I wish…

  5. This is strange. I feel like I could have written this post. I am younger than you, at 23, but I can feel totally confident being introduced to women and act in a friendly fashion etc but when it comes to meeting men I just bottle up. I can feel myself being unfriendly. It doesn’t happen with gay men or men I wouldn’t be particularly interested in. I just seem to scared of that feeling of sexual tension between men and women, and more aware of it than, I think, many women in teh same situation would be. I think it stems from a lack of self-esteem. I feel if I show an interest in these men that they’ll begin to think in their head – “Does she really think she has a chance with me? She’s unattractive/fat/small/odd,,,” I almost completely avoid really good-looking men. They practically terrify me. I’ve never really admitted any of this to anyone before, this feels strangely cathartic. I have to start realising that I’m not a lesser being than others, that I’m worthy of being loved. Thanks for your pst, it helped me to breach my own feelings on the subject.

  6. i just stumbled upon this and i really loved what u wrote. i am in the same situation. at least reading this makes my journey less painfu l. the connection is encouraging. thank you very much.

  7. Hannah, try to work on your fear, while you’re still young and it is easier to change. Take (very) small steps to test your limits. Smile, talk a little and so on.

    Thank you Suzanna for sharing, too.

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