My History

Road to the Future.I was born in the mid 1970s in a large Scandinavian city, in a middle-class district as the first-born of a creative science student and chatty engineer. My early childhood was full of sunshine and bright memories.

I was youngest of my cousins and everybody’s pet. I was treated both as mother’s little princess as well as father’s laddie. My imagination run already wild. I loved to listen my granny’s stories and also my father liked to tell little anecdotes. In these early years I had first boys as great friends and this continued until puperty (and also later).

When I was about five my siblings were born and everything changed for darker. Something went wrong and my mother suffered with baby blues, while my father was not mature enough to handle the situation and due to his work as a sales manager a lot away from home. I felt he also emotionally abandoned me, because now he got the boy, he had wanted. Maybe it was good for me, because now I was able to become more girlish.

It was my duty to take care of my mother’s bad moods and father even told me she had threaten with suicide, although I was much too young (8 or 9) to carry such responsibility. I was scared as I knew my fathers inability to take care of us. I was also so scared, when she daydreamed of the escape and told that she would leave us with father. I was the eldest and afraid of even heavier load.

My mid-childhood was cloudy period of time and for years I did not remember much of it. I had to grow up much too early. I did not really have any puberty as there was not an emotional space for that in my family. I fled to my dreams and fantasies and red a lot. I led to my siblings and friends to the imaginative games. It was also this time I learned to cook for us, as somebody must and my father would not. I kind of like cooking and loved to experiment. While my childhood was not easy, there were happy times and good moments.

In my late teens I became interested in the religion, in particular Christianity. We lived at the countryside that time and it was pretty conservative area. There were a lot of Christians of different groups. It gave me security and friends and something to build on. It also offered a safe haven from our rather turbulent home-life. I spend as little time at home as possible, usually at my best friends home, parents being away. This friendship has lasted.

In this chapter my mother was often suffering from severe hypochondria and in the end of the period my father got unemployed as the firm he was working in got in trouble. Suddenly he had extra time and wanted the lost years bag. I felt he did not trust me and it was when our fights begun. I wanted to keep my early independence and get my own family as soon as I could.

My 20s was painful time of searching self and the truth of my past, among other in therapy and group meant for adult children of mentally ill (in my case depressed) parents. I was finally able to tell my father to take care of his marriage himself.

There were several unlucky romantic incidents, some of which lasted for years. I also met my soul-mate and lost him, for (I now feel) I was not ready for commitment he wanted. It changed my view of love and life. It took long time for me to study my degrees partly because I was not sure what I wanted to become. I was rather active in student life too. I lived in a rather small dorm and enjoyed a lot of that.

During these years I lived twice in Italy and once in India. My sister has also lived abroad and I feel it was kind of retreat for both of us, although my aunt and her children, as well as my parents in their own youth have been on the move too. My father was also diagnosed with slow-progressing cancer. He died just last year. Just few years before I had lost my beloved maternal grandmother, who was my safety pillar during my childhood and youth.

I am still searching for myself.

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